I don't know if the theme for the last few days would be The Tower (Oppression, in the Goddess Tarot deck), due to the incredible destruction of so many thoughts, ideas, and plans...only to be reduced to a crumbled pile of pieces, starting over from the bottom. Or maybe Death (Transformation) because of the complete ending/obliteration of one way of life and a subsequent rebirth.
Really, when I think about it, the cards are very similar. Both herald an ending. But if we look past the doom and gloom morbid connotations these cards bring to mind, we'll see that they're both altogether positive. The old MUST be destroyed before the new can be built. If you have this old crappy house built on a crumbling foundation, and you want to live in a palace, what do you need to do? Absolute destruction MUST take place before the building of anything new and beautiful can commence. Beautiful doesn't just happen out of nowhere. By accident. It is the destruction of the ugly and the hard work of transformation to sublimate it into something lovely. Would you appreciate it as much if you didn't fight for it? If you didn't put your blood, sweat, and tears into building it?
I've been moving through a lot of things in my life. And, just like when you get reiki and all the energy flowing through your chakras brings the "gunk" up to the surface which needs to be addressed and released, the same thing happens in life. If I'm on the road to a higher path, all the lower vibration things holding me back have to get cleared out.
When you think about it, it's really marvelous timing that I got the ticket for driving on a suspended license just a half hour after the biggest commission check I've ever had hit my account. Accident? Coincidence? We all know that if it had been even one day later, I likely wouldn't have had the money. As it was, I was able to get the tickets paid and now my license is clear. Also, Tristan got suspended twice in a row the very week he came here. I thought I was going to lose my job because I used up all of my vacation and float time to stay home with him. Then he had his IEP on Friday, though, and started his Level 2 special ed on Monday (yesterday). I think all he needed was a smaller classroom and more one on one attention, because his teacher sent a note yesterday which said, "Super awesome day!". How wonderful! AND he had a great night at daycare! Double wonderful!
So, the old things that weren't working had to be fixed, so we could move forward on a clear path. Also Joth and I are together, and I'd like to say that whatever issue was holding me back has been resolved and we're going to move forward invincible. But after an amazingly wonderful positive love flowing day yesterday, today I'm back to feeling this weird energy. I don't like it. I want to run away from it. I almost feel angry, like if YOU didn't want me then WHY did you even call me, huh? You could've just left me ALONE. Why would you come back just to push me away? Is it a power trip? Did YOU have to be the one to reject ME?
What I always say in these situations is, oh, I'm sure it's all in my head. But the thing is, it's not. It never is and I always say it is and it just isn't. I feel like a yo yo and I hate it.
...so, right there at that point, Joth called me and we talked and everything was great for the rest of yesterday. Then today, again, I feel wrong. I'll talk about that more in a minute. Yesterday, though, Tristan had an outstanding day! I had a meeting with my supervisor at work and my numbers are down, so I worked really hard to try to increase revenue everywhere I can. Ugh. Hey, you know what I was thinking yesterday?
So, if we are all everything, right? And we just choose what traits and characteristics to express and which to suppress. But, like Joth said, no one is any better than Hitler or any worse than Gandhi. Right. Like, we all possess the full spectrum of humanity, but we have choices about our actions and what we will indulge. But I think it's even more than that.
I think whatever characteristics we choose to portray become stronger. Being bad gets easier with time because you're working that muscle out, and it gets stronger, and you can become more and more and more "bad" if you keep going down that path. And, if you're feeding the "bad" weeds in your garden, over time they start choking out the good. They overrun the patch and the good begin to wither and die. Which is why some people seem more bad than others -- we all have the same potential. But if you want to change course, well it isn't as simple as a sudden change in behavior.
You won't go from sinner to saint on a dime, right? Because, first of all, maybe your muscles of kindness, empathy, compassion, and forgiveness have atrophied. And maybe you've bulked up your hatred, ignorance, and judgement to monster steroid proportions. It takes consistent applied change every day. Exercise. Nutrition -- feeding what you want with your energy and attention. Starving what you don't want. I have noticed this in my life -- making the wrong choice feels horrible and uncomfortable at first, and some part of you knows it's not aligned with your divine path. But it gets easier after a while. And pretty soon you don't even realize how messed up you are. Your horrible behaviors seem normal. Then it becomes easier to make the next step up into the next level of horrible. Which is why it's a slippery slope, we should always honor our intuition and inner guidance about the choices we are making. If it feels wrong, stop. That's the best advice I could give my younger self. If it feels wrong, you don't owe anyone (even yourself!) an explanation as to WHY. Just Get. The. Fuck. OUT.
Speaking of intuition. I really don't like the tarot reading I just did. I'm sorry to say but I really don't think this feeling is all in my head. Especially when I did a reading about Joth and I and the 7 of swords is in our near future, that never heralds good news. That's always lies and betrayal. Keeping secrets. Being dishonest. At the foundation is the 3 of cups which to me is multiple women in his life. And hopes/fears on his side was 7 of cups, which tells me he wants to keep his options open. Am I too close to the situation to view this objectively? I don't know. I feel like I'm on the brink of either falling or stepping back away from the edge. I don't know which to do. If I fall there's no going back. I'm not sure whether it's safe to do so. Maybe I should just turn and run.
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