This is going to be a long entry, I can feel it. I know I titled an entry last year, sometime after I had Sienna, as "Liberation". I was watching a documentary last night called Enlighten Up about this guy who takes on a 6 month yoga journey. He was so convinced that nothing would happen, so adamant that it remain a purely physical practice and so opposed -- almost AFRAID -- of any spiritual element coming into play with his practice, that I think he created a self-fulfilling prophesy and failed to experience the transformative effects he said he hoped to achieve.
What he didn't understand, though, is that part of the transformation can't be explained. You have to be open to the unexplainable for it to be able to work. You will not have facts, figures, and data explaining the WHY behind the results you get. I know, because I'm like that too. I finally got to a point where I say, "I don't understand why, and it doesn't make sense to me, but I'm happy about it and I accept it." Part of me, though, is SO analytical. I want to break everything down into logical pieces. But sometimes, there are pieces we can't see.
They went to Hawaii to meet Norman Allen, a student of Pattabhi Jois -- the grandfather of Ashtanga. That part was of particular interest to me. Norman was so down to earth and cool! He had coffee plants just growing in his yard. (Of course, Pattabhi Jois is known for saying, "No coffee, no prana") and the first thing he offered the guy was a cup of organic coffee. Kate, the girl filming the documentary, told the film's subject (Nick) to ask him about "Moksha". When Kate had met with him before, he had told her that the purpose of yoga was Moksha -- liberation from death/birth/death/rebirth. But when Norman had been giving Nick a massage, his words of wisdom for him were, "Go fuck yourself." He explained to Kate that for Nick, that was the purpose of yoga. I think the meaning of that is to be self-sufficient, to depend on no outside sources for love or fulfillment. In fact, when Nick had asked him, "What does twisting myself into a pretzel have to do with enlightenment?", Norman had replied, "Nothing. Nothing at all." I think the point is, the purpose of yoga can be different for different seekers. We all gain what we need from it, for some it's self-reliance, for others liberation.
Maybe I need both. I wasn't exactly DEPENDENT on my relationship, but damn I love him. I'm still so confused as to whether that's spiritually advisable to be so enamored with another person. I mean, if we as humans have the capacity to FALL in love, why should we avoid it? Is it a trap along the path of enlightenment, designed to distract us from the truth of our purpose? Does love just get in the way? Normally I'd say that makes sense, but if two people are on the same mission...wouldn't they be more successful as a team? Just random pondering.
So, last night was day 5. My yoga practice was interesting. My excuse, by the way, was that I think I'm getting sick so maybe I should take it easy. I should probably just rest. Hahaha. So I did it, the temperature in my apartment has not changed at least since the day before, but I was POURING sweat. I mean, I was sweating more than when I did yoga in here in the middle of summer with no air conditioning. I had sweat dripping off the tip of my nose, my hair was soaked, it was insane. Additionally, I was short of breath throughout the duration. I've been doing Ashtanga for almost a year now, and this being the fifth consecutive day I did the exact same flow, why would I suddenly be breathless? I don't think I pushed myself any harder. Maybe subconsciously I did, but it was weird.
Finally, when I was in Savasana, I thought to myself, "It's a little weird that I haven't cried yet." I decided it's probably because I'm still holding all the emotions in, because I'm so afraid of how much it's going to hurt if I face them. So I started saying, "I release all which no longer serves me." A few tears trickled out as I started thinking of all the things I wanted to release. Judgement, sorrow, regret, insecurity, fear. Going through this list, I decided it would be better instead of naming these ugly things I wanted to release to state instead something positive. So I started saying, "I am enough. I am enough. I am enough."
Holy. Fucking. SHIT. I never could have imagined I had so many tears in my body. They flowed endlessly. My chest heaved with sobs. It was such an emotional moment. I was kind of surprised to realize that some part of me didn't feel like I was enough. Once I looked at it, though, it was undeniable that it was there. At least I can see the place that needs healing.
I had the radio on and it was just ridiculous. I put on the Jewel station on Pandora and I couldn't believe how the universe is taunting me, honestly. Let's be fair, how I'm torturing MYSELF. I even wrote the songs down because it was so ridiculously stupid. First, Jason Mraz -- I won't give up. THEN, Lisa Loeb -- Stay. REALLY??? Then, Jewel, the Deep Water song I was talking about yesterday. "When you're standing in deep water, and you're bailing yourself out with a straw, when you're drowning in deep water, and you wake up making love to a wall, well it's these little times, it helps to remind, it's nothing without love." Yeah, Jewel, I know. Shut up. I changed the station.
So, where to go from here? Well, the world is my oyster. I'm going to go out and kick some ass. Read some books, learn some things, connect with some people and make some shit go DOWN. I decided, for example, that this year I'm going to learn how to play, "You Were Meant for Me" on the guitar and sing it. It seemed easy enough when I heard it to figure it out. The tricky part will be singing at the same time, but hey, it's been done before so therefore it is not impossible.
Yesterday I also watched this fun little animated movie called, "Sita Sings the Blues". It was funny and informative. It ties in events from Ramayama with her own life, demonstrating parallels. I didn't know that Hanuman was an incarnation of Shiva. That's pretty interesting.
Well, I suppose that IS enough for now. Peace out!
*Oh wait. No. I DID have more to say. Yesterday, Mike and Kelli posted new pictures of Sienna. The grief of adoption is a lot like the grief of losing a child, I think (I've never lost a child so I could be way off base here) but the difference is that with adoption, the wound stays open. You never really get any sense of closure, you are continually grieving. The baby you lost. The first birthday you missed out on. The first step you weren't there for -- the entire CHILDHOOD that went on without your involvement. I love that we have an open adoption, and I wouldn't change that. But the difficult part of it is that every time you see new pictures, it's a fresh wound. I'm so happy for all of them, truly. But right now...in the middle of all this other heartache...it was just so hard. I almost felt like I couldn't take it.
Well damn, now I guess I'm leaving off on a bummer note. Wait, no, I can talk about my smoothie! Haha. So, because I can't put every single ingredient in every single smoothie, I've decided to start picking a few ingredients intuitively. Yesterday, I was led to do a "chocolate covered cherry" focus. I chose cacao powder, cherries, cinnamon and honey for immunity, and my standard everyday blend of turmeric, maca, ashwagandha, and spirulina. And of course I used coconut almond milk to blend with and a frozen kale cupcake. (Kale blended with coconut water and poured into cupcake tins to freeze)
I know it sounds like a lot, but trust me, I used to put in WAY more than that. Oh yeah! And 2 tablespoons of coconut oil. It still tasted a little oversaturated with ingredients, so I'll have to work on that. BUT, here are the benefits of the cacao and cherry that I chose:
Cacao powder: antioxidants, magnesium, iron (Interesting that I would be intuitively drawn to this, when I am already anemic and my period is due in 2 days.) Here's an excerpt from a wonderful article about this:
Raw Cacao
"Cacao is by far one of the best superfoods to include in your diet during the winter, and here are the top reasons why:
PEA
Nope, not the vegetable. PEA is an abbreviation for
ANANDAMIDE
If you're familiar with Eastern spirituality or Sanskrit you may have heard of the term Ananda, which is defined as "bliss" or "delight". Anandamide, like PEA, has a definite impact on the way we feel. It is actually a cannabinoid neurotransmitter that plugs into our "bliss" receptors within the brain, stimulating a release of feel-good endorphins that may even mimic a very, very (very) mild high. Also found within cacao are several chemicals (such as n-acylethanolamines) that act to block the breakdown of anandamide in general, prolonging its positive effects. The gist of things: consuming cacao is downright blissful!
THEOBROMINE
This compound, while closely related to caffeine, is much more mild and less habit forming within our system. Theobromine helps wake up the senses and gently increases energy and focus. It also acts as a mild diuretic and actually has a relaxing effect on our smooth muscle tissue such as the bronchi within our lungs. It aids healthy circulation by promoting the dilation of our blood vessels, a benefit especially welcomed during the chilly days of fall and winter. Note that theobromine is the substance within chocolate that is not metabolized properly by our canine friends, and can actually be very toxic to them. Keep all chocolate away from your dogs (it's okay, it means more for you!).
TRYPTOPHAN
This feel-good essential amino acid is commonly found in protein-rich foods such as legumes or nuts and seeds, however cacao beans also happen to be a great source! Within the body tryptophan is metabolized into two of the most important neurotransmitters of all for mood and sleep regulation, serotonin and melatonin. Combined with the stimulative effects of cacao, this makes for a very unique combination; an almost relaxed yet very alert state of being, and who doesn't like the sound of that?"
Cherries: Antioxidants, cancer-preventative compounds, natural melatonin, arthritis pain relief, post-exercise muscle pain (yes, please!). This time of year, my arthritis acts up a lot. And, on day 5 of my sadhana, some post-exercise muscle pain relief was probably much needed. Good call, intuition!
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