Today is day 4 of my sadhana and I've made plenty of excuses, but I have DONE it. I'm still doing it tonight, I just needed to blog first before I turned my brain into mush. Well, more mush than it already is. Life is a WILD fucking ride right now. At first I was all angry and agitated about it, but I'm to the point now where I'm like fuck it. Bring it ON. Everything I feared has happened (almost) and I'm still hanging on and I guess if the universe wants to pin me down and start mercilessly pummeling me, I'm just going to stop fighting back. Just do it. Show me what you're made of. Hit me with your best shot. You win, okay? I'm not in control. Got it. Message received. Spirit broken.
I think there's a reason that they call taming wild horses "breaking". There's something sad about killing that wild spirit. Training out that beautiful willful volition. Reducing something meant to be proud and untamed into something ashamed of its wildness, subservient, cowering, afraid. Broken. Throw a saddle on me, I'll do what you say. I've no more fight left in me.
On the plus side, I have learned something about surrender. All you can do is make the best choices you can with the knowledge that you have and the circumstances you've been dealt. After that, let the chips fall where they may. Recognize what is in your control, let go of what isn't. This Mercury retrograde has been a real fucking DOOZY. I've lost so much. I have to believe it's the old, being bulldozed to make way for something much more incredible than I could imagine. A sistar posted that Mercury just LOOKS like it's going backward, but really it's going forward. That's the way I choose to look at things, too. It may SEEM like everything is falling apart. But I surrender to the universe. I trust the process. It's exhausting to struggle, to worry, to fight.
So, do you want to know what happened? Well, Tristan got suspended twice. I used up all of my sick time, float time, and vacation time to stay home with him. He was supposed to ride the bus home to Blair and Rachel's Wednesday through Friday, and I was to pick him up Saturday for good. Tuesday night, they informed me that they weren't comfortable with him coming to their house and I needed to figure something out. Yeah. Of course, right? So I figured it out, had his dad pick him up.
I have paid for two weeks of daycare and I found out TODAY at Tristan's IEP that since he is going to another school starting Monday for Level 2 Special Ed (qualifying for emotional impairment, academically he exceeded his reading goal by 92%) and the bussing may take up to 5 days to get set up. Fantastic, it's not like his dad is going to pick him up and take him to Shelbyville for daycare. And I can't get my money back. I have to pay for the entire week no matter how many days he's there, if any at all.
In car news, last week Thursday just after midnight (so, JUST after my giant commission check hit my account) I got pulled over for my headlight out. I had two unpaid tickets, got a citation for driving on a suspended license, my sister had to pick me up and get my car. So I paid one of the tickets online, the other had to be done during business hours. So, as I already wrote, I took care of all my bills. Well, when I got the surprise news that Tristan was going to be here a few days earlier than planned, I realized I needed to get two outfits for him for school. I thought I set aside enough for that ticket; the first one was $215 so I had set aside like 300 something. Tried to pay Monday, Martin Luther King Jr. day. Bought the outfits, paid the electric bill. Tuesday I went to pay it and I was $24 short. What could I do? So, a few nights ago I got pulled over in Wayland -- AGAIN with the stupid headlight -- my license is still suspended. Over the $24. He said I need to pay it by Monday or I'm getting another citation.
Well, I have no money. So I applied online for a payday loan (stupid, I know) and filled in all my bank info and social security number. Then I realized it's probably a scam and had to put a freeze on my card. The icing on the cake? Joth and I broke up today.
I'm kind of numb at this point. It's like when you've been slapped so many times in the same place, you don't even feel it anymore after a while. Or when you're getting a tattoo, eventually you just get used to the pain and you feel like nothing. You go to that other place where nothing can touch you. Oh, that's disassociating. Very helpful when life starts to get overwhelming, and that's where I am now. I'm not even here. Whatever is happening to me, my body and my brain, well whatever. I'm not even there. As Jewel says in her Deep Water song, "...and you wake up, to realize, your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive...". Survival mode, until the crisis passes. Batten down the hatches. This is serious time.
And it's okay, because it's all making me stronger. I'm not bitter, angry, or resentful. I WAS, at first. Like, ugh, it's not FAIR! Why does this shit keep happening to ME? But now I'm like, well, it happened. Oh well. Now what? I completed day 4 of my sadhana. No matter what else happens, I am my own rock. I will not let myself down. In the end, I'm all I've got, and I won't compromise myself for anything or anyone. To thine own self be true.
No comments:
Post a Comment