After all this time, it's curious that I would come back to write while Mercury is in pre-retrograde shadow. I'm no professional astrologer, but from what I understand, the ground we are covering NOW will be covered AGAIN when Mercury goes retrograde. So, we're going forward in the same spot we'll be going backward as of the 21st. The topics that come up now, the secrets that are hidden now, the things we repress...it's all going to come out when we tread back over this familiar territory. Truth will be revealed. Bruises will be poked. The things we say now...they're going to come back to haunt us.
I read an article by an astrologer which said that if we already know that we will be back-tracking back down this path, why not line it with flowers and strewn petals. Why not make this time the most lovely and wondrous, so that when we have to walk it again, it will be enjoyable? I fully agree with that idea. I'm trying to do that. In ways, though, it feels like my life is falling apart.
And I know that this is how these things work. Things MUST fall apart, or the hopes and dreams you set your heart on will never come to fruition. The changes you wish to manifest can not come into being without some type of destruction, of the status quo, the old paradigm, the existing structures. We can't have it both ways. So yes, with growth and expansion come a certain level of discomfort. I get that. I don't like the uncertainty. I don't like the disturbance on the surface of my previously placid pond. There are ripples. The boat is rocking. I'm wearing a nice dress and I never intended to get wet. I want to reach the shore, but I never planned to SWIM there. I'm not dressed for this. I do not approve. WAHHHHHHH.
I don't in any way want to detract from the amazingness of my news. Yes, spell check -- amazingness IS a word. Now. Anyway, this blog started with me giving up Tristan due to the situation I was in, followed me through the agonizing fear that he'd never come home, and now will bear witness to the glorious declaration that my son is, indeed, truly and finally COMING BACK TO LIVE WITH ME! That's the sweet side of the sucker. Do you remember those? Sweet on one side, sour on the other? Anyway, the sour side is this: he is having horrible behavioral issues at school. I just don't know what's wrong. I almost feel guilty, because I wished for this, but I didn't specify in which WAY I wanted it to happen. I feel partially responsible for not being more specific.
Now, as overjoyed and elated I am, I am afraid. He keeps getting suspended, and I have no more sick time. I am at six occurrences, which is enough for me to get fired any day. I don't know what to do to help him. I don't know how I can take on the sole responsibility of getting through this. On the last new moon, I set my intention to manifest "super mom status". Well, hellooooooooo....here it comes. In the most unexpected and unpleasant way. Surely these trials will hone and sharpen my skills as a mother. I'll become supermom, out of sheer necessity. It'll be like my determination when I was giving birth to him -- I was NOT having a C-section. I only had 6 weeks of paid time off and I needed to make this HAPPEN. So it is now. It's time to activate warrior mode.
I'm looking for the blessings in all these struggles, and they abound, to be sure. But they're gilded with hot burning fear. Not only that, but my rock throughout all of these changes has been Joth. My security blanket, my safe place. My sanity. And I guess, ONCE AGAIN, the Universe wants to remind me not to be attached. I love him so much, who could ever have imagined that would be a bad thing? But far too much of my happiness is tangled up in what he thinks of me, his approval, his validation, his reassurance. When I don't feel it, I feel like a bird without any wings. I could be soaring through the sky, high on life and filled with confidence. But the doubt and the insecurity are like lead balloons. I can't move. I don't want to move. Deflated. Immobilized. This shouldn't be.
How do I learn to be happy in a relationship, and to not SEEK happiness FROM the relationship? How do I maintain self-fulfillment and simultaneously maintain a mutually fulfilling relationship? The two concepts seem to be at odds with one another. I don't know how to be in love.
We've been having a little trouble lately, and normally I'd say it's just growing pains. We've been through struggles before and it always felt okay. I always trusted that we'd get through it and didn't seriously worry. This time feels different. I am scared and I want to run away. Have you ever felt that feeling? I'm sure I can't be alone in this. You can feel when you are connected, and the energy flows. But psychically, sharply, painfully, you notice the DISCONNECT. That's what I feel right now. I have always noticed those relationships where I knew intuitively that things would never be the same. I never thought that would happen with Joth. After all, I feel like we're the same person. I've never loved someone so much. I've never learned so much, laughed so much, grown so much. I never doubted that it was the two of us until the end.
But now I do. But what do I do? A part of me wants to grip even tighter, clutch even harder. But I won't do it. Love is supposed to be like water, the harder you try to close your fist around it, the more it slips through your fingers. If it is to be, it will be. I must LET it be. And anyway, somewhere there will be a blessing in all this. But if the one person who fit every place, possessed every quality, met all the criteria, fit the exact description...well if that person could not have loved me, then no one can. There would be no point in searching again.
I know I sound so melodramatic. *sigh* Well my period is coming, so there's that. I've always been such a deep feeler. My family always teases me and says I'm dramatic, and emo, or whatever. It isn't drama for the sake of exaggerating my feelings artificially for attention. It really IS this deep. It's annoying sometimes. I'm just going to trust the process. There are a lot of great things happening, and there are a lot of challenges too. But I'm moving forward and I'm going to kick some major ass. I have some work to do and I really just can't waste time crying in the corner.
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