I remember when I started seeing 11:11 all the time after Joth and I found each other. It was so persistent that I googled it, and my search brought me to a ton of articles about twin flames. I discussed this here before, but I always thought as I read the articles, "Yes! That all fits! Except the running part. That part's not going to happen. There will be no separation, we're different. We're more evolved than that." At the same time, though, there was a different part of my brain saying, "If there is a runner, I know it will be me." Because that's what I always do anyway when I get too close to someone and I feel that the closeness is not mutual. Or when I fear getting vulnerable by catching feelings that are unrequited. If there are feelings + fear of rejection = peace out.
However, I was sure that would never happen with Joth, because this was a healthy relationship, and surely he would never do anything to make me feel insecure. Imagine my surprise when I realized that the root of my fear and insecurity had never been with my partners at all. It was in me all along. Because here I had everything I asked for, as close to a perfect partner, seemingly tailor-made for my exact needs and wants. And still, the fear came. I was surprised. I didn't understand it. Now, there is a perfectly mundane explanation for this aside from all this karmic woo-woo twin flame stuff that you may or may not believe. All that aside, I took a quiz on attachment styles. Everybody has one. I discovered, after taking like 5 quizzes, that without a doubt mine is fearful/avoidant. Here is a brief synopsis.
- "- A negative view of self (low self-confidence)
- - A negative view of others
- - A desire to be connected with others paired with a very strong hesitation
- - Fear of rejection
- - Fear of abandonment
- - A sense of not being good enough or worthy
- - Fears so predominant that you want to withdraw or avoid relationships
- - Difficulty trusting others
- - Feel more invested in your relationships than the others involved
- - Take a very long time to get into a relationship, but tend to be dependent once it begins
- - Often try to avoid conflict
- - Hesitant and reserved in how much you share about yourself and your feelings
- - Tend to be passive in relationships"
"Those who fall into this category view themselves as unworthy and undeserving of love. Additionally, they feel that others are unworthy of their love and trust because they expect that others will reject or hurt them. Given their negative view of self and their view that others are bound to hurt them, those with a fearful-avoidant attachment style tend to avoid close involvement with others in order to protect themselves from anticipated rejection (Bartholomew, 1991)."
That fits me to a "T", the entire article. Part of me is relieved, because there are ways that I can address these issues. It is a complete contradiction, I never knew that anyone else existed who felt the way I do. If I'm using the Gemini twins metaphor, as I so often do, I'd say that one twin longs for human connection. She aches for a soul mate, fervently believes with every fiber of her being that it would be paradise to find the yang to her yin. She is convinced that if only she found that missing piece, she'd feel complete. This twin is rushing toward the relationship, giving away her heart with wild abandon, joyful, excited to share her life and her love.
Then there's the other. HER. She doesn't trust anyone. She keeps her guard up at all times, and if anyone should step one inch over the perimeter, alarm bells are sounding. She's the one in my head always saying, "Run. Run. Run away, you're going to get hurt. You know you can't trust anyone. This is a dangerous place to be. Evacuate the love premises NOW. DANGER." Except in this relationship, there was no logical objection she could have, so she was for the most part quiet. But she was always searching, searching, relentlessly hunting for the tiniest crack. The slightest imperfection, any hint that things could go wrong. Any excuse, really, to hightail it. So last week, she wasted no time finding a reason to detach.
See, after I got pulled over last week, my sister's husband picked me up and brought me to their house. My sister is huge and pregnant, due in March. They both had to work the next day and I needed to get home, so I messaged Joth because luckily he was still at my house. Bless his heart, he came and picked me up. It was really super sweet of him to do. Now, I was venting my frustration as I am wont to do whenever something bad happens, it's just a way for me to process my feelings of agitation and let them go. I felt like he was completely not even there, no, "Everything is going to be okay" or anything like that. In fact, he kept fucking interrupting me when I was sharing my feelings, as if they were the least important thing in the universe. I felt very hurt by that, very invisible, very unimportant, very unsupported, very shut down. I was just making a bid for compassion and I was repeatedly denied, until he finally told me very frankly that he just couldn't deal with me talking about such negative things while he was driving because I might attract bad things to HIM. I felt pretty insulted by that, but when I brought it up, it turned into me being ungrateful for the ride.
Which is definitely not the case. He totally rescued me and I was so thankful for that. I honestly don't know what I would have done without him. Discussing how I felt and being hurt by what he said doesn't negate my gratitude. It was a separate issue, but anyway that's not even what I came to talk about. You notice I didn't even blog about it when it happened, because I didn't want to pour energy into the negative. I didn't want to talk about the bad things because where attention goes, energy flows, so I skipped right over it like it never happened. But that night when we got home, something changed. I kept trying to communicate with him, and it kept escalating. I tried all kinds of different tactics, speaking calmly, using "I" statements, inviting him to discuss. But he'd interrupt and get instantly agitated, no matter which approach I took, it would be instantly blown up into gigantic proportions where it wasn't even possible to have a calm adult conversation.
He turned it around like I had always been some crazy person and had always made such a mess of our communication. Yes, this touched a nerve because I KNOW from crazy. I used to BE that. It was so hurtful that with all of my deliberate, concerted effort to take a healthy approach to relationships and discussion, he just didn't at all see the times I had been mature or level-headed. All he remembered were the times I had slipped up, and in his mind suddenly that became all I had ever done. I was so upset that he couldn't even acknowledge the GOOD conversations I had had. For me, those were achievements. For the times I had overcome my emotions to go unrecognized was like a sword to the heart. I worked hard to be able to do that. I know that I still have work to do, and that sometimes I communicate ineffectively, but I am always learning and trying, and apologizing when I mess up. He, however, seems to believe that he is a perfect communicator and never makes a mistake in relating to me and well, that is just simply not true. He is just as flawed as I am, and it takes two to tango.
Anyway, I brought up the progress I had made, and I said, "If you can't recognize the effort that I have made and the times I have overcome this, then..." and I trailed off. He looked at me, emotionless, blank face. "Then what?" He said. I was crushed. I didn't expect to be let off the hook for my mistakes. But I was looking for some acknowledgement of my successes, and there was none. That blank stare. Those heartless eyes. That feeling of disconnection. That's when I pulled away. Nothing was ever the same after that. Mentally, that's the moment I ran away. I didn't actually break up with him until last night.
Was I wrong in thinking he was my soulmate? Absolutely not, there's no way I could have been. The number of coincidences, all the signs, the feeling...it's never been that way with anyone before. That's not the issue. I know he's the one, but it's clear to me that we both have a lot to work on independently before we can be successful together. Maybe it won't happen this lifetime. But just because we've broken up doesn't mean that we cease to be part of one another. It's frustrating because we think and feel what the other does, so it was definitely a more challenging relationship. Advanced level. But the rewards were so much greater too, and I really hope that when I deal with my bullshit and he heals more from his recent trauma, that we will truly be healthy enough to complement instead of complicate one another. Despite its ending, I in no way view this relationship as a mistake. I'm still so grateful that it happened. We just couldn't communicate, and I have so much other shit going on in my life right now that I just don't have the energy to fix that too. All in divine time.
Twin Flame Runner
Twin Flame Runner
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