I haven't chosen a goddess yet. Is there a goddess of temptation? Confusion? Uncertainty? So many things are going so right. I felt complete without a man. Now that a man has entered my life, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm not sure if I have a place to fit him. What time can I give him that is not time taken away from myself or my kids? What will I sacrifice for a relationship? Is it worth it? How do I have the book club, the sister circle, the kids, the job, the yoga, the family...AND a boyfriend? I just don't think there's room for him in my life.
Ramiro is a nice guy. I had a wonderful time with him the past two days. Something just doesn't feel right, though. It's not that I get danger vibes. I just don't feel like a relationship is what I need to be investing my energy in right now. I think about the past two days and feel like I cheated myself. I didn't do yoga, I didn't blog, I didn't see anyone but him. Is that the kind of life I want to go back to? I think about all the things I COULD have done. I could have made body butter or sunscreen. I could have finished my laundry. I could have gone to Goodwill and done a little more decorating. Instead of being happy that I met someone, I almost resent him because I feel like I had more important things I could have been doing with my time. Is that terrible?
It's not that we really have much potential. He lives about two hours away in Indiana. He works on my days off and vice versa. The only reason last night worked out was because of the holiday. I told him that, too. I was blunt. I said I really like him but he may never hear from me again because there really isn't anywhere we can go from here.
I did have sex, though. Seven times ;) I can't say I didn't enjoy it, but that's not enough of a reason to jump into a relationship. Obviously, I can live without it -- I did it for six months.
But anyway, moving on to other things...tomorrow I'm going on Tristan's field trip as a chaperone with his class. I'm excited! Then, I have the kids tomorrow and Wednesday. Wednesday night is the new moon ritual with the sister circle. Saturday is my reiki 2 attunement. Sunday is the book club meeting. Monday is yoga at the intentional living community house led by one of the sistars. Tuesday, I'm getting this bad-ass asymmetrical haircut with a purple streak in the front. Thursday is more yoga but I'm not sure whether or not I'll go. That's up in the air. But I'm so excited and thrilled for all of these things!
THESE are the things that make my heart swell with joy. THESE are the things that fill me with gratitude. THESE are the things I look forward to, savor, and remember fondly. The past two days, on the other hand, just feels like a mistake.
Maybe someday I will meet a man who fulfills me not just physically and emotionally, but spiritually as well. Someone who enhances my spiritual development. Someone who will do yoga with me, maybe? Is that too much to hope for? Maybe I'll meet someone at Peace Fest. Until then...I'm staying single.
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