Today is a bright, sunshiny, beautiful blessing of a day! I searched for, "Goddess of Joy" and Bast(et) was among the results. I chose her immediately, mostly due to the fact that she was my first patron goddess back when I was about 14. I even had a Bast statue at one point in time, but I have no idea what ever happened to it. I've moved so many times that very few possessions from my "past life" are still with me.
All the better, though. Losing my material possessions time and time again taught me to not be attached to them, and to this day I cherish nothing but the memories. It is not until you have nothing that you realize that all of the things you thought you couldn't live without don't really matter very much at all. Having said that, though, I notice that I am now in danger of a type of "spiritual materialism".
I was so minimalist for so long, and I never thought twice about buying anything I WANTED. Well, not possessions, anyway. I did spend a lot of money on experiences, but that's different. Anyway, now that I'm clean and sober and earning a decent paycheck, I have found myself lusting after objects in a dangerous way. I justify it because they are things that would complement my spiritual practice -- expensive yoga mats, tie-dyed yoga pants, semi-precious mala beads, meditation cushions, yoga retreats, pendulums, statues, wands, herbs, essential oils...and so on and so forth. I had to remind myself recently that I should not desire, not even for these things. It is possible to connect with the divine without spending any money or possessing any fancy tools.
Speaking of not desiring, it occurred to me that this new moon will mark 6 months of celibacy for me. I didn't even intend to do it, it just happened -- just like quitting smoking. I never set out to quit -- but yesterday it dawned on me that I have had a pack of cigarettes sitting untouched in my car since Holly's birthday party last Saturday. The addictions just passed, with little fanfare, on their own -- without ever saying goodbye. They just left, without being asked. I guess they realized they weren't welcome in my new healthy and balanced body.
Janessa came over today and she also made a comment like my mom had -- she said I look anorexic. I'm seriously perplexed...I mean, I do notice that my pants are falling off. But I don't look any different to myself than I did last year. I wonder if I should be worried. I don't think so, though -- I think it was more likely that I always saw myself this way, even when I was chubby after having Sienna. It's just that now, my outside matches the perception I've always had of myself. I do eat. I swear I do. And anyway, I'm not THAT skinny...I'm in a size 6, which is pretty average, I think.
Speaking of Sienna, I had the craziest dream about her last night! First, she was as old as Jewel and her hair had turned blonde. I was very excited because she looked more like me. We were hanging out at my parents' house with her parents, and everyone was getting along great. Then she was two, and she was hugging me and hanging out with me and everyone was happy. Her parents weren't upset about it, she was really comfortable around me, and I felt very complete. I don't really know what it meant, maybe nothing. I liked it though.
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