Kali

Well, today I chose Kali because the theme of the day is death.  I'm a little confused about how I feel, or why I feel this way.  Luckily, no one super close to me has died yet, but it's surreal every time someone I've hung out with passes.  I can't really wrap my mind around the fact that I won't see them around, I'll never be able to send them a facebook message or give them a call.  Nobody ever really feels GONE when they're gone, I guess.

I know that death is a part of life.  I know that the person who has gone does not mind it one bit.  There's really no reason whatsoever for me to be sad, so I can't understand why I am.  I haven't hung out with Ben in over three years.  Well, I gave him a hug at Peace Fest last year, but I haven't talked to him since.  It can't be that I miss him.  I guess I just always told myself I'd get back in touch, and now that I realize it's too late, I kind of regret it.  It makes me think twice about the things that we let slip through our fingers, all the endless amounts of time we seem to think we have.

Mostly, though, I think I'm sad because my heart is imagining what it would feel like to be Mandy right now.  To be missing that person you loved so much.  How can she cope?  It really puts my so-called problems in perspective.  I want to bitch and whine about my job, my family, or some other nonsense...what is THAT compared to losing your husband?  If I have learned anything from this, it's that we really do have to make every second count.  I'm the queen of procrastinators, I always imagine the rest of the world will just stay put while I go off and so something else, and expect that everyone and everything will be exactly the same way I left it when I return.  I'm shocked when I reconnect with people after years of silence to see how much they've changed.  It never feels like any time has passed at all, and in my mind, it really hasn't.

But then somebody dies, and you realize that they didn't just stay put in that spot you left them, always intending to return.  That now you can't return.  

On a positive note, I have Tristan all week this week because Blair and Rachel are in Vegas!  I'm very happy about that.  I also started talking to this guy from online.  He lives like 2 hours away though, which really made me hesitate.  I told him straight up on the phone last night that I hate driving and I don't think this is going to go anywhere -- I'm not having a repeat of last summer!  I really like him, though.  We talked for almost three hours on the phone last night.  He's absolutely gorgeous...and intelligent also.  So far, so good (but, I've said THAT before!).  

When we first started texting, he asked, "Do you smoke or drink?"  I said I haven't had a cigarette in three weeks, and I drink a glass or two of wine once or twice a month.  But then he asked...."Do you go to church?" and I was like, oh no, here we go.  He's not going to talk to me anymore.  But I was honest about my spirituality and surprisingly he is totally cool with that.  We'll see how this goes.  I added him on Facebook last night, which might not have been a good idea (he requested me) but it might get weird if things don't work out.  

Okay, well I'm going to watch a dharma talk and have some more coffee.