Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball, where were you while we were getting high?

Yup.  I tried to do THAT one today...and it was a giant fail.  I felt pretty bad about myself until I googled it for the picture and realized it's a very difficult pose.  I did Day 3 of the 30 day challenge, which was posture.  I then picked a random YouTube vinyasa flow video and didn't realize it was advanced until I had (almost) finished it.  Still, I get props for trying!

I couldn't wait to blog about what just happened.  I don't know why.  I know it happened, and no one else will get it, no matter how hard I try to explain.  Even if you BELIEVE me, you just can't grasp the magnificence of what just happened.  Or maybe you can!  I don't know.  So, I got done doing yoga.  Per the second chapter in the book I am reading about Ayurveda, I need to start making a regular meditation practice.  I'm slowly working at easing myself into a routine.  (Part of that routine is going to bed by 10, so I'm keeping an eye on the clock)

Anyway, I decided to meditate for 20 minutes.  I picked a random chakra clearing 432 HZ meditation.  Now, this was not my first trip around the block.  Nor is this the first time I had this type of experience, except that. um. substances may have been involved during the other occasions.  So here I am, sober.  I'm staring at the swirly trippy psychedelic flame type graphic on the TV screen (I played the video on YouTube and it displayed on my TV screen).  

Anyway, I suddenly felt the need to close my eyes.  I wasn't tired, but they became very heavy.  I was trying to focus my thoughts and banish my silly childish fear of the dark, so I was repeating "I am" on the inhale and "love" on the exhale.  My fears began to dissipate and fade entirely.  A light feeling started to fill my body and expand throughout my aura.  Suddenly, in my mind's eye, it was totally bright.  How do I explain this?  Behind my eyelids, it looked like someone had turned on the brightest light ever.  I could see it, even though I knew all the lights in the apartment were off.  Yes, the TV was on, but this was a vivid WHITE light.  I'm certain it's  the same white light people speak of upon returning from a NDE.  I have seen it before, but, you know.  

This swelling, rising, euphoric rush of joy just...coursed through me.  I felt like I was a helium balloon, rising and rising and rising.  I felt so full of joy I could have popped.  There are just no words to describe it.  I felt a noticeable shift when my mind popped into that groove, and while it was a distinctly different state of consciousness, it was not unfamiliar to me.  I used to flip back and forth with ease as a child.  The feeling of transition and submersion in the white light brought back memories.  I have become convinced that either something is seriously mentally wrong with me, and has been since I was a child; or that all children possess an almost magical link to things we adults have long since forgotten and I have been blessed enough to rediscover this gift.  I'll be honest, I'm not quite sure.  Am I schizophrenic, or is this latent in everyone?  Is this a spiritual experience, or psychological illness?  Does it matter?

I don't really have anything else to talk about right now.  Good night!

Now take these rings And stow them safe away I'll wear them on Another rainy day Take these rings And stow them safe away I'll wear them on Another rainy day

Haha, do you really think I did lifted lotus today?  Ohhhh noooo.  But I TRIED.  It didn't happen today, but with time...all things with time.  

The Adrienne Reed power yoga hasn't come out with a new episode in some time, so I went to YouTube looking for variety.  Yesterday, I started this 30 day yoga challenge.  It's only like 15-20 minutes and not very hard, so I'm supplementing it with more intensive yoga.  Yesterday I added Denise Austin yoga...of some type...can't remember the name.  Anyway, she's so bubbly and cheerful and positive!  I just love Denise Austin.  It may not have been "real" yoga, but it was a workout nonetheless.

Oh!  I didn't even say what happened while I was DOING yoga yesterday!  So, I was mid-practice, in camel pose.  Suddenly I smelled cigarette smoke.  I heard some voices.  Now, keep in mind, my blinds are open because I NEED natural sunlight, whenever and however I can get it.  This time of year is typically difficult for me.  So, my blinds were open.  And these two guys were just STANDING on my patio smoking, right next to my slider!  I didn't really know what to do, so I pretended I didn't see them and finished.  Then I went and got in the shower and they were gone when I came back.  Awkward...

So today I did day 2, which was arms.  Yesterday we did a lot with pigeon pose, which I believe I have mentioned is not my best pose.  I have tight hips and while I am exceedingly flexible in some areas, I find that I am below average flexibility hips-wise.  I have always been that way, though.  In cheerleading, I could do side splits without a problem but could never get that middle split down.  Hey, who knows though?  Maybe now that I'm 31 it will happen?  Or not.  It's yoga PRACTICE, not yoga PERFECT.  ;)

In honor of Sienna's birthday, I went back through all the pictures Juliea emailed me.  I am so thankful for  those.  They are so comforting and healing.  I also burned a CD for Kelli with pictures of her and Sienna right after she was born.  They are precious.  I am excited but nervous to "meet" Sienna on the 5th.  She won't remember me.  She doesn't know me.  Kelli said she can't wait to see her play with me.  What if she doesn't want to play with me?  I don't expect her, ever, to view me as a mother.  But I am, obviously, related.  I DO want her one day to recognize me as a relative.  But I have to understand that right now she won't.  

The reason I'm doing this mostly is so that when she IS old enough to understand, her parents can say, "Yeah, you know, Christine that we meet up with every year?  Well that's your birth mother."  I have gone through a wide range of ideas about how involved I'd be in her life.  I've continued to do research and read feedback from adult adoptees.  When I was pregnant, I thought it would be too heartbreaking to ever have a visit.  I normally deal with difficult situations by ignoring them and hoping they will go away.  But I'm not the only one to consider here.  And besides, that's not really a healthy coping mechanism.  I can't just stick my head in the sand and pretend this never happened.  I need to accept that it DID happen, embrace it, and accept it.  And know that it's okay.

I'm mad.  I have no one to be mad at but myself, though, for having unrealistic expectations.  If only Noe had not been married.  If only when I found out about Katie it had been TRUE that they were not involved romantically.  If only he hadn't lived with her.  If only he had moved out, moved in with me, and loved me so I could bring the baby home that we created to be loved and cherished by two parents who also loved and cherished each other.  This isn't what I wanted!  I wanted to be loved.  I wanted to be the only one.  I wanted to have this baby, and keep this baby, and raise this baby with her father.  I see pictures of her, and while they warm my heart, I think -- that could be ME taking those pictures.  That could be MY lap she's sitting on, MY chest she's lying on.  She could be smiling at ME.  Hugging ME.  It's not fair that I never got to have any of that because he couldn't just be...what I wanted him to be....what he wanted me to believe he was...what he never was.  

Yeah okay well enough of the pity party.  I don't need to be sitting here crying into my coffee.  Life has happened exactly the way it was supposed to, and I've grown just as much over the past year as Sienna has.  I AM thankful.  But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes.

So speaking of relationships, let me tell you about Randy.  So he's this guy I work with.  I mentioned him before and for some reason I found myself caving and agreeing to a date with him.  I loved our conversation and I was actually into him.  Then we came back to my apartment and it was clear the only thing he was interested in was making out and trying to go further.  I have no patience for that.  I used to be okay with it.  I used to give it up on the first date, why not?  Who really cares?  It's not that I think it's "wrong".  It's that it's a waste of my time and energy.  I found myself disappointed.  

We made a date for yesterday but in the meantime he had texted me pictures of his dick and I was just like, ewww.  Penises are ugly, okay?  At least to me.  I have never understood why guys send those pictures.  It made his chances WORSE, not better.  I was nauseated.  I was also experiencing anxiety at the thought that I would be expected to have sex.  I wasn't up for that.  I just wanted to relax on the couch, drink coffee, listen to music, laugh.  Why would I mess that up with sex?  I just don't want to.  So I cancelled on him.  I don't really want a boyfriend.  I just want a friend...a friend who will hang out with me, watch movies, listen to music, and tell jokes.  A friend who will hold my hand and even snuggle with me.  But I don't want this friend to expect anything of me, least of all sex.  Is that too much to ask?  Probably.  *sigh*  

Everything you do in love is definitely relevant...

WELL.  See what I get for waiting so long to post?  I have way too much to say.  I'll try to keep it short.

First and foremost, today is Sienna's first birthday!  I'm not sure how I expected to feel today.  I hear that this time is hard for many birth moms, and to be sure I HAVE had those days.  Today, though, wasn't one of them.  Her parents posted some adorable pictures of her in our little private Facebook group and they really warmed my heart.  I read somewhere that adoptees do not like to hear from their birth parents that they have no regrets.  It makes them feel unwanted.  I always say I have no regrets, and I never thought that could be taken in a negative way.  All I mean by that is, I am sure that I made the right decision and, given the circumstances surrounding the situation, I do not wish I had chosen to parent her instead.

Do I wish the situation had been different, so that I COULD have parented her?  Absolutely.  Do I regret that the circumstances dictated that parenting her would have been devastatingly detrimental to both of us?  Of course.  But do I ever lie awake at night saying, gosh, I really made the wrong choice.  If I had it to over again, I'd have made a different decision?  No.  Because all I have to do is remind myself of what her life would be like right now if I had chosen to raise her myself.  

She'd have been brought home to a tentative transitional housing situation, with her mother not knowing where we'd be living 3 months down the road.  Raised by a mother with a temp job and no benefits which could end at any time, leaving us both on unstable financial ground.  She'd have been brought into the drama that was the "love triangle" between her cheating lying abusive father, her father's codependent wife, and a mother who could never have disconnected herself from the toxicity that dynamic carried with it.  She'd have suffered the consequences of my certainly being beset with crippling depression and hopelessness.  Sure, she'd have survived.  We'd have all survived, we'd have made the best of things.  She deserves, in my opinion, SO MUCH BETTER than the best I could have done.  I want -- no, NEED -- for her to understand that as she gets older, if she struggles with feelings of rejection and abandonment.  I wanted her, I loved her, still do and always will.  But I wasn't willing to make her sacrifice so much just so I could have what I wanted.  I always knew in my heart it was the right decision.  I am proud of myself and thrilled with her family.  We have both made so much out of what seemed so dismal.  She will struggle at  times and I will struggle at times, but not like we would have. 

So, on that topic, Noe called me out of the blue the other day.  CALLED ME.  I have not heard that voice for eight months.  I don't know how he got my number.  To be honest, I was a bit shaken -- and I have had nightmares every night since.  It's silly, I know he doesn't know where I live.  It's all mental.  I hated talking to him, because to be honest, for all the progress I've made over the past year -- I became the same exact person I was a year ago as soon as I heard his voice.  I didn't like it.  I'm not that girl anymore.  But somehow that conversation seemed to erase a year and I regressed back to this person, this angry person, this powerless person, this sorry person.  He wanted pictures of Sienna and I told him no.  He told me to trust him and I found myself struggling for footing.  Defensive.  Wavering in my convictions.  I found myself apologizing and excusing and trying to "smooth things over".  I felt it inside me, like all I have done was for nothing.  Like he had the power to just reduce me to the wilting flower I had always been when he blocked my sunshine.

Well FUCK THAT!  As soon as I got off the phone, I texted him and told him to never contact me again.  I had Brian block his number and vowed that I would NOT become entangled in the sort of mess which only leads one place, and it's no place I ever want to be again.  NO.  Go AWAY.

On a positive note, I went to a Shamanic journey last night.  It was at Cedar Tree and it was so spur of the moment, but I have been trusting the Universe to guide me.  I saw the post and felt called to go.  It was a amazing, we cast a circle and the leader drummed while we went into a meditative state to journey to the spirit world.  Since it was my first time, my intention was to meet my power animal.  At first, I struggled.  I had expectations and I was kind of trying to control the journey.  I thought my spirit animal would surely be some kind of bird, and we'd fly majestically over the valley while I felt freedom rush through my veins.  So I'm standing at the top of the mountain, looking at the lush valley below.  I saw the forest, and the river.  But I just KNEW I wasn't going down there.  My bird was coming.

It didn't come.  Frustrated, I just gave up and decided to surrender to whatever was going to happen.  At first it was nothing.  Then I started seeing swirling spirals.  It became a swirling spiral whirlpool-like thing, right at my third eye.  I could FEEL like I was swirling down into it.  Then I felt the rushing feeling, like when you're speeding super fast down the highway and the lights are just whooshing by.  It was the same adrenaline as if I had really been flying down the hill of a roller coaster.  I thought, "I feel alive!"  I got the message, "You need to do what makes you feel alive".  Still, I expected my bird to show up and take me to dizzying heights.  Didn't happen.  All of a sudden, BAM, I'm eyeball to eyeball with a...wait...is that...a HORSE?  What the...???  There must be some mistake here.  My power animal can not be a horse -- I want to feel FREE!

I stroked the horse, so gentle and placid.  At least she was sweet.  I got on her back and suddenly we were running -- FLYING across this wide open expanse.  It was exhilarating!  Then, I got the message -- you can be free AND stay grounded.  Oh, soooooo true.  I loved it.  It was medicine for my soul.  So much more happened, but today I felt like a new person.  I felt happy, and positive, and nothing could get me down.  We were slammed with back to back calls at work, but every one was great.  Whether they were disconnecting, or angry, or rude -- it didn't matter, because at the end of every call we were friends.  NOTHING could get me down today.  How wonderfully divine :)

S

Things could always be worse I remind myself of this often when i'm coughing, when I'm sick when I'm hurt I get my ass outta bed, meditate the crime out my head

Today was pretty good.  I think listening to some upbeat music made all the difference yesterday.  Besides, today the sun was shining and court didn't go to badly and I got to see Tristan at his Valentine's Day party.  I'm starting to feel sort of down again, though.  I wasn't tired when I got back from Tristan's school, but I took a nap anyway.  I woke up feeling awful, like nauseated and fuzzy.  Kind of drunk, almost.  It's weird the way I nap when I'm manic.  It's not really a sleep, it's like a coma.  And when it's over, that's it.  It's over.  Whether it takes five minutes or a half hour, I fall as hard as a bag of bricks but suddenly snap out and can't sleep anymore.

So there I was, bored and with nothing to do, and I couldn't even sleep the time away.  I feel restless but I don't know what to do.  I don't want to clean, or read, or watch TV.  I'm FINE, though.  I mean, I don't feel bad.  I just feel like I should be doing something.  I just don't know what, though.  

I'm feeling the urge to be more social, I definitely want to make a point to get down to Cedar Tree and see girls from the sister circle more often.  I felt very, very blissfully happy today -- Kellee Maize has a new album, The Fifth Element.  I downloaded it and burned it onto a CD and hooped in my living room while it played.  I felt great.  I felt sublime.  Right now, not so much, but it'll pass.

I also have an urge to be more social in a different way.  The last few days it was more a sexual impulse.  Lucky for me, I haven't shaved since the last time I had sex, which was in November.  Not my legs, not my...*ahem*.  So even though I was feeling rather impulsive and sexual, I luckily did not act upon it because I didn't feel like shaving.  Haha!  Well, it's not so much that I didn't feel like shaving.  First, I have to buy a razor because my handle broke.  Secondly, I can't just SHAVE the lady area anymore (sorry TMI!).  That's no longer a job for a razor.  

Today, though, I am feeling more sentimental.  I have a deeper longing, a craving for companionship.  Remember before when I said sometimes I feel horny and sometimes I feel romantic?  And then there are the times when I have no sexual or romantic desire whatsoever and I feel like I must have finally transcended the plane of human desire.  Those are the times I totally think I could be a monk.  Ha!  Anyway, what I want more than anything right now is to snuggle, to kiss, to hug.  To hold hands.  I just want to be able to snap my fingers and someone appears, but then when I want to be alone again they disappear.  I always get irate when someone is in my personal space past the time I want company.  I start to feel claustrophobic when someone is here too long.  I feel trapped and I want to escape and I get grouchy and wish I could make them disappear.  I'm terrible, aren't I?  

It's almost Sienna's first birthday.  11 days.  You know, I love being an emotionally deep person.  I do enjoy feeling every feeling to the fullest, riding every wave to the crest.  Sometimes, though, I wish I could just dial down the intensity.  I'm so grateful for my life, and my feelings, and my children, and my experiences.  It's just that sometimes I get overwhelmed by emotion.  With all this going on, it's hard to keep my head above water.  Oh goddess give me strength.

I never heard anything from her parents about the Christmas gift I made her.  I feel kind of bad, was it too much?  Did they feel threatened?  Did they find it inappropriate because there were pictures of her nursing in it?  They were tasteful, no nipple was showing -- and I'm certainly not ashamed.  I want her to see it, to know that I didn't just callously hand her off to some strangers.  I want her to see the pictures of me holding her, beaming down at her with pure love.  To see the joy uniting everyone in the hospital room that day -- to know that we all loved and cared for her, but yes, also to see that it wasn't easy for me.  The last thing I'd ever want her to think is that I just incubated her, handed her off, and forgot her.  If I don't show her what happened that day, she'll create her own version in her own imagination, and I don't want to give her room to ever assume that I didn't love her.  She can never doubt that.

Anyway, they agreed to annual meetings after her first birthday.  I can't really talk to anyone about this because I don't want to look like it's attention seeking, or to make people feel awkward.  But I'm scared.  I don't know how I'm going to feel.  I don't know how her parents are going to feel.  I don't know how to approach her, how to talk to her.  Should I hold her?  Shit, she doesn't know me anymore.  She'll be one year old, what exactly are we going to do?  I'm afraid it's going to be awkward.  I'm afraid of how I'm going to feel when she looks at me and doesn't know me.  Is it going to break my heart?  Will it even be worth it?  She won't remember and I don't know if I'll be strong enough.  Okay I AM strong enough.  But will it make things better?  What do I hope to gain?  So many questions.  And so many tears, these last few days!  I haven't been sad all the time but I'm just SO emotional, swinging from elation to despair and back again multiple times a day.  It's exhausting.  I'm tired.  I am going to try to sleep.

Take a vow in the Pale moonlight, moonlight, moonlight, Take a look at myself through my third eye. (third eye, third eye, third eye) Everything’s already alright, always alright, always alright

Amazingness, today.  Oh, and that pose...it looks easy, and I think for some people it IS.  But I have tight hips and it was HARD!  If I just keep working them, though, it'll be easy in no time.  

So check out this AMAZING thing that just happened.  I'm not going to call it a coincidence because I don't believe in them, synchronicities are messages from the Universe.  I am so amazed.  

So, I woke up feeling really sad, still.  Maybe an end-of-winter can't-believe-it's-still-snowing where-the-fuck-is-the-sunshine kinda melancholy.  I had bad dreams, although I can't remember details.  The vibe lingers on me like the scent of a lover who has long since left my bed.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  I felt like everything was kind of pointless.  It's weird that I get the most depressive symptoms and suicidal ideation during manic phases, no?  I mean, there are times that I'm just high on life and elated.  But if one bad thing happens while I'm manic, it's like that high energy channels into my depression, strengthening and deepening it.  It's a deadly cocktail.

Yesterday, my brother never brought Tristan over.  Nobody called or texted me, and I was really looking forward to seeing him.  I texted Rachel and she said Blair's meeting got cancelled so he and Tristan were just hanging out at "home".  Whoops, sorry.  Tee hee!  We all know that child would have rather spent his day with his mother than anyone else, but you keep with you on MY day off because...why?  You say you love him, but you keep him from the biggest source of joy available to him at every turn.  You think that maybe, if Mom is not available, all the love and admiration he holds for her will be somehow directed toward you?  Not the way it works, bucko.  Anyway, I was nice.  I didn't say anything mean.  I am really working on this, always be kind thing.  But it's so HARD when others are unkind to YOU!

In the past, I have underestimated how much we humans really have a drive and desire to hurt those who have hurt us.  Or maybe it's just me, I certainly can't speak for the whole species.  I found myself getting ready to post snide memes on Facebook about climate change, and how stupid and ignorant climate change deniers and creationists are.  I had to stop myself.  I had to question my motive.  What did I hope to achieve by posting that?  To piss someone off, because they had pissed ME off?  SHIT taking the high road is so HARD for me sometimes!  I even had the impulse to send Noe's wife some extravagant gift for Valentine's day, with a note saying something like "Thank you so much for being in my life, beautiful".  Then he would be so pissed off...but  that would be horrible, wouldn't it?  Why would I want to do that?  

Why am I still so angry that I was so hurt and he never had to "pay"?  Where do we get this notion that every wrongful act deserves retribution?  I say I believe in Karma, but sometimes I grow impatient with the process.  If I am honest, though, if I really want to go there -- there are things that maybe I have done that I didn't suffer appropriately for.  Things I "got away with"...except I didn't.  I remember back when Tristan was about three.  I was making a LOT of money.  Easy money.  Dwight and I went out to eat all the time, dropped cash like it was nothing.  We took our friends out for no reason, bought them things just because.  We stayed in four star hotels and ordered room service.  Went out dancing every weekend.  Took trips to Detroit for music festivals and wasted more in a week than I currently MAKE in two months.  My hair and nails were always done and I had a zillion pairs of shoes.  

I remember vividly, sitting on the couch one day at my old house.  I had this weird feeling inside, like I was "cheating".  I was taking care of my responsibilities, bills were paid, kids were clothed and fed, but I felt this nagging sensation.  It was almost like, this is way too easy.  I can't believe I'm getting away with this.  I didn't.  Now look at me -- those children I was taking for granted while I was out partying, where are they?  How many nights do I stay up at night crying?  Where is that time back that I wasted?  

I am haunted by visions of my son asking me to play with him, or snuggle with him.  My daughter asking me to sleep next to her.  Of me yelling at them for the stupidest stuff.  Falling asleep on the couch in the middle of the day to wake up and find the two of them sneaking outside.  I can't even go on.  This is a pain beyond what I could ever describe anyone, this is the bitter harvest resulting from the horrible seeds I didn't even know I was planting.  Did I learn a lot from that, yes.  Did I finally realize that my children were the most important thing in my world?  I did.  Did I see that money doesn't matter and it can never buy back the memories you didn't make?  You better believe it.  In a way I'm lucky because I didn't miss out on their whole childhood.  I still have time to be a good mom.  But I will never forgive myself for the mistakes I can't un-make.  I thought I was getting away with it, but you NEVER outsmart karma.  Never.

Anyway enough with the weeping.  I finished yoga and still had a sad feeling in me.  I didn't have the motivation to blog but I decided to anyway.  I was out of ideas for song lyrics so I pulled up Pandora and told myself I'd put lyrics from the first song I heard.  There was a recommendation from Pandora for a band I had never heard of, Nahko and Medicine for the People.  I thought, hey what the hell.  I'm always down to hear some new music, and if Pandora thinks I'll like it, I'll give it a listen.  First words that come playing through my speaker:

"I believe in the good things comin', comin', comin', comin'
I believe in the good things comin', comin', comin', comin'
Out of darkness lights are pumpin', pumpin', pumpin', pumpin'
Deep breaths for a young man learnin', learnin', learnin'"

It was like medicine for my soul.  I decided to check out some of their other music and found some stuff that really made my heart happy.  I had almost forgotten all the love, joy, and beautiful people in this world.  There ARE good things coming.  I am so grateful for this reminder.  Shine on!

drift madly to you pollute my heart drain you have broken at me broken me

Well, hello, friends.  :)  Life is kind of a bittersweet tragically beautiful right now.  It's hard to explain.  Anyway, I couldn't QUITE grab my toe but I am pleased with the progress I am making.  That's what I love so much about yoga -- it changes as you change, evolves as you progress.  There's no "mastering" it.  It's not like those exercise videos you keep doing over and over, same exact moves, until they get easy and you have to find something else to do for a challenge.  Yoga grows with you.  I love that.

I am listening to The XX right now, which for some reason made me feel a bit nostalgic.  I remembered the album Razorblade Suitcase (Bush) which I had been given for Christmas when I was, I think, 15.  All the strong memories associated with the music I listened to at that time came rushing back.  My whole life has a soundtrack.  Hearing a song or album from a particular time in my life is almost as good as having a time machine -- it brings me right back.  So I'm feeling reflective, emotional.  It's not a bad thing, even though it feels a little sad.  It's not regretfully sad.  Just...again, I can't explain.

Tristan is sick today so he's going to hang out with me for a little while.  I'm looking forward to some snuggles from my baby.  I feel myself letting go of my resentment toward Rachel.  I am trying to just BE love.  Whatever her issues are, whatever story she wants to tell or imagine, it has nothing to do with me.  Whatever she wants to convince herself of, it does nothing to change the fact that I am Tristan's mom, he is my son, and neither of us are ever going to forget it.  Too bad.

In all this stress with custody of Tristan, though, I realized I still need to focus on my dear sweet beautiful daughter.  Just because I have to fight for him and not for her does not mean she should be forgotten.  I may have one child that I am fighting to get back, but I have another who is always there, patiently waiting for me and never judging me, loving me wholly and purely as only Jewel can do.  I do believe her autism has gifted her in this way.  She's so genuine, so pure, so honest.  She is everything that I struggle so hard to be -- non-judgmental, honest, compassionate, forgiving.  I find it amazing that she has retained so much of that innocence that, by her age, so many of us have lost.  It's an encouragement to me to rediscover it within myself.

I got both of the kids a small bag of crystals from Spirit Dreams, and they were just ecstatic.  I think I already mentioned the ones I got for Tristan, and yesterday I got Jewel carnelian, garnet (because it's her birthstone) and flourite.  I got each of them a rose quartz for Valentine's Day as well.  I'm glad I have something I can share with them, since they only do yoga with me when it's the Cosmic Kids yoga and even then I think they do it mostly because it makes me happy.

I was given a test at work the other day, and I almost didn't pass.  I recovered rather quickly, though.  I really get along with the girls on my team, and we have been planning an outing together.  We're all friends on Facebook and have gotten really close.  On Sunday, three of them started talking about how much they love George W Bush.  Yeah for real.  And how climate change isn't real, and liberals just want to sponge off the system.  I found myself getting infuriated, astounded.  I was thinking things about them like that they were stupid, uneducated, heartless, etc.  I walked away to get coffee, fuming.  Suddenly I realized, these girls are my friends.  I expect people to accept me for being different, but how was I any better?  I was being judgmental, self-righteous.  I allowed a difference of opinion to create a fence between us where none had existed before.

I'm so tired of labels.  I think we humans all have exactly the same things inside of each and every one of us.  The other side has another side.  And THAT side has another side.  It's never ending, but the point is that each individual is so much more complex and multi-faceted than the two-dimensional sticker we try to stick on the box we've shoved her in.  In the end, it doesn't matter what I think or what you think.  We are all wrong and we are all right.  I don't want to be liberal, conservative, democrat, republican, christian, pagan, anti-this or pro-that.  I AM LOVE.  Period.  In a human body, which brings with it both wonderful and terrible things but we are all cut from the same cloth.  

Of course today on my day off I couldn't sleep past 6 am.  So I'm in an UP phase.  It's cool, I was down long enough.  Mercury is in retrograde, I just ended my period (which was late, as usual -- so I've come to the conclusion that I just have a longer than normal cycle), and the full moon is Friday.  This is no time to make decisions.  

Yet a guy at work has a thing for me and there's just no WAY that I could date a guy at work.  Okay so I lie, because I did have a thing for Wiltmar back then, but we're not on the same team.  THIS guy sits, literally, one foot away from me.  We have the same supervisor.  How awkward would that be?  So I know it's a bad idea to even lead him on.  But at this time, with my hormones doing whatever and my brain chemicals having a party, the full moon and goddess knows whatever else amping me up, I really struggle to restrain myself.  My sexuality and impulsivity is clouding my better judgement.  I haven't done anything yet and I know it would be a horrible idea because I already know going in that I'm coming back out, because I don't want to commit and I love being single and I don't want to stay in a relationship after the sparkle fades and they realize I AM, after all, human and imperfect.

Don't you love that initial phase?  The honeymoon phase?  All he can think of is you, and he can't get enough of you.  He writes you poetry and dedicates songs to you and tells his friends how wonderful you are.  In his eyes, you're an angel.  I like to feel like an angel.  But inevitably, reality sets in, the sparkle fades, the shine begins to dull.  You're kicked unceremoniously off your pedestal and glared down on in contempt.  How dare you not be the perfect goddess he imagined you to be.  And now it's your fault, because you couldn't possibly live up to the idealized expectation he had for you.  And he resents you.  And now all you can do is drive yourself crazy inside wondering which girl he thinks is prettier or who he wishes he were with instead, wondering where that passion went and who he's directing it to now because you've become all but invisible except when he needs something.  All you want is to be that angel again, and with increasing despondence you realize you never will be.

So you bounce.  And you start the whole cycle all over again, hoping foolishly that this time it will last, while knowing at the same time that it won't.

Yesterday...all my troubles seemed so far away...life was such an easy game to play....

Ohhhhh, I am some FUNKY kind of BLUE.  I can't even describe this.  I mean, on one hand, yesterday I was maniacally cleaning.  I couldn't even stop, I was washing clean clothes, scrubbing clean spaces on the counter.  Everything...just...had...to...be...PERFECT.  Inside, I was exhausted.  But as long as there was something else out of place, not quite right, I couldn't stop.  If only I could channel that at will...;)

But.  At the same time, I'm despondent.  Overwhelmed.  Irrationally emotional.  I got my period today, I KNOW things are not nearly as hopeless as they seem.  I know the lens through which I view the world right now is distorted, that I am not drowning.  But damn it if it doesn't feel like the end of the world as I know it.  Furthermore, Mercury is in retrograde and winter is NEVERRRR ENDINGGGGGGGGGG.  

I put on my makeup this morning, sobbed uncontrollably.  Cried it all away before I even left the house.  I talked to Tristan after school, and was happy to hear he had a good day.  Although to be honest, I was also a little NOT happy because it only serves to prove Rachel's idea that she is justified in stealing my son because he does better when he's over there.  

I'm getting those paranoid feelings again.  Those everybody is out to get me vibes.  I mean, Tristan brought over his hat and gloves and I looked EVERYWHERE for them.  I EMPTIED OUT the fucking closet more than once.  Not just thoroughly looked -- took everything out, one by one, put it all back in.  I am absolutely POSITIVE that they weren't there.  A week or so later, after I spent THIRTY dollars on a pair of ski gloves from Amazon, Rachel came to pick him up and he found them in the closet.  At first I thought that was weird.  But then I started to wonder if she never left them here at all.  If she wanted me to look bad for Tristan going to school without a hat and gloves.  If she snuck them back into my closet when I wasn't looking, so I would feel crazy.  I KNOW how insane I sound.  And inside, I FEEL a little insane.  But I also feel like she's evil and she WOULD.  How will I ever know?  Do you know what it's like to have that crazy feeling in your mind, knowing it can never be validated?

So, I got home from work today, and Brian called me.  Apparently like 4 or 5 books on narcissistic personality and love addiction came to his house, addressed to "Christine-Raena-Colter-Lyon-Hunt-Monterrosas-Ortiz........Kacos"  What the FUCK?  First of all, the address on the typed label was wrong, and it wasn't even mailed.  It was dropped off.  Who do I know that would A) Know where Brian lives B) Know the last name of all those exes and C) Know me well enough to make some kind of assessment about my personality...but not well enough to know where I really live?  Or is it someone (like a family member) that DOES, in fact, know where I live...and DOES, in fact, know Brian's real address, but feigned ignorance as a way to disguise their identity?  

You know what, whoever it is, I don't give a shit.  You think I haven't wondered these things about myself a time or two?  Do you think I really need some random anonymously delivered books from whoever you are, as imperfect as you surely are?  Was this mean-spirited or well-intentioned?  What kind of superiority complex does THIS person have to go to all this trouble addressing my issues while acting like they have none that their time would be much better spent addressing?

I got done doing yoga and just cried, and cried, in Savasana.  I want to cry, and cry some more.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong.  Are these signals from the universe?  Am I off track?  Am I supposed to be picking something up here, doing something different?  Why?  WHY???????

A woman inside with the pain that she hides. It’s easy to see her eyes turn green when she cries. Her eyes turn green when she cries.

When was the last time I did yoga?  Oh, it would probably be the last time I posted.  I mean, I did it today.  Reluctantly.  I found it rather hilarious that after taking all day to summon the energy to just get my ass UP and do it,  the session I chose was the hardest one.  I liked all of my yoga sessions, until this last one.  (I think I have around 20 by now.  I record the Adrienne Reed Power Yoga Mind and Body.  I think it comes on at like 5 in the morning.)

Anyway, I forgot that it was the one I hated.  It was an ab one, and anything with abs or arms is guaranteed to kick my ass.  Legs?  Bring it.  Balancing, stretching?  No problem.  But arms or abs?  Ugh.  I guess I hate them because they're the ones I need the most.  So I should be grateful for them.  

The pose you see above is like plank, but on your elbows.  But from THERE, you had to pick your leg up four inches, then bring your knee forward, then bring it back and lift it, then forward again.  Then touch your knees ALMOST to the ground, and back up.  Then rock forward and backward.  I think the part that was infuriating me the most is that she would say, "Now we're going to take two breaths in this position" and then she'd start blabbing ON and ON about something, meanwhile I've been holding this pose MORE than two breaths and I'm dying and just wishing she would shut UP!

I am very, very grouchy.  I feel emotionally turbulent.  I haven't felt this melancholy in a while.  Here I was thinking I made it through a winter without any serious depression.  I shouldn't have thought so soon -- this could be it.  I honestly felt suicidal yesterday.  Of course, although conditions are prime for this to happen, there was a trigger.  Besides the fact that I am PMSing and Mercury goes retrograde tomorrow.  

Well, I was feeling so victorious about transitioning Tristan to live with me.  I've been waiting so long, and working so hard.  We miss each other and the time finally came to make our dream a reality and reunite our family.  I can't tell you how joyous I was.  It isn't just that I miss my son -- I feel like I have been stripped of my very "motherness".  Not having a child at home every day, being in charge of someone's every decision, not being the primary caregiver, not packing the lunches or laying out the jammies or helping with homework every night...I feel like Mom "Lite".  It wasn't so much the loss of my child, but the loss of my motherhood.  The change in my status that has been so hard to accept.  I know this is a lesson I need to learn.  But my heart just aches so much.  

Anyway, he was here from Sunday night until tonight (which is Wednesday).  He had a bad day Monday.  He got detention yesterday.  He had to talk to the principal again today.  WHAT is wrong???  I had such a breakdown yesterday.  I'm not proud of myself, but I literally could not control my emotions.  

I thought everything was perfect -- I had tucked him in, given him snuggles, fed him a big healthy dinner, packed him a nice healthy delicious lunch with a love note, let him take a relaxing bath with my smelly bath salts...I felt good sending him to school.  In fact, I even went to Spirit Dreams and picked him up a couple gemstones in a little pouch.  I got orange calcite for happiness, crazy lace agate to help balance his energy, and black tourmaline for protection from negative energy.  I was so excited to pick him up.  Then I found out he had kicked a student and I just lost it.  I started sobbing right there in the car.  I told him ALL he has to DO is just BE GOOD, and he can live with me!  Why is that so hard?  Why can't he do that?  Doesn't he want to live with me?  

I know that was unfair of me to put that on him like that.  Transition brings feelings of stress in children and he is not intentionally hurting me.  It isn't even ABOUT me.  He just isn't handling his emotions well, and I wasn't helping at ALL with that reaction.  I was just so disappointed.  It was then that I realized that I can pour my heart, soul, time, and money into being a great mom -- but ultimately, it's up to HIM whether they will let him come back.  If he has behavior issues when he's been with me, it won't happen.  And I can't MAKE him be good.  It's out of my hands, and I'm so not comfortable not being in control.  It makes me feel frustrated and angry.  

Then I picked Jewel up and she was holding the gemstones and dropped them in the car.  We couldn't find the agate and I just pulled over and started SCREAMING.  I just couldn't hold myself together anymore.  I felt crushed inside.  Just so helpless.  So discouraged.  So defeated.  

I thought today would be a better day, but it's not.  I haven't done yoga in forever and haven't been reading or studying Ayurveda like I was.  I tried to pick up a book and couldn't read it.  Finally I just forced myself to say it IS what it IS so let's just align with the flow and make the best of what we have.  I got attached to a specific outcome and now I am suffering.  I had an expectation and life doesn't always go the way we think it should.  This is what I have, this is what I will work with.  So I pushed my ass out onto the yoga mat and it seemed to unblock some stagnant energy, because here I am blogging again.  

Then I had some dandelion tea with honey and coconut milk, it was soooooooo delicious.  It's supposed to be good for PMS.  Also I have some lovely henna on my hand from Juliea yesterday, I think I'm going to have to get some because I want henna on me all the time!  I don't always understand the purpose of things.  Life gets hard for no apparent reason sometimes.  But I'm going to keep my head up.  Everything is going to be okay.