That last entry, the Sekhmet one, had to have been over a week ago. It was just before the full moon because I had just started my period. By the way, the full moon ritual was LOVELY -- we did yoga out in Danielle's backyard and a drawing down the moon meditation. I really enjoyed it.
Let's see, that was...Wednesday, maybe? No. It was Thursday. See, Wednesday I had agreed to Facetime with Ramiro. I hadn't spoken with him in a while, and to be honest here, I was kind of playing with him a little bit. I wasn't interested in him, but I looked so good after I got my hair cut that I sent him a picture. Does that sound vain? It probably is. The ugly truth is, I have this inner craving to be admired and adored. I like to feel desired, even if it's from someone that I don't want.
So anyway, we Facetimed. He still seemed really into me, and I was still pretty much blowing him off. He was telling me about how there's something about me, and I laughed and told him the only reason he's so into me is because he can't catch me. He's an Aries, and those fire signs love to pursue. So when you're trying to run away, it only makes them want to catch you more. But you know what they say about playing with fire....I totally got burned.
After the ritual Thursday, I stalked Ramiro's facebook and saw that he had added a few girls. I had agreed to see him Saturday, but Friday came and went and I heard nothing from him, so I assumed he had moved on and I shrugged it off. No big deal. Then Saturday he tells me he has to work late and won't be able to come, and can he see me Sunday? Well first, I knew it was a lie, so I was insulted. Secondly, I didn't want to see him anyway! I honestly didn't. So I told him to just forget about it and I didn't hear anything until Sunday.
I was at work and he texted me, "Hey babe how's your day" like nothing had happened. I said, first of all, I'm not your babe. Then he asked if he was still coming over at 5 and I said NO! He kept begging me throughout the day, and honestly I was feeling sexually frustrated, so finally on my way home I said okay. The weirdest thing about this whole thing was that I had a dream Sunday morning about having super kinky sex with him next to a pool. So then...
I get home, I take a shower and put some makeup on. I put on a slutty dress and some high heels. This was only about sex. I figured I might as well enjoy myself. He got there, and something seemed different. I don't know how to explain this! I honestly don't know what even happened. The first time he had come, I had been a little disappointed, to be honest. He hadn't looked like his pictures, and while he was still attractive in person, I just didn't feel any attraction toward him. Do you know what I mean? I didn't think he was ugly, he just didn't do it for me in person.
But Sunday. Oh my god. I still don't know what was different. I couldn't stop staring. It wasn't just how he looked, though. Something was different about him. The first time he had been here, he kept asking me what I thought about him, and did I like him, and when could he be my boyfriend, and would I ever want to have another baby. It was all such a turn-off, he had been trying so hard. Now I know that by Sunday he had been talking to someone else, and I really honestly think that he didn't care anymore, and that's why he was suddenly so irresistible to me. It's fucked up, right? He had this new attitude. It was confident. He was more aggressive. He didn't beg me or flatter me or kiss my ass. And I fucking loved it.
We had sex and I felt like crying afterward. Why? I don't know. I was picking up on some subtle energy shift. I can always feel when someone is pulling away emotionally, and it's the most wretched helpless feeling ever in the world. Because of course, the harder you try to pull them back, the more it pushes them away even further. There's nothing you can do. And I sensed it -- he was gone, and I was falling for him. Oh my god. It was so awful.
He came up behind me and put his arms around my waist in the kitchen and I almost melted. He grabbed my chin and leaned in and kissed me, and I felt this electricity go through me. All of these things I never felt with him the first time. And the sex, it was as good as the best I've ever had. Coming from me, that's saying a lot. So, he spent the night. In the morning, he seemed anxious to leave. He kissed me, but it felt obligatory. In fact, he had gone out to start his car....who does that in the summer? You don't have to start your car before you leave! He was eager to leave, and I knew it. He didn't say anything, but I knew something was wrong. And after he left, I just cried.
Later on, I made a fool out of myself by texting him and asking if he was still interested in me. He said yes, but that he knew I was not interested in him and that's okay. So I told him I felt something different now and asked if he would be interested in dating. He said we could see what happens, and I was overjoyed -- but then I didn't hear anything at all for the rest of the day. Finally he texted me late at night and said he was sorry but he's talking to someone who lives near him and I guess we're not meant to be. Karma!!!! Oh my god, after rejecting him for TWO WEEKS, finally I start falling for him and he rejects ME. Do you have any idea how much this hurts???? Shit, I have cried so much over the past few days. I haven't cried over a man since Noe. What the fuck??!!
The worst part is, I don't even know what I'm feeling. Do I only want him because he doesn't want me? He was crazy about me for two weeks and I felt NOTHING. Why did I suddenly feel something when he didn't want me anymore? Do I just want what I can't have? Do I REALLY like him, or is my brain telling me I do just because I know he doesn't like me and I can't stand it? I was so sure last week that I didn't want a relationship with him. At all. None of my reasons have changed, so what DID?
The reason I'm analyzing this so much is because I really have to figure out how to overcome this. I'm a wreck. I can't stop crying. I feel sick. This is so horrible!!! I feel like a powerless prisoner of my irrational emotions. I don't even know what to do. I stopped doing yoga. I started smoking again. I feel some kind of emptiness inside me that wasn't there before. I was HAPPY without a man, I felt complete and whole. Now, I feel empty and lonely and sad.
On a final note, I'm going to end this entry by stating that I have come to the conclusion that casual sex is a very bad idea. I've been doing it for 17 years without any issues. I can typically have sex with a guy without getting attached like most girls do -- but somehow, I think that has changed. I think it's the sex that's confusing my brain. The first time he was here, I was still closed off. But then I had my reiki 2 attunement and I think that changed me too. The 2nd attunement is supposed to open up your heart chakra. Where normally I keep that tightly closed and don't let anyone in emotionally, when he came over the second time, it was wide open.
You read about the hormone oxytocin, and about how girls can not separate love and sex while men can. I've never had that issue, but somehow intuitively I can sense that I can no longer just sleep with whoever without any repercussions. I've been writing in this blog for a long time, and you know that I am all about freedom and liberation and the right of a woman to live her life any way she chooses. I am not judging any woman who indulges herself sexually in any way she chooses, as often as she pleases, with whomever she desires. I am only realizing that for my own emotional health, I need to be so much more careful now about who I share my body with.
Is it a coincidence that the Egyptian goddess of war and divine retribution also rules over menstruation? Hahaha, I think not. For all the negative flak that comes along with getting your period, I think we can all agree that this is a time that a woman will take no shit. You fuck with me during this time and there WILL be war.
It's not all anger, though. I feel fully in my power during my moon time. I am more sensitive, both psychically and emotionally. The first two days I usually take off from yoga due to fatigue, but when I return still in my flow, I find that I am more flexible. I have more conviction. Less patience for bullshit. I am less inclined to play games or to sit sweetly and be quiet. To hell with social conventions, fuck "being a lady". I'll say it like it is.
BUT, it's not like I'm out roaming the streets, up in everybody's face, telling them where to shove it. I generally keep to myself, and I've been trying to incorporate more self-nurturing into my moon time (like herbal baths, relaxing with a book and a cup of tea, self-healing reiki, extra sleep, etc). I even bought a red bracelet to wear as a way to honor my womanhood and also as a signal to others to approach me with caution. ;)
I have learned so much about life just by stepping back and observing the simple things I do every day. Jewel had lice, and I was so pissed off at those motherfucking bugs. I was thinking about it, though, and it's not the louse's fault that it was born a louse. Crawling on our heads and feeding on our blood is in their nature. It isn't something they do to us out of dislike or anger. That's just what they do. They just want to live. (I'm not proposing we let lice roam free on our heads, oh no, never that!) What I AM saying, though, is...we are kind of like lice.
We are drilling holes in Mother Earth, fracking, mining, releasing poisonous gases into the air...imagine if the earth is her scalp, and all this fucked up shit we're doing to better ourselves is hurting HER. If your head was a planet, and there were little inhabitants blowing shit up, drilling holes, and fucking up the eco-system...you'd have no sympathy for them, would you? KILL THEM ALL! That's how we feel when we get lice.
When there are natural disasters, religious people wonder, "Why, God? Why me??? Why would a loving god let so many people die in that flood/hurricane/fire/earthquake/tsunami/tornado??? Those people just wanted to live, that's all!" Does anyone wonder why a loving god would allow mass extermination of the lice and the roaches that "just wanted to live"? Maybe to US, our lives are more important...but how to we know that there is any distinction in the eyes of "god"? No one is exempt from the life/death/life cycles. It's not fair for anyone, or anything. What is survival for one species is destruction (or irritation) for another. We just need to keep it in balance.
So, as usual, I went off on a bit of a tangent. I also wanted to talk about reaching goals. I've always struggled with acceptance, but yoga is helping me learn the meaning.
*I started this entry a while ago and saved it, intended to return and finish my thought about acceptance. But that never happened and I have a new entry for today.
Hi! Is there a goddess of WORK? Nonstop WORKING? I volunteered for this, but I had no way to predict how much it would take out of me. I worked on both my days off for overtime and I'm staying until 7pm on Monday night. I'm exhausted. I didn't think answering the phones could take so much out of you, but it's mentally draining.
*BEEP* "I want to cancel my service" *BEEP* "I fucking hate Charter, come get your shit out of my house NOW" *BEEP* "You people raised my rate" *BEEP* "My DVR doesn't work" *BEEP* "I'm on a fixed income" *BEEP* "I want a credit on my bill" *BEEP* "You care about your new customers more than your loyal ones" *BEEP* "The NSA is spying on me through my cable box" (Yes, I have really had that call -- twice) *BEEP* "I'm moving" *BEEP* "My mom is dead" *BEEP* "I'm not paying for that asshole's cable anymore" *BEEP* "I didn't order those pornos" (Yeah, I'm sure the pay per view totally ordered itself. Yup. I believe you. NOT)
On the bright side, though, my next check will be NICE -- it will have fifteen hours of overtime at $21 each, along with my commission -- which is actually a super good thing because I just got a letter from the secretary of state saying my license is suspended and I need to pay NOW or I'll go to jail if they catch me driving. YIKES. And being that I live in Wayland and there's no real crime here so they pull you over for things like not scraping your back window (yes, it happened to me), I really need to stop messing around.
So let me tell you about the awesomeness! I was torn between two lives, the life with the sister circle and my life as a mom. Since no kids were allowed at circles, I felt like it was selfish if I ever took time away from the kids to be with the circle, but I also felt discontent when I missed time with the circle because I had the kids. A solution presented itself. At the new moon, Shauna made an announcement that a lot of things were changing and one of them is that children can now attend, just like they would in church. This makes my heart celebrate.
More awesomeness -- yesterday, I was at Festival of the Arts with Jewel. We were strolling down the side streets, looking at the vendors. Actually we were specifically looking for Jillian because I wanted some henna. I saw a booth selling spring rolls and noodles with a banner that said, "GREAT WISDOM MEDITATION CENTER". I passed it twice before it clicked that THAT is the name of the temple here in Wayland that I tried to go to but freaked out because it was someone's house. So, I got in line and ordered some noodles. I asked the girl if they were in Wayland and she said yes. I told her what had happened and she told me they are building a new temple this summer, and to come! Perfect!!! Maybe by the time it's built, I will have a schedule with Sundays off.
Even MORE awesomeness, today is my birthday. Yeahhhhh. It's a pretty great day, even taking into account the letter from the SOS. I was trying to plan my budget, and that letter pretty much took the guesswork out of the equation. Now there's no doubt about what I'm doing.
Jewel and I listened to Shawna's husband's band The Muteflutes (they were sooooo good!!!) and Skankadank, which includes Danielle's husband, Maria's boyfriend/fiancee, and Jamie -- a fellow sistar. I feel like I kind of need a musician boyfriend or girlfriend. I would really like that a lot, in fact. I picture someone playing his/her guitar for me next to a bonfire....ahhhh, that would be the life :)
BAAAAHAHAHA! I googled "Goddess of Birthdays" to choose a goddess for today, and this link came up to input your birthday and get your goddess. Mine was LILITH! That's too perfect. I love Lilith, Adam's first wife who refused to submit and basically said fuck you I'm not beneath you, I'm outta here. Hell yeah. A woman who needs no man, which we all know by now are the goddesses I adore most of all. :)
http://www.fractal-timewave.com/mmgc/find-your-goddess.php
So today I chose Shakti, Hindu goddess of primal energy. There is really some kind of awakening of primal energy happening to me right now. If I may admit this privately here, I'm a little scared. I mean, I know everything's under control. I'm just a little awestruck. That doesn't mean I want it to stop -- I just find my head swirling with questions, and I can't make sense of what is happening or why. I love to analyze everything, my ego loves logical explanations, but in this case there is no rational response from anywhere to appease me.
I come across as a very open-minded person, right? I WANT to be. But really, I'm so skeptical! Like when I went to go have a reading from Karen -- I expected some hocus-pocus, vague answers that anyone could have pulled from anywhere. She astounded me with the things she knew and had no way of knowing, but inside me will always live that doubter. I don't know why. Is it fear?
Anyway, the first night after my reiki 2 attunement, I took a short nap. Like a micro-sleep. Those happen to me quite often when I'm manic, and it's a very strange sleep I go into -- it's like SO deep, instantly, then it's over SO fast. It really feels like a downloading session. It's like I am aware of what's going on around my body, and I know that I'm lying in bed and can sense everything around me, but my mind goes somewhere else while still being conscious of this dimension. It's super hard to explain but super weird. Anyway, so that was happening and my palms were BURNING. In the center of each palm, just on fire. It hurt. I said to myself, wow, I just can't doubt reiki anymore (because, despite WANTING to believe it worked, I really didn't).
Then, last night, I had this crazy dream. Again, part of me was there in my bed and knew what was going on around me. The other part of me was experiencing this incredible powerful overwhelming SURGE of energy through my body. It was so strong, I almost couldn't handle it. It felt like I was really, really high and just out of control. The energy kept rushing and it was so intense. I was afraid. I kept telling myself that reiki can never do any harm, and that I was safe. I knew it would be over soon and I'd be back in my body, so I was just trying to hang in there until it ended. I don't know what it means. I had a similar experience when I was pregnant with Sienna, my spine felt electrocuted and I woke up vibrating. My whole body was VIBRATING. I was afraid then, and I'm a little...intrigued now. I can't say afraid. I'm not afraid. I just don't understand it.
Anyway, that's that. I am on day 8 of my 30 day green smoothie challenge, and I'm committed to daily yoga in June. Hey, Peace Fest is just over a month away and I want to be looking my best. After all, I'm going alone this year and you never know who I might meet.
The green smoothies are good, I've been mixing and matching blueberries, bananas, kale, spinach, coconut or almond milk, coconut oil, hemp seed oil, chia seeds, agave syrup, maca powder, spirulina, ashwagandha, raspberries, strawberries, kiwi, and avocado. I tried to cut up some mango to freeze but....fail. I don't know how to cut a mango. I tried to do it like an avocado -- go to the pit, go around the pit, and pull the two halves apart. Yeah, I ended up with mango mush and juice running down my arms. It was a disaster. The first day it was so awful, I almost vomited. I still felt nauseated when I got to work. I had put way too much spirulina, and just a banana for fruit. The second day I added blueberries and cut down the spirulina. The third day I added agave syrup....muuuuuuuch better.
I also made these chia no-bakes, they were amazing! They have coconut oil, peanut butter, cacao powder, oats, honey or agave syrup, vanilla, and chia seeds. Tristan LOOOOVES them.
I did ten hours of overtime this week (5 hours on each day off) so I haven't had a day off and won't get one until Tuesday. That's okay, it's Wednesday now, and it's GOOD money. I have to save up for my Reiki Master attunement, which is $325. Also I sense some car repairs coming up along the way, so I had better be prepared for that. Oh yeah, and my birthday is Saturday so you know what that means...happy birthday to me, I get to renew my plates. It's all good, though! My life flows with abundance. Everything I need comes to me in the right way at the right time. :)
Yeah, that's right! I'M a goddess! What? Hahahaha.
No, but seriously. I'm feeling pretty awesome right now! I got my Reiki 2 attunement yesterday and I feel amaaaaazing. I'm a person who's going to tell it like it is -- if I felt it, I felt it. If it didn't work, meh. I admit that too, no matter how much I wish it did.
It was strange because my first attunement felt pretty uneventful (until afterward). I had no visuals in my meditation. I didn't really feel the energy, either from others to me or from me to others. I felt like a dud. Afterward, though, things were intense -- I had intense dreams, night sweats, and I went through a period of upheaval and a slight emotional crisis. This time, though, I noticed something different even BEFORE the attunement.
First of all, I was a completely different person showing up for Reiki 2 than I was just a month ago for Reiki 1. That day, I was TERRIFIED. I was scared of everyone, unsure of myself, awkward and uncomfortable. It was hard for me to hold conversations with people. It was painful for me to interact. I really so desperately wanted to crawl into a shell and just disappear. I just didn't feel GOOD ENOUGH. I didn't want these people to "see" me, because I felt that if they did, they would see my flaws and judge me unworthy.
This time, I was still a bit more shy, but I felt OPEN. Conversation didn't feel forced and clumsy. I didn't chastise myself after everything I said for how stupid it must have sounded. I just felt at ease, and at home. I felt like a part of things rather than some misfit outsider. I realized I belonged. It was only then that I realized how much of a shift has occurred in me since my first attunement. Then, Karen guided us in a meditation. The feelings were so much more powerful, I was taken aback! I didn't have to imagine feeling a certain way, or convince myself that something was happening.
The most astounding part was when she told us that our reiki guide would step forward. I was waiting for it to just happen, expecting it not to. Things like that don't usually just spontaneously appear in my mind, I always feel like I have to pretend. But I wanted my experience to be authentic, so I told myself that it would either happen on its own or not at all. Then suddenly, completely unexpectedly, a bright purple symbol flashed in my inner vision. It startled me so much that I gasped. Before I had time to try to figure out what I had seen, she stepped forward. I really felt her presence. To be honest with you, though, I don't know who it was. I thought at the time that it was Bast. For some reason, I couldn't really see her face but I got a feline energy and I knew it was an elegant cat-like goddess of some sort. Down to earth but regal. Now that I think about it, kind of like me. Kind of like a cat -- seemingly aloof and standoffish, but really full of love and affection. Independent, but loving. Guarded but gentle.
Anyway, the whole day was amazing. Everything felt great, we learned about empowering crystals, and I really felt my self-confidence. I came home and looked at my vision board and was startled to see that since I made it in January, most of the goals have been getting completed. In the upper left hand corner, I had "Learn Reiki". Well look. In the middle, "Vegetarian Cooking" -- Janessa just dropped off a vegetarian cookbook like 5 days ago. There was a picture of the sister circle and another picture of a stone that said "Friendship" -- the sister circle has been revived and Shauna just at the last new moon made the declaration that we were getting started back up with sabbats and esbats -- and children are now welcome! A picture of tea, and I have been drinking more. Establish healthy habits -- my house is full of healthy things, and I quit smoking, and I hardly drink. Pictures of yoga, I established a regular committed yoga practice. Lots of pictures of being a good mom, and having more time with my kids. It. Is. All. HAPPENING! I'm really amazed and frankly a little creeped out. But I LOVE it. Oh yeah! And there was a picture of a crystal grid, and guess what we're learning to do in the reiki master class? Yeah, that's right!!!
I am on day 4 of the 30 day green smoothie challenge. I've been using various combinations of almond milk, blueberries, bananas, coconut oil, hemp seed oil, hemp protein, maca, spirulina, ashwagandha, coffee (bad idea), agave syrup, and chia seeds. I love how great I feel. The first day smoothie was positively AWFUL though -- I learned to cut down the amount of spirulina and add a little agave syrup. MMMMM this journey of health is a very fulfilling one. I love my life!!!!
I haven't chosen my goddess yet, but I'm going to just start blogging and I'll think of one later. It's been something like a week and a half since I did yoga, coincidentally I stopped around the same time I started talking to Ramiro. See, my energy can't just be distracted like that. You know something is bad for you when it takes you away from your passions. He wanted to talk on the phone every night for hours, when could I get anything done? I'm done feeling like a hostage. I'm freeeeeeeeeeeee!
I straight up just texted him yesterday and said, hey, this isn't going to work. It wasn't just the distance. I went through his friends on Facebook and there is a ridiculous amount of women. He posted as recently as Mother's Day on his (supposed) ex's wall, "Happy Mother's Day baby!" He doesn't have any posts about any women on his wall, but he goes and likes pictures and posts by all kinds of different women on THEIR wall. That's the first sign of a player.
Plus, when he was here, I saw his "Amber" tattoo and joked that it was funny that we both have our ex's name tattooed on us. He got really serious and I could definitely tell that he is not over her. I looked up HER Facebook page and he was liking her pictures as recently as Friday. Ugh, I'm definitely not getting caught up in that mess. Who wants to feel like just one woman in a long line? Not me. I'm waiting for someone who's waiting for me. I removed him and blocked him...NEXT.
On a less bitter note, though, I learned what I needed to learn from this experience. He was exactly what I was trying to manifest, what I thought I dreamed of. He looked....ugh. PERFECT. Sooooo sexy. Perfect skin, amazing eyes, hypnotic voice. He was great in bed. Lived far enough away that it wouldn't threaten my independence. Likes to talk. Very romantic, and into me in a genuine way. Takes control. I thought if I had someone like that, I'd be happy. Then, he practically fell into my lap and I realized that is NOT what I want after all. How complex it is to be a woman!!!
So anyway, I'm getting ready to do yoga now and then I'm going to pick up my new hula hoop from Kaitlyn -- custom made, woooooot! I want to make something to bring to the sister circle tonight and I might stop by Juliea's and get some henna. What else in the world is better than THIS?
I haven't chosen a goddess yet. Is there a goddess of temptation? Confusion? Uncertainty? So many things are going so right. I felt complete without a man. Now that a man has entered my life, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm not sure if I have a place to fit him. What time can I give him that is not time taken away from myself or my kids? What will I sacrifice for a relationship? Is it worth it? How do I have the book club, the sister circle, the kids, the job, the yoga, the family...AND a boyfriend? I just don't think there's room for him in my life.
Ramiro is a nice guy. I had a wonderful time with him the past two days. Something just doesn't feel right, though. It's not that I get danger vibes. I just don't feel like a relationship is what I need to be investing my energy in right now. I think about the past two days and feel like I cheated myself. I didn't do yoga, I didn't blog, I didn't see anyone but him. Is that the kind of life I want to go back to? I think about all the things I COULD have done. I could have made body butter or sunscreen. I could have finished my laundry. I could have gone to Goodwill and done a little more decorating. Instead of being happy that I met someone, I almost resent him because I feel like I had more important things I could have been doing with my time. Is that terrible?
It's not that we really have much potential. He lives about two hours away in Indiana. He works on my days off and vice versa. The only reason last night worked out was because of the holiday. I told him that, too. I was blunt. I said I really like him but he may never hear from me again because there really isn't anywhere we can go from here.
I did have sex, though. Seven times ;) I can't say I didn't enjoy it, but that's not enough of a reason to jump into a relationship. Obviously, I can live without it -- I did it for six months.
But anyway, moving on to other things...tomorrow I'm going on Tristan's field trip as a chaperone with his class. I'm excited! Then, I have the kids tomorrow and Wednesday. Wednesday night is the new moon ritual with the sister circle. Saturday is my reiki 2 attunement. Sunday is the book club meeting. Monday is yoga at the intentional living community house led by one of the sistars. Tuesday, I'm getting this bad-ass asymmetrical haircut with a purple streak in the front. Thursday is more yoga but I'm not sure whether or not I'll go. That's up in the air. But I'm so excited and thrilled for all of these things!
THESE are the things that make my heart swell with joy. THESE are the things that fill me with gratitude. THESE are the things I look forward to, savor, and remember fondly. The past two days, on the other hand, just feels like a mistake.
Maybe someday I will meet a man who fulfills me not just physically and emotionally, but spiritually as well. Someone who enhances my spiritual development. Someone who will do yoga with me, maybe? Is that too much to hope for? Maybe I'll meet someone at Peace Fest. Until then...I'm staying single.
