Monday

Okay.  Today is November 30 and I’m starting now with a complete overhaul.  Even though December starts tomorrow, today is a Monday so that’s a good day for starting things.  I know I haven’t posted lately, and that’s been mostly due to NaNoWriMo…which I didn’t end up finishing.  I got to 17,000 words but decided that it was putting space between Joth and I, when the whole intention was for it to be a bonding experience.  But when I would come home from working all day to sitting in separate rooms to write, it didn’t feel like a relationship at all.  He said he isn’t capable of being in the same room with me without talking, even if we are both writing.  I don’t know how he’s capable of writing and talking at the same time, but that’s not a skill I possess.  Nor listening and writing, for that matter.  I wanted us to be in each other’s company, but all that happened is that we had another fight and I just quit writing.  I don’t have enough free time in my day to give it all away to a stupid project and have none left over for people. 

 

Things have been really rough, I’m not going to lie.  I left off talking about how I didn’t think we were going to make it, and unfortunately I’m still of the same opinion.  We’ve been on this nauseating roller coaster of good, then bad, then good, then bad.  But the good lasts less and less long and it’s less and less good.  The bad seems to get worse and worse and happen more and more often, over stupider and pettier things.  I said forever, and I’m committed to fixing this relationship if it kills me.  In truth, it probably WILL kill me.  Because I can’t do it by myself, but I’m still going to try.  I’m still going to apologize, and he’s still going to believe that since I’m the only one apologizing it’s because I’m the only one who makes mistakes.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt at first because I AM bipolar and I haven’t learned the best relationship skills, so I did assume that all of our problems probably WERE my fault.  However, I can no longer pretend that is the case.  I swear on everything, I wish it was.  I wish that all I had to do was just change, and we’d both be happy.  I wish he was as flawless as he thinks he is.  Then I would have the power to change everything.  But he isn’t, I can’t, and I don’t know what to do anymore.  I’m looking at relationship books, couples retreats, marital counseling…but none of this is going to work if we don’t both participate.  I’m really worried that his pride is going to end up in the end being more important than our relationship.  It hurts sometimes that my feelings rank in importance below him being right or proving his point, and that my happiness doesn’t mean enough to warrant an apology or acknowledgement of mistake.

 

I’m not really being fair, though, because I do need to recognize that he HAS apologized more lately than he ever used to.  Sometimes, they’re even real apologies.  Other times, they come out sounding like, “I’m sorry you made me do that”.  Those don’t count.  “I’m sorry BUT…” doesn’t count either.  I have tried to model and demonstrate to him the consideration that I would like in return, but instead there’s always a double standard, a reason why he is justified in doing the things that I am forbidden from doing.  And on my end, when I DO the things I’m not allowed to do (but he is), I tend to redefine it as something else.  But it’s really hard to know exactly what he means by things, or what actions fall under the forbidden category.  I’m not really trying to redefine my actions, per se, but I have a different opinion of what constitutes things like accusing, shaming, blaming, minimizing, etc.  For example, when we were having the argument about writing in separate rooms, he told me that he was going to take a time out and go fold laundry.  I was angry and trying to keep my temper down, so I sat there in silence and stared at him.  He said I made a face, I probably did.  But the point is, although I was extremely displeased, I refrained from saying ANYTHING.  He went into the bedroom and later I joined him.  The embers got stirred up and the flames erupted again, so this time I went to take a time out and he started yelling at me about it.  I told him if he gets to take a time out, why don’t I?  (Double standard) To which he replied that I had “shamed him” for taking a time out.  I didn’t say a goddamn word.  I am so tired of him labeling everything shaming.  “Oh, I wore red today and you wore blue.  You are shaming me for wearing red.”  “Oh, your eyes flickered for a millisecond in a clockwise direction which indicates judgement and by displaying your disapproval you are shaming me.”  Like, seriously.  If I had a dollar for every time he throws that word out to apply to anything and everything, I’d be on vacation in some tropical place right now.

 

I don’t want to focus on the negative.  This blog originated from the idea that it would be cathartic to express these things I hold inside, the things I can’t seem to change.  But no amount of writing fixed Noe and no amount of writing is going to fix this relationship either.  When did things finally turn around for me?  When I DID something about it.  Now, in this case, I hope that doesn’t mean that I have to leave.  We have so much potential and I can’t imagine my life with anyone else by my side.  But we are deteriorating.  As much as we love each other, if we can’t figure this out, soon there will be nothing left of the magic we used to have.  A lot of things are falling apart and it’s time to come up with an action plan.  The time is right for change, and I’m going to give it everything I have – but without sacrificing myself.  I am not lying myself out like a doormat.  I am not going to be a martyr.  I am not accepting less than what I deserve from anyone – my goal is not to sweep things under the rug and make nice and kiss everyone’s ass so they’re nice to me.  I’m going to worry about treating everyone with kindness and respect while making firm, clear boundaries and enforcing them regarding the type of treatment I will accept as well.  This isn’t just Joth, by the way.  I’ve been pushed to a tipping point because now Brian is trying to give me some shit and I’m just not taking it anymore.  He can try to threaten me, intimidate me, bully me, boss me around.  Joth can blame me, guilt me, twist my words around into something they never meant just to justify an unwarranted action.  They can do whatever the hell they want, I can’t stop them.  But no one can stop ME from being happy.  No one can stop ME from making myself a priority.  I am stronger than this.  I am better than this.  I am smarter than to keep falling into these traps.  I am not biting their hooks anymore.  I’m not getting dragged in to any more drama. 

 

In addition, I have gained 20 pounds.  EEEEEK!  Holy CRAP!  One thing I will say is that Joth does make me feel very beautiful, so much so that I had no idea that I had gained so much weight.  When I looked at myself, I still saw someone attractive, because that’s what I see reflected in his eyes.  I am so grateful for that.  I appreciate that so much, to be good enough.  To not feel like I’m being compared to every girl who walks by and coming up short.  To not shrink into an embarrassed puddle of insecurity every time someone prettier shows up on TV or in life and see his eyeballs pop out of his head.  That doesn’t happen.  This is huge to me, because I’ve never had a relationship before where I didn’t feel mortally wounded multiple times every day by hearing about all the things the guy thinks are sexy that I do not possess.  AKA, all the ways that I could be better.  AKA, all the ways I fall short of ideal.  AKA, all the reasons I am inferior to all these girls…AKA, all the reasons he is settling for me because I’m not what he really wants.  I don’t have to deal with that and it is the greatest gift that I do need to remember to appreciate.

 

The thing is, I wouldn’t be so upset about what’s WRONG in this relationship if there wasn’t so much RIGHT.  And what’s right blows me away because it’s everything I ever wanted.  If I can’t be happy with someone I connect with on every single level, who COULD I be happy with?  And I know happiness cannot be dependent on anything external or I will never be happy.  I know that.  But I also know that it’s very difficult to find that internal happiness independent of anything else if you’re surrounded by negativity and drama.  It isn’t impossible, though, and I WILL find the key.  I am determined.  Even if my relationship isn’t meant to last, I am still finding a way for ME to be happy and fulfilled no matter WHAT else is happening, no matter WHO is mad, no matter WHERE I am.  Or when or why, you know.  That is my lesson to learn right now.  That is what I need to master.  And I will.  Along with losing 20 pounds.  J

 

You know, those things don’t necessarily have to be unrelated to each other.  The steps I will take to bring happiness and joy to my life will also get me back in shape, because yoga and nutrition are important.  I notice that even when I take my supplements (D3, B12, Omega 3, PQQ Energy) I feel better.  Yesterday, I did yoga.  I’m doing this all the way.  6 days a week without fail, yo.  Also today I made a smoothie, which I will be doing every day also.  I used 2 cups of kale and spinach, a banana, a cup of blueberry kefir, a cup of aloe, a cup of mixed berries, a mini cucumber, and ashwaganda, chia seeds, hemp protein, spirulina, and goji berry boost.  Oh, and a drizzle of raw honey.  In addition, I’m going to get back to reading things that are nourishing for my mind and spirit.  Joth and I are both going to read the Celestine Prophecy, maybe that’s a good place to start.  Maybe it will spark some conversation, something positive to talk about.  Maybe we can bond over it. 

 

Let’s see, I suppose I should update.  Thanksgiving was great, we ended up doing it at home.  Austin was able to join us and Shyloh came over with JJ and Ema.  He friend Jackie showed up later and Scott was there as well.  It was a nice group and we had some kickass food.  Joth did an awesome job on the turkey, I made stuffing (from the box), acorn squash, garlic mashed potatoes, and a pumpkin cheesecake.  He also made a pork roast but we totally forgot about it and ended up having to throw it away.  Ema and JJ brought green bean casserole, baked beans, au gratin potatoes with sausage, and deviled eggs.  After they left, Jackie and Shyloh, Scott and Joth and I had some drinks and I ended up passing out early because I was so tired from the busyness of the day.  It was great, though.  Josh moved out, we had a going away party for him.  We were supposed to go to Fabio’s (me, Shy, Joth, and Eric) but we got tons of snow last weekend and we didn’t go.  He ended up going to jail but he got out before Thanksgiving.  Eric and Shy came over and we hung out at our house, it was pretty fun.  The night before that, we did some karaoke with Jeff and Deanna.  That was fun too.  I like our friends and I like our life and I like our relationship, and I’ve been trying to focus on the positive and I’ll continue to do so.  Things will get better.  Just keep repeating after me:  Things are already getting better and better every day.  Never mind what happened this morning.  The love is still there.  It is still there!  But you can’t force its buds to come open and blossom.  You just have to create the conditions which contribute to its wellbeing and growth.  You need to water it, enrich the soil, sing it songs, give it sunshine.  In time, it will bloom.  But it can’t be forced, it can’t be commanded, it can’t be begged or manipulated.  Love can grow here.  I will be a fucking gardener.  I will be patient and gentle and I will never, never, never give up.

 

We went up to my grandma’s for early Christmas this past weekend and my parents were impressed by how good the kids were.  Tristan got student of the month this month!!!!  We went to his conferences and he is doing GREAT.  I know that this is due in no small part to Joth’s influence on his life.  He’s a great dad, a wonderful person.  I don’t want to break apart our family either.  This morning, when Joth parked the car and threw the keys, Tristan told him that he hated him and I said I hated him too.  I should have set a better example for Tristan on the right way to handle conflict.  I should have modeled restraint.  I should have said, “Tristan, it’s okay to say “I’m angry”.  I am angry too.  But it’s not right to tell someone you hate them just because you’re mad at them.””  It was a teachable moment, and I taught the wrong thing.  Tonight, though, I will teach him that when we make a mistake, we take responsibility for our actions and apologize.  I’m not going to wait around for apologies from people who owe me one, because I’m a good person regardless of how others treat me.  I will apologize because it’s the right thing to do and because I was wrong.  He was wrong too, but I can’t force him to admit it.

 

I have read that twin flame relationships are hard, and I am here to say it is the truth.  But it isn’t hard for no reason.  It isn’t hard like with Noe where there was no positive side making it worth it.  It’s hard but it’s worth fighting for.  The reason is that this other person is the yin to your yang or vice versa, your reflection showing you everything.  EVERYTHING.  It helps you appreciate things about yourself that you see reflected in them, but you also have to do a lot of shadow work.  It isn’t pleasant.  It’s like doing tons of reps in the weight room – it’s hard, and you’re sweating, and it hurts.  But that’s how you get strong.  Resistance is the only way to create muscles, this is the maximum opportunity for the most possible growth BECAUSE it is hard.  It is a gift.  I have already learned so much and I am not giving up on us. 

 

Okay well I’m actually at work and I had 6 shots of espresso so I decided to write this and email it to myself.  So I guess I should do that and get back to work.