Wednesday

What is today, day 4?  I think so.  I took a rest day yesterday, which my body really needed.  I know that the best thing for sore muscles from yoga is more yoga, but we had both of the boys and I just wanted to relax.  So I did.  I didn’t take my supplements yesterday, but I did drink my smoothie.  I did turmeric, cinnamon, raw honey, ashwagandha, chia seeds, hemp protein, goji berry boost, aloe, kefir, 2 cups of spinach and kale, a banana, a carrot, a cucumber, and a cup of frozen berries.  Today I did pretty much the same thing but I also took my vitamins and I added ginger.  The funny thing is, I meant to add a tiny pinch of ginger, but wayyyyyyyyyy too much fell out.  My smoothie was pretty spicy J  The cool thing is, though, that I read that ginger is good for sore muscles!  So maybe that happened for a reason, because that’s what my body needed.  I went through 2 blenders in as many days – nothing can really measure up to my Ninja.  I looooooooove it so much <3 <3 <3

 

Mood, well, mood!  It’s been lovely!  Yesterday, I was a little bit irritable for a short period of time.  I had forgotten my coffee, though, and that makes a huge difference.  I’m really giving my all to my relationship with Joth and I feel like it’s making a difference.  I feel happier and more content with life in general, and I feel my mind opening up to possibilities again. I want to read, I want to meditate, I want to make things and do things and meet people and enjoy life.  This is how I felt when I first started doing yoga – why did I ever stop????

 

Work is going well, I keep procrastinating on these W2s that my temp agency needs.  I just don’t have time to wait on hold with the IRS for an hour like I did the first time I requested them.  What a pain in the butt.  Why can’t they do that themselves?  It isn’t my job to verify my employment for them.  At least it shouldn’t be.

 

Brian apologized for Sunday, but I had already emailed FOC.  I don’t know what’s going to happen but I’ll wait to see if they send anything out.  I just get so frustrated when I’m trying to be the best everything I can and feeling like I’m failing at every endeavor.  I want to be a good mom, a good employee, a good friend, a good girlfriend, but the things one requires take away from the energy needed to do the things the other requires and I just don’t have enough to spread around, so then I fall short in every category and everyone’s unhappy.  UGH why am I so worried about what other people think of me anyway? 

 

I am definitely going to do yoga tonight, no doubt about it.  I’m excited for it!  And today is Friday Eve, so that makes me very happy and excited as well.  Joth’s birthday is on Monday so we’re going to hopefully find a babysitter for Tristan so we can go out this weekend to celebrate.  Oh my gosh, I have had to pee so much the past few days.  I have a feeling that this is the amount that most normal people pee every day, but I am a non peeing person, so it feels excessive.  I am about to go for the third time today!  A lot of times, my first time peeing is right before I go home for the day!

 

Tristan’s had some attitude problems lately and I need to figure out how to deal with them.  He’s ungrateful and entitled, and I don’t want to set the stage for him to get into a relationship later in life where he is demanding of his wife and never happy with what she does for him…oh my god.  Like BRIAN was!  Tristan IS a Virgo, like Brian.  That was my biggest problem with him – all the criticizing.  No matter what I did right, I felt like it was never good enough.  I could clean the entire kitchen and he’d focus on how I did the dishes WRONG.  I could vacuum the whole house and he’d mention the spot I missed.  I made him breakfast in bed one morning (blueberry pancakes) and all he said was, “I hate blueberries”.  I made him bacon and he complained that it wasn’t crispy enough.  I do NOT want Tristan to be that way – but I’m letting him get away with it now!  How do I stop this????  If I make him a sandwich and accidentally put mustard, instead of thanking me for making him a sandwich, he’ll complain about the mustard. 

 

Now, appreciation is one of those things that I don’t feel like I get to demand.  I DO model sincere gratitude by thanking him for being ready on time, or bringing me something, or picking up after himself, etc.  I try to show gratitude to everyone so he can see and follow my lead.  Except he doesn’t.  Why is he such a surly, glass half empty kind of kid?  How do I turn this around?  I could force him to SAY he’s grateful, but how do I get him to actually FEEL grateful?  It’s a tricky one.  He’d be much happier if he could experience the blessings he has, if he knew the potential for joy available to him.  It makes me sad that he doesn’t.  Especially considering how much worse his life could BE if he had to still be at his Dad’s!

Okay, so post-script...I just did yoga.  It was amazing.  I feel happy, but at the same time, I feel really lonely and sad.  This happens a lot when I get approach the feeling of oneness, when my illusions start to fall away along with the separating distinctions.  Borders blur, barriers melt, distance ceases to exist.  You would think that feeling one with everything would make me feel happy, and in a way, it does.  But at the same time, it also makes me feel like I'm just part of one big thing.  And there are no other big things.  It's just me, and I'm alone.

I don't mean that in an egotistical sense.  I mean that as if I were a cell who awakens to the knowledge that I am just part of one body, one consciousness, one individual.  But at the same time that my body has one consciousness, don't all of the cells making UP my body have individual consciousness as well?  And doesn't the universe as a whole have a single consciousness?  So what does that mean about my individuality, or the individuality the parts of which I am composed?  I am going to give myself a headache.  All I can say is that I feel an unquenchable loneliness.

I had one of those dreams again.  I repetitively dream about Peace Fest, and I don't understand why.  I also used to repetitively dream about losing an important person -- not that they would die, but they would just suddenly be gone.  I would search for them and call their name, but I just knew that I would never find them.  Also, there is a sense of time running out when I am searching because I know that I'm about to wake up.  This person, a best friend or a boyfriend or whatever, will be there in the dream with me by my side and I'll feel so happy.  Ecstatic.  Like I'm finally complete.  But then they're gone.  

I thought that I had only felt that because I was searching in this lifetime for that feeling that I had never experienced in the real world until I met Joth.  And in truth, I DID feel like that with Joth -- like I was finally complete.  Like we were whole.  I was home.  I had only felt that before in those bittersweet dreams, except that this time I thought I wouldn't experience what follows -- the disappearance.  Two nights ago, though, I dreamed that we had to hide.  We were going to Peace Fest, but people were after us.  It was like we were on the underground railroad escaping slavery -- we had to not get caught.  

Anyway, we got caught by a group of "bad guys" and I befriended one of our captors.  I sought to understand how he had gone to the "dark side" and what made him want to live his life this way.  I felt sad for him, I felt compassion for him.  I wanted to restore his optimism.  I wanted to save him, I guess, for lack of a better term.  I felt like I was making progress.  He was softening and beginning to see that kindness was the way, and his choices were hurting people.  He seemed like he was starting to remember who he used to be.  Then he disappeared.   

Then today, I went upstairs to do yoga.  I was sitting on my mat browsing Facebook and I saw that Shy had posted that she was going to Florida.  I can't explain why because it's not like we hang out a lot, or that I am a very good friend.  I am always cancelling my plans with her or whatever.  If I really cared about hanging out with her that much, I'd have done it.  But when I saw that she was leaving without even having said anything, I felt like the one shred of familiarity I had was disappearing with her.  I realized that there is no one (other than Joth) that I can just call up or hang out with and be myself.  No one that I would be as comfortable with, no one who understood me, no one that vibed on my level.  And I got super sad.  

I thought about it and realized we don't really vibe on the same level anyway, and that this would be a good opportunity to make new friends.  Nothing I could say would explain the feeling I had.  Maybe it wasn't that I was losing anything, but that it made me realize that I am not close to anyone.  I don't really have friends, not like I want to, and I felt really empty and alone and invisible.  I would really like to have a friend that I could sit and watch movies with, buy crystals with, camp and go to festivals with or whatever besties do.  I mean, I probably wouldn't do the normal bestie stuff because I don't really care about shopping or getting my nails done or whatever.  But I feel like I did in that dream.  

That's not to say that my  relationship with Joth isn't fulfilling, because it is.  I am so in love with him still, more than ever.  I love our relationship and I'm excited about our life together.  It's just this feeling of oneness that makes me crave otherness.  We mesh so well and we function so perfectly together that it's easy to forget myself and himself and morph into the Ourself.  Which is nice, it's a good feeling to have someone complement me so perfectly and vice versa that we exist in such a cohesive way that we forget where I end and he begins.  

And maybe it isn't this, or that, or Shyloh, or the dream, but maybe it's just that feeling that descends upon me every now and then that nothing exists but me.  I don't mean that in an egotistical way, more like what I said before about the styrofoam buffet.  It was exciting when it looked like there was cheesecake, cranberry sauce, pudding, stuffing, celery, potatoes, and a million different things.  It looked fun.  But when I realized everything was made of the same thing, it all suddenly seemed pointless.  Or confusing.  Why am I here, then?  Why would I do this or that when it's all the same thing?  Why have relationships when we're all the same anyway?  What is the purpose?  What does it do?  What is it for?  

I know  that sounds like depression, but this sometimes happens when I start to see the bigger picture.  It makes everything that I thought was important seem small and insignificant, but if none of  this matters, then why do any of it at all?  When you see in the grand scheme of things that our individual lives amount to little more than the blink of a cosmic eye, then how can you continue to take it seriously?  How can you force yourself to do your silly little human  things and wear your human clothes and say the right human things and follow the silly human rules when you understand that none of it even matters?

I was watching this discovery channel thing a while ago that had me thinking.  These hermit crabs were fighting over a shell.  To them, it was a huge deal.  To us, do we even think about hermit crabs on a regular basis?  Does it seem like it matters who gets the shell?  It doesn't matter.  None of it matters.