Gotu Kola

I’m learning some super important lessons lately.  At first, my motivation to change was to improve my relationship.  I needed to figure out what to do to make him want to stay, and in my determination, found the motivation and strength I needed to push past my old patterns and stay conscious of my actions.  But over time, this has evolved.  The goal isn’t to make anyone stay anywhere.  The goal is to keep myself where I’m supposed to be, and let the rest of the chips fall where they may.  If I hold myself to the highest standard of utmost integrity and conduct beyond reproach, no matter what happens in the external, I have won.  Period. 

This battle isn’t about convincing anyone of anything, or demonstrating my worth or dedication, figuring out how to be good enough.  I read this quote the other day – actually, Bim wrote it.  He said something about how we haven’t all been dealt the same deck, and that we should worry more about playing our hand well than how someone else is playing theirs.  I am accountable for me, and as long as I’m doing my best (which I am), whatever is meant to happen will follow from there. 

Make no mistake, I love Joth with all my heart.  I don’t imagine that I would ever feel quite the same way about anyone, not in this way.  That isn’t to say that I couldn’t have another relationship, and maybe even a happy one.  This is the relationship to precipitate change, the catalyst for expansion.  I do hope we’re meant to stay together.  But I need to stop resisting so hard the idea that “what if we’re not”?  I need to be comfortable with all possibilities, and stop living my life in fear of an outcome that I dread, changing myself and compromising who I am to try to manufacture the desired outcome. 

I vow to choose him or leave if I find that I no longer can.  I vow to give him the best I have to give every day.  I vow to never give up on the mission of improvement, and to get myself back up every single time I fall and try again.  From there, it’s up to him to choose what he wants, and I also vow not to stand in the way of whatever decisions he feels are right for his soul path.  A person can only do so much.  And why would I want that, why would I sentence someone I truly love to a lifetime with me if that wasn’t bringing them joy? 

I feel at peace.  I feel calm.  I have been taking the gotu kola this week, which I can definitely feel.  I’ll attach an article about it which I definitely relate to.  I haven’t done yoga yet, but my sleep schedule has been messed up and Shyloh came over and we stuffed ourselves with pizza last night so now it’s Thursday and I’m writing a run on sentence about how I’m going to do yoga tonight and if I do today, tomorrow, and Saturday, I can still make three days this week which isn’t bad because last week I did four and the week before that I did five so next week I could go back up to four then five then six and then I can stay at six.  WHEW.  LOL

Sticking with the smoothies, obviously.  I started adding limes because Joth’s mom gave us like a thousand.  They taste really good, and are apparently good for your skin.  The kids are on winter break next week, so they’ll get to hang out with Joth.  I am thinking about taking a day or two off to get the house clean, but it’s unpaid so probably just one.  My boss said it would be a good time to do it, since so many people are out on holiday so there isn’t much work to do.  I was going to type more but Tom (my co-worker who sits beside me) asked me if I was typing the Gettysburg Address and I suppose that I should get back to work.  Toodles!

http://www.consciouslifestylemag.com/gotu-kola-benefits-of-the-herb-of-enlightenment/