Well, it looks like we're back to song lyrics, at least for the moment. I love how I got all motivated and made this plan to make a daily template and completely dropped it. Par for the course.
I thought it wasn't mania, I thought it was something closer to enlightenment. As the days went by and the euphoria lasted, I really thought I figured it out this time. I thought the yoga was fixing all of my problems and magically I had transcended bipolar. Ha.
Pretty soon, the hypersexuality started, and that was a clue to me. I thought maybe it was stimulated by the eleuthero root I had been adding to my smoothies, and maybe it was. However, it was a familiar feeling and when I recalled the other times it had beset me, I remembered where it had taken me and I did wonder for a moment whether I should be worried. Caught up in the throes of a powerful episode like this, I have been known to follow my insatiable lust indiscriminately. I have hurt others and myself, because in the end, I was just as unsatisfied as before but I had lost a lot on the way.
That's the thing about hypersexuality. You crave it. You need it. Your brain is hijacked with this unrelenting NEED and you can't rest until you fill it. I have chased this dragon before. But I learned -- even filling it does not satisfy it. A few different outcomes can happen. You can end up having bad sex, which honestly is the usual. The reality doesn't live up to the overhyped expectation of your fiendish mind and you're let down. On the other hand, rarely you end up having great sex. This isn't satisfying either, because it's so good you want more. The more you have, the more you want. It isn't like pie where you get full, or sick of it. Good sex is like crack. The problem is, though, people are people. Humans with emotions, not pleasure dispensers. It is unfair to expect a person to continue to fill that need without things getting muddled with feelings or attachment. Then things get awkward.
This doesn't apply to me now, because I'm in a committed relationship and I'm not straying. I already know there is no point, because statistically the odds are that it would be less satisfying than what I already have and it would hurt the relationship I have with him for no long term benefit. It's a lose/lose. But the frustration...oh my god, I was beside myself. I mean, it was so bad that I was looking at a word that I had written and I noticed that the letter W (not like the typed one, because I use rounded ends, not points) looked like a pair of breasts and it looked sexy. Yeah, I am not kidding. The letter W made me horny. True story. Then, there were the dreams. I've been having dreams where I orgasm in my sleep. In my waking life, I'm constantly precipitously close to the edge and all it takes is about ten seconds...but the relief only lasts minutes.
A lot of people think nymphomania, which is just a longer term version of hypersexuality, is hot and sexy. Not so, my friend. Let me tell you that there is no satisfaction to be found, and the maddening desire to find it leads to many bad places. I'm not going to those places, but I AM going half out of my mind.
I thought it would be fun to explore something kinky with Joth. He was a part of the fetish scene in AZ, and that's definitely something I could get down with. I need an outlet for all of this sexual energy. I'd rather he be a part of it so we can use it to the benefit of our relationship. I've thought about asking him about having an open relationship, but I don't know if we're at a place yet where we could handle that. Not necessarily because of trust or jealousy, but because we need to figure out how to deal with the issues we already have before we attempt to navigate such tricky waters.
Anyway, this entry wasn't supposed to be all about sex. I was actually trying to segue into current mood situation. Anyway, it definitely was mania because it started to turn on me yesterday. You know, the fear, the paranoia. It isn't that I'm actually afraid of anything specific, it's just that the high levels of dopamine put me into fight or flight and my adrenaline is running high. I woke up in the middle of the night terrified, gasping as I often do when I'm very manic. When I get to this part, Joth and I tend to have problems.
I babysat my sister's boys last night, and when I got home this morning, the door was locked. I almost lost my mind. I know, stupid, right? But every little thing goes instantly to emergency status until I've convinced myself of a worst case scenario doomsday story and I think everyone is a zombie trying to eat my brain. Anyway, I tried to keep myself collected. I did better than I did before, but SHIT why do we have to argue EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND?
I was really optimistic about things, I've been trying really hard for the past two weeks and I really thought we were going to be awesome again like we used to. Then, like clockwork, Saturday, argument. I got so frustrated. I don't know what else to do. I'm pouring my heart and soul into this and it feels like it's getting better for a minute then BAM! I'm blindsided by bad.
I don't want to give up hope, and I really thought we had something magical. He seems to agree with me less and less about that, though, and it makes me wonder if he stopped feeling that way for good. If it's too late. When I said forever, he said it back just as emphatically. When I said soulmates, he agreed wholeheartedly. Now, when I say we're going to make it, he shrugs and says "I guess maybe we might" etc.
Something feels like it's gone and I worry about it ever coming back. Maybe our moment has passed. Maybe I was wrong to think this could be saved. Maybe I'm chasing something that doesn't exist anymore -- maybe it's like those dreams. The passion, the connection, the fierce dedication -- I felt them all, and abruptly I didn't. And now I'm searching and searching but I just know, like I do in the dream, that my search will be fruitless.
I'm not ready to accept that yet. I bet everything on this. I planned on this. I am stubbornly throwing myself on the altar of love and pouring my blood, sweat, and tears into making this work. But is that what he wants, or am I wasting my time?
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