Tuesday

DAY 2.  What I meant to do yesterday before getting carried away was a template.  Even if I don’t have time to blog, I’m going to update this every day just so I can keep track of things.  I feel my mood elevating, but not in an uncomfortable way.  It feels more like my vibration is rising rather than being yanked into mania.  Don’t get me wrong, that can be fun and pleasurable too – but that’s more of a jarring whirlwind.  This feels like a smooth ascension.  

I really feel like getting back to yoga unlocked a lot of my tangled emotions.  I wouldn’t even say that it’s actually the physical practice of yoga – it’s only been two days – but more the overcoming of the mental block that kept me from doing it for so long.  That was really stressing me out, and it affected my sense of self worth, my mood, all kinds of things.  Don’t ask me why I couldn’t do it.  I don’t have an answer for that.  It could have been anything from lack of motivation, procrastination, stress, laziness, etc.  But I go through all of those things all the time, and did even when I regularly did yoga.  So it’s kind of a mystery to me what really happened.  

I know that in the past, when I have been doing good things for myself, I have stopped upon entering a relationship.  My energy sometimes no longer meshes with the things I used to do and I can’t even make them happen anymore if I want to.  Like when I was kind of seeing Noe and trying to be in the sister circle at the same time.  Those two energies for some reason could not coexist in my life.  I was energetically blocked from participating in things that were above my level.  It’s like this dream I had once, it was a long time ago but I remember it vividly.  It was a semi-lucid dream.  By that, I mean that I was aware that I was dreaming and I had SOME control, yet other things happened which I could not control.  I was in a friend’s yard and we were drinking beer.  I was dating Andrew at the time.  I realized that I was dreaming and decided to fly, since that’s what I do 99% of the time that I realize I’m dreaming.  But when I tried to fly, I couldn’t lift off of the ground.  Frustrated, I kept trying.  I wondered why it wasn’t working and I realized that things in life were weighing me down, and I had to release them before I could fly.  

Well, I had a lot weighing me down for the last few months and I think it’s been keeping me grounded (and not in a good way).  What changed?  I think I just got to a point where I was tired of being unhappy.  I reached my limit, I had enough, and decided to overcome everything and take charge of my life.  It totally is a choice.  No one controls my feelings but ME.  Ha.

 

Yeah, so more on the Brian thing…where do I start.  Okay, so first, Friday night we were supposed to meet in Plainwell at 6 but when Joth went out to check the tire to see if it needed air, there were wires sticking out and it wasn’t safe to drive that far.  Now, it takes 45 minutes for me to get to Plainwell and I KNOW it takes less time for Brian.  So, I gave him a heads up and offered him several options – we could meet later, he could wait, or I would give him gas money to meet us at Walmart.  He got huffy and told me to just pick her up in the morning.  He didn’t tell me a time.  I planned to get her on our way to my grandma’s, which I was shooting to arrive at by 1.  Later, Jewel asked me what time I’d be there and I specifically said I couldn’t give her an exact time but that I was SHOOTING FOR TEN.  At that point, if there was some requirement that I be there by a certain time, someone should have told me.  Brian texted me asking when she should be ready and I never replied.  Again, he could have said something if he needed me to be there by a specific time.  I don’t like giving exact times.  I can’t work with a rigid schedule with too many variables, and if you don’t have an agreed upon time, you can’t be late.  If I had said 10, he’d have taken that as set in stone ironclad and he’d have been blowing my phone up at 10:01.  Annnnnywayyyy, I texted Jewel when we were leaving to get her and it was almost ten.  Then we were video chatting and Brian was yelling in the background about how he has plans, and he’ll take Jewel to my grandparents’ house himself, and he needed me there by 11.  INFORMATION THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH MORE USEFUL YEEEEEEEEEEEESTERDAYYYYYYYYY!  So I said I wasn’t arguing about it and I hung up.  Sunday night, I was heading to bring her to the usual place at the usual time – Sundays, in Plainwell, at 5 because Austin has to be home by 6.  I never asked to deviate from the plan.  He never asked me to either.  Literally nothing at all was said about doing anything different than what we always do, yet he assumed that I’d be dropping her off on the way home from my grandparents’ because it would have been easier.  It would have, except we left there by 11 and I knew he’d have a hairy canary if I dropped her off early.  He had plans, remember?  Why would I assume he’d be home?  Anyway, I didn’t have her Friday night, and I can just imagine what he’d have to say about me dropping her off early and not wanting to spend time with her or whatever.  I didn’t want to risk his irritation, so I made what I thought was the safest choice – stick with the plan.

 

He texted me while I was enroute to Plainwell asking what time she was getting dropped off.  I told him I was going to Plainwell and I needed to be heading back home by 5:15 to get Austin home on time.  He started being a raging DICK, trying to command me to drop her off.  Nope, uh-uh.  You may have primary custody, but you are NOT Lord King of Everything.  I do not bow to your will.  I do not acquiesce to your decree.  To put it more simply, YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.  Nyah, nyah.  So anyway, he told me he was calling his lawyer and from now on he is going to make me drive to him for pickup AND dropoff.  Hahahaha, I wish he would.  They won’t order that, and he doesn’t get to change our agreement without my consent.  So many times in the past when he has tried to strong arm me and control my relationship with Jewel, I have given in.  When he has overstepped his boundaries and denied me parenting time unrightfully, I never did anything.  But this is NOT the old Christine.  THIS Christine takes no shit from anyone.  He can fuck off.  I’M sending a letter to FOC today.  ME.  Yeah, we WILL go to court, motherfucker!  *whew*  Okay, got a little fired up there.  Anyway.

 

So anyway, here is the template I’m thinking of starting:

 

Date:

Supplements/Vitamins:

Smoothie:

Other food:

Exercise:

Mood:

Sleep:

 

And also, I ordered some more herbs for smoothies!  They are supposed to be good for mood, cognition, and focus.  I’m back to my previous determination of treating my bipolar and ADD herbally.  I’m not giving up, it can be done – for every disease, there is a cure found in nature.  What synthetic man made concoction could rival nature’s perfect balance?  I trust the universe more than I trust people.  Except, hmmmm, people are OF the universe and made from the same stuff.  But, we are manifestations of the limitless.  Okay well I'm home from work now and I'm not really thinking about that anymore.

The herbs I ordered are astragalus root, schisandra berries, eleuthero root,  and gotu kola.  They are all supposed to be good for cognition, energy, and mood.  At least three of them are adaptogens.  I had to throw away my maca because it was affecting me adversely, but I was sad because it has so many wonderful benefits.  I'm excited to try these new ones out and see how they work.

My muscles hurt soooooooooo baddddddddddddd, but today is day 3 and I don't have a rest day until Saturday so I'm getting my booty back upstairs to do yoga no matter what.  First, I'm going to eat some food then help Tristan with his division homework.  Later!