Happy Halloween/Samhain. This is the pagan new year and my all time favorite holiday -- but I'm just not feeling it. When I compare how different things are in my life to the way they were last year, I must admit that they are startlingly different. In most categories of life, things have drastically improved. But in one, shit's gone downhill so fast, and I don't know anymore if I can or even WANT to fix it anymore.
I know that every time I blog, I'm going on about how wonderful Joth is. And it's true, when things are good, they're genuinely amazing. When things are good, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. When things are bad, though, I just don't know if I can even do it anymore. I'm not saying I don't contribute. I am painfully aware of the mistakes I make and the pain I cause. I am actively involved in identifying and resolving these things, tirelessly, investigating and analyzing in desperation for a solution. I want peace. I know that I'm flawed and that I don't always respond in healthy ways. I am committed to being my best.
I have come to the conclusion, though, that unless he does the same, we are doomed. If he refuses to acknowledge the pain he causes, to recognize the mistakes he makes, to accept responsibility for his part in our utter failure to communicate effectively...well, we're just going to be spinning our wheels. I feel like he creates drama and judges me for reacting to it. Not only that, but there is such a double standard and hypocrisy. When he does something that I've been criticized for doing, he has a justification for why it's okay for him. He even says that he believes people should follow their own rules, but he doesn't follow his. In a conflict, he becomes so focused on picking apart my words, the way I said them, my bodily stance, finding errors, seeking out flaws. But then he'll turn around and do the exact things he just criticized me for. If I dare call him out on it, he'll have an excuse. There's always an excuse, it's always my fault. He behaved that way because I MADE him behave that way, but if I'm a little blue because we didn't cuddle last night, he makes sure to point out that nothing external is responsible for my feelings.
Right. Then, according to your OWN logic, I'm not responsible for YOURS EITHER. I feel so done. He resorts to childish behaviors like covering his ears when I'm talking, so I responded with equally childish behavior of refusing to speak to him. He says I'm yelling when I speak in an angry voice, barely elevated, yet he started the entire argument at that exact tone himself. This relationship is fundamentally flawed. I honestly don't know if there's any hope for us. That would require compromise, humility, acknowledgment of mistakes, apologies, communication. The scales are very unevenly balanced in all of those categories. I am completely aware that I have more issues and when I lose my cool, I take things places I shouldn't. But knowing that I am sensitive, unbalanced, and especially vulnerable you would think he would be more gentle. Instead, it's like he uses that knowledge against me and purposely pokes me, intentionally escalating situations to a point where he knows I'll lose control. Just so he can judge and criticize me for losing control. And be the victim, and blame me for every mistake he makes for two weeks after that because I hurt him so much.
And maybe he doesn't owe me anything. I know that. It's my job to stay calm, it's my job not to engage in drama or heated arguments, I'm the one who gets to choose how I behave. I'll even venture as far as to say this is all my fault. Fine. But the bottom line is, I'm not happy, and if on my own I am unable to resolve the issue in this relationship, I see no other alternative than to leave it. As of this moment, I feel completely indifferent about that. The only thing that makes me sad about it is the kids. Tristan and Austin are playing right next to me, talking about being brothers and being a team. This is the only family Tristan knows, and I don't want to further damage him by taking it away from him. His dad already voluntarily walked out of his life, he still misses his ex stepbrother Josh even though Dwight and I divorced five years ago, and I just really don't want to mess him up anymore. I don't know what to do.
On other topics, my new job is going really well. I like the people I work with, I get out right after Tristan gets out, the day goes super quickly and the work is pretty enjoyable. There's enough variety to keep me from falling into a numbing dreary routine, but it's easy enough to keep me free of stress. I'm going to save for a new car, since it wouldn't be worth fixing the one I have. It has 250,000 miles on it so even if I fixed it, I don't think it'll last much longer. I'm going to have my sister help me save money to do that.
Shyloh is coming back from the Willow Ranch next weekend, and I'm super excited to have a friend in the area. Sometimes I feel like a change of scenery would do me a lot of good. I need to spend time with friends. I need to seek emotional sustenance from more than just one source. I can't depend entirely on Joth for the fulfillment of my emotional needs because otherwise I'm devastated when they aren't being met. I shouldn't have that expectation of anyone. But I need to feel closeness and connection, even being the introvert that I am.
That's why it's so hard on me in the first place if we don't snuggle at night. That's how I recharge that part of me. I don't get a lot of that during the day, especially now that I'm working. I need to be touched, tenderness, connection, closeness. I need to be held and to feel cherished. So it might not seem like a big deal if you sleep in a separate blanket all night and my skin never makes contact with yours, but to me it's everything. And again, you have the right to make your own decisions and you don't owe me anything. You don't have to touch me. But don't you dare judge me for being sad. Especially when you expect not to be judged for having your own emotions.
I guess we're going trick or treating tonight, but it's supposed to rain. There's also a party that Joth and I were invited to but we have all of the kids and I don't know if Jewel can handle watching both boys by herself. I probably won't go. *sigh* I need to take my supplements and then I'm going to try to do my ayurveda. Peace out.
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