Helllllloooooooooo. I'm not sure how to start out, or even exactly what I want to talk about, so I guess I'll just jump right in.
Tristan is doing his nightly reading and Joth is playing video games or something in the bedroom, I don't know. I decided to take some time to blog while everyone else is otherwise occupied.
It's a week from the new moon, and I'm getting ready to plant some intentions again. This moon cycle has been frustrating in a lot of ways. Yes, mercury is in retrograde right now and yes, I fully recognize that that only means what I decide that it means. To an extent. Astrological weather is a lot like actual weather -- yes, it exists, and yes, it influences things...but nothing controls us but ourselves in the end. There are many factors which contribute to my overall state of mind right now. But let's talk about good things.
I have started using this app called Conscious, which gives you an assignment every day. Sometimes there is an accompanying video or picture, and there's also a little journal where you can jot down your thoughts about the day's assignment. Today's is to pay attention to the different sounds around you. Also, I've gotten back into my school routine since the computer is set up. I did my hypno module today, and Thursday I'll do ayurveda. Today's hypno homework was to write an amnesia script, and it was pretty easy but also very confusing. Anyway, I'm almost done with that, yay! Joth and I are going to this class at the health food store tomorrow about making herbal remedies. It's a free class and we will learn how to make salves, and we get a free salve to bring home. I'm super excited to get out of the house and do something. I think we both need it.
I need friends. Shy is still in South Haven and I don't know anyone else around here very well. I am hoping that doing these classes will help me meet other like-minded people. Also, Joth and I were talking about starting a meetup group at some point when we get things moving with our private practice. We have some really awesome ideas and I'm really excited about it. We're going to design some business cards and narrow down a few details. He also has homework that needs to be finished up, so I'm going to help him with that.
He got a phone call today about a chiropractor that may be looking for a massage therapist, which is an awesome opportunity for him. I, on the other hand, keep striking out when it comes to the job search and I don
TIME PASSES
Okay, now it's Thursday. I think I started that yesterday or Tuesday, I don't know. I already forgot. Anyway, after the last portion of an entry I got a phone call from the temp agency confirming that I did not get the job that I just interviewed for. I felt really good about that job, too, and I'm super bummed. She said that they really liked me, but they don't have space to train the replacement for the girl who is leaving in December. At that time, they will be hiring, but I am hoping to be employed by then. So discouraging.
Last night, Joth and I went to a class at the health food store. It was AWESOME! We learned how to make an herbal salve and got a free one. It was just a simple one with comfrey, calendula, and plantain in grapeseed oil with a little beeswax to hold it together. You can add essential oils at the end, which I will probably do. We also learned how to make tinctures, encapsulate herbs, AND how to make elderberry syrup. I am super excited to do all of these things! I have heard that elderberries are fantastic for fighting colds and the flu. My goal is to make this for my family so that we can all stay healthy this winter. Not just health, but vibrance. Vitality. I don't just want to be surviving, I want us to be thriving.
On an emotional level, it looks like that's going to be more of a challenge than I anticipated. So many things are going so well right now in my life, and I'm so grateful for that. I am in the best relationship I've ever had in my life with a loving, conscious, supportive, emotionally healthy person who has my back 1000% and is committed to me, and to us. My son is doing great in school, better than I ever even dared to hope that he would do. People thought he couldn't change, but I always believed in him. I don't believe any of us are doomed. I never gave up, and he is positively flourishing right before my eyes. I'm so happy for him. He has friends, a fourth grade version of a girlfriend, does his homework, loves his teachers, pays attention in class, scores well on his tests, and doesn't dread each day. This is so much progress.
On the down side, though, I'm getting depressed. I can't get anywhere without optimism, and I can't be optimistic with cold and dreary weather. I don't care how much caffeine I consume, how many funny movies I watch, or how much upbeat music I listen to. My time is running out, and if I don't get myself back on track soon, I'll drown. The first deposit for Tristan's field trip is due next month, my car insurance is due in a couple of weeks, my roots are showing and I have split ends, we are running out of gas, and now there's a problem with Joth's transmission. Don't even MENTION the holidays just around the corner.
I am glad that I am not going hungry. I did get food stamps and I'm thankful that I can at least feed my family. I'm happy that I don't have to lose sleep over worrying about being evicted, the power being turned off, or the heat getting cut. But I just feel like such a BUM. I am not contributing, I feel like I'm just using and taking and living off the system like some useless lazy leech. I didn't want to end up back in this place. I wanted to be proud of myself, for others to be proud OF me. I feel like a disgrace to myself and my family. I feel shame and failure. Why can't I ever seem to get it right. Why can't I just be successful and stable and get my shit together like everyone else seems to be able to do effortlessly? Why is it so hard for ME?
On another topic, and probably the final one, I came to a realization today which was cemented by a post that I saw on a friend's wall on Facebook. I was feeling angry at the situation, the fact that I've applied for all of these jobs and have gone to all of these interviews but have continued striking out. In the meantime, Joth has a consultation with some guy who calls him out of the blue to let him know that his chiropractor is in need of a massage therapist. It just FELL into his LAP. I was feeling resentful and jealous. It isn't fair. I strive and try and work and chase and beg for opportunities and they continue to elude me. Why should it be so easy for him? Haven't I earned that? Don't I deserve it?
Anyway, so I got a little overbearing about trying to push him to call the chiropractor. I thought that's what he wanted. I thought that would make him feel happy and fulfilled. I had the best of intentions. Yoga makes me feel happy and fulfilled, but for some reason, I struggle to get on the mat. I appreciate a push every now and then, a nudge in the right direction, a fire lit under my ass. Joth got irritated with me and I realized it isn't my life, I'm not his mother, and it isn't my job to motivate him. It's not like getting math homework done or finishing your science project. It's his choice, his life, not my responsibility. As a mom, sometimes it's difficult for me to not act like a mom toward everyone in my life and I know that their lives are not mine to live. I thought I was being supportive, as I'm sure my own mother has thought when she was unbearably controlling.
So I applied that to myself and realized that what I AM responsible for is my OWN life. Why am I waiting for someone to motivate me? If I want to get on the fucking mat, it's me and no one else who will get me there. I can make that choice any time, and if I don't, I have only myself to blame. Why am I just letting my life pass me by, waiting for someone or something to inspire me to take action? It's on me now. To supplement that idea, I saw a post from a friend which said:
I've seen many people on facebook have problems, and have often been fortunate enough to have everything running smoothly. I often wish there was something I can do to help, but ultimately know that somethings you just have to figure out for yourself. Then I think, all you need to do is get to the root of the problem, correct that, and the rest will fall into place.
In mathematics, the root is often the smallest whole number that the number can be divided into. It's kind of a short hand, therefore you think that the root of a problem is the simplest solution that a person chooses to avoid.
The truth is that it's not simple... If it were, no one would ever have any problems. It requires friendship, and support. Often this is counselling. Though the perfectly acceptable reaction (because everyone has problems of their own) is to 'officially be out of fux to give'. When you're not face to face with it, you think 'how can anyone be so heartless', but here's the thing; it's not as simple as a visit to the doctor office - fill out this form, wait, answer questions, and things get better. It is a social exchange, and someone who is hurting, lost, and confused is going to find it relieving to have someone else trying to figure out this thing they can't/won't do for themselves. This explains why people use the superlative 'fuk' to describe what they are not willing to do. Because the act itself is a practice of two people doing something that they could very well do themselves. Only, in this case, the biological reaction is not a mutual exchange. Rather, it is someone who wants support so that they can stop acting weird. The conclusion of this exchange is in most cases, that they can solve it themselves, and the effort involved in helping them come to this eventuality feels wasted and unappreciated.So you find that it's like a stubborn splinter, you just leave it alone and it will work itself out.
Oh, and on a final note, I'm definitely participating in NaNoWriMo. I think it will give me a sense of purpose, a feeling like I am accomplishing something. I can't die without having written anything when it's so clearly what I came here to do. :)
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