I was going to write about Green Tara today, but when I googled "Green Tara" to get a picture, I found that I had already done so last August. I wonder how much of the same stuff is repeated throughout these posts.
Well anyway, I'm listening to the Green Tara mantra and drinking some coffee. It's a gloomy day today, and I am feeling a little blue in some ways. However, good things are happening all around and it's easy to find positivity wherever I look, so I'm focusing on that. It isn't necessarily a negative focus, I'm not unhappy or dissatisfied. I'm just cranky, and there's a difference. My period will be here soon, and while I wish that were an irrelevant detail, it does play a major part in my mood as of today. I know that I will discover ways to combat the hormonal mood shifts. For right now, though, it is a factor and should be acknowledged.
I had this dream the other night. It was frightening. I have had nightmares before, but 90% of the time they are about being chased by or hiding from some bad guy or monster. I have never had violent dreams -- not to my recollection, anyway. I don't have killing dreams, blood or guts, or anything of the sort. I have had dreams about driving and seeing a person in the road, and not being able to stop in time, then waking up in a panic which dissolves in ecstatic relief upon the the realization that it was only a dream. Even then, though, I don't see any carnage. It's important that I mention this because the dream I had the other night was awful in and of itself, but it was especially terrible when you take into consideration that it was the first of its kind.
Tristan, Joth, and I were in this house. Tristan was afraid of it but Joth absolutely trusted it. He was demonstrating to Tristan that there was nothing to be afraid of and that everything would be okay, and you could tell that he totally believed it. Then he stepped through this doorway and was gruesomely shredded to bloody bits with razor blades and chainsaws and axes and god knows what else. I woke up in fear. After that, I laid in bed for a while feeling horrified and confused. What the HELL? Why would I dream that? One could argue that maybe I've been watching too many horror movies. But I've been watching horror movies since before an age that it should actually have been allowed. I have never had a dream like this.
As I mentioned, I am feeling very volatile right now. Please understand that I am not trying to use this as a cop out, or as a way to refuse responsibility for my actions, or to excuse bad behavior. I need to be nice, period. Sometimes it is harder for me, but that should be no one else's problem but my own. Under no circumstances is it appropriate or okay for someone else to suffer because of my emotional limitations. I'm just still trying to figure out how to safely navigate the waters of PMDD, or more appropriately, PME since I have the preexisting condition of bipolar disorder.
Things have been difficult for Joth lately. I haven't blogged much about it, because in all honesty, I'm not really the one impacted by it. I feel the wretched awfulness pass through me and it ejects itself like so much projectile vitriol all over anyone in close proximity. But then, it is done for me. As quickly as the onset, it is released and forgotten.
This would normally be healthy, except that the method of release is to pass it like a virus to an unsuspecting loved one. It's like a hot potato. As soon as I pass it to someone else, I feel better. The problem is, though, the person I pass it to holds on to it and it continues to burn him for days -- long after I've forgotten.
There are times that I handle this better than others. Some days, I win the battle. Other days, though, I say things which I come to regret. One of the most important things I have learned is that one needs to cultivate that space between impulse and action. This pause is a game changer. This space saves lives. I cannot overemphasize how essential it is to maintain that. When I feel strong, I can remember, and I spare everyone a lot of heartache. When I am not balanced, though, I seem to forget. I leave a lot of casualties in the wake of my negligence.
But seriously, though, enough self-flagellation. Heaping piles of stinking shame upon myself isn't going to accomplish anything. Continually berating myself for my failures is focusing on the thing that I don't want, which will have the opposite of the desired effect. I'm not saying that it should be ignored. Burning myself at the stake for it will not absolve the other of their pain. A sincere commitment to change is the only appropriate response in this scenario. It's harder when you know that it will probably happen again.
It feels like an exercise in futility to, with a clear mind, make decisions for your future self knowing that you will not have the same clear mindedness when the situation presents itself. It's like just finishing Thanksgiving dinner and, feeling satiated, promising that I will stick to my diet on Christmas. It is easy to promise now, with a full stomach. But what if, on Christmas day, I have not eaten for three days and I am confronted by a buffet laden with my favorite foods? How can I make my pledge iron-clad, resistant to any and all obstacles and temptations?
And really, I'm going to say it here because it's what I feel and that's what my blog is for, the things I say are not that bad. Joth happens to be extremely sensitive, and also unusually intuitive/perceptive. He can read it on my face if something is amiss. He can practically read my mind and know what is bothering me, even if I deny it. Sometimes, then, it comes out and gets blown into gigantic proportions. His perspective is valid. I don't get to decide that something I said or did didn't hurt him. It's just that it seems like sometimes anything can hurt him.
I shouldn't feel like a villain because I stressed the wrong syllable and that hurt him. Or I smiled the wrong smile and that hurt him. Even when I am conscious and careful, it seems like there is always something I have done which has hurt him, and then I am called to account for my evil misdeeds. It can be discouraging. I give him a million times what anyone else ever got from me, but I feel like it is always bad or wrong or that I'm always messing up. It doesn't even work to be totally silent and not say anything at all, because then my lack of response is also considered an offense. Sometimes I feel like I just can't win.
However, if this is my biggest complaint about him, I should still count myself incredibly lucky. And I do, more than anyone knows -- I definitely do. He isn't a liar, a cheater, and addict, a bore, insensitive, abusive, emotionally unavailable, rude, lazy, bigoted, or condescending. And he doesn't listen to country or watch sports. There's a zillion extra points right there. He's supportive, compassionate, patient, understanding, dedicated, and funny. He's brilliant, creative, and...yes...sensitive. This is also a good thing, and I do need to remember that. It's just that I'm not used to needing to be so careful. It's worth it, though, for all I get in return. It's the least I can do for a person like him. I should be thankful for him and happy to do whatever it takes.
So, here's some good news for today! There are two items. First, Tristan's special ed teacher called today regarding his IEP and school records from his old school. Her concern was that, by law, they have to follow the IEP and that means that he would need to be contained in the special ed room full time. She said that she spoke with Tristan's teacher, though, and he has been doing great in the regular classroom and neither of them feel like he needs the extra time. I agreed. He is proud to be in the regular classroom with other kids his age, and I don't want to take that away from him. We scheduled an IEP meeting for next week so that we can make some changes. He will still have support from her, and she'll keep an eye on him to see if there ever needs to be a behavior plan put in place, but she said that the Tristan she and Ms. Gibbons see is a totally different child from who he appears to have been last year.
This is true. And I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but gloat on Facebook. I am thrilled for Tristan, and this IS primarily about him and his success. This is also a moment of victory and validation for me as a mother, though. And yes, I did resort to going on Facebook and basically saying, "In you FACE!!!" to those who suggested last year that his behavior problems were due to my "lack of discipline". I posted this:
I just got a call from the special ed teacher at Tristan's school. They just got his IEP today and school records from Dorr. She said that I must be very proud because the Tristan she sees is a totally different child than the one she is reading about...we are going to meet next week to change his IEP because it calls for being in the special ed room all day and that doesn't seem to be necessary since he's been in the regular classroom full time and is doing exceedingly well without the additional support.
Furthermore, I'm going to take this opportunity to be unapologetically bratty and say I TOLD YOU SO. Several people thought that Tristan's behavior issues last year were because I didn't "discipline" him -- their idea of discipline being hitting and other forms of pain, shame, and humiliation -- and they took it upon themselves to hurt my child. Then they acted surprised that the violence they modeled to him was adopted by him against his family and peers.
Now that he is no longer exposed to that type of "discipline", he is treating others with the same kindness and respect that I model for him at home. Go figure.
So there's that. Additionally, I had a phone interview with Kellogg's today. While I was writing this blog entry, the recruiter called back to let me know that they wanted to hire me! It is for a temporary assignment which is expected to go to February or March. However, there is the possibility that I might get hired on after that as a permanent employee. It pays $15/hr and is full time. The best part is that it has flexible hours, so as long as I am there between the core hours of 9-3 and work 8 hours each day, my start and end times are up to me. This is amazing news!
I downloaded a wedding planning app, which is extra exciting now that we will actually have income. I'm not sure exactly what date we should shoot for, since neither the fall equinox nor the winter solstice fall on a Saturday next year. Hmmm, maybe Samhain? That could be fun. I'm going to check it out now. More later!
No comments:
Post a Comment