Okay, I'm feeling kind of grouchy today. That's okay. I'm trying to focus on the positive, though -- not by denying that the negative exists, but just by feeding right wolf, so to speak. Shit, I better brush up these grammar skills before I start my novel, right? :) This sloppy habit of writing run-on sentences will not help at all.
What should I even write about? I had some ideas, but I'm trying to hard to FORCE it so nothing I have thought of so far feels right. I have to just relax and let it come to me, but it has to happen within the next couple of weeks. My muse doesn't like being held to a timeline.
I haven't posted an update on Sienna lately. Last month, Mike and Kelli posted a video for the update. Oh my WORD. She was dressed up in two tu-tus (say that five times fast), holding a little microphone, singing "Let it Go" from Frozen. The best part of it all was her FACE. She was getting so into the performance, adding all of this expression for dramatic effect. At two. That child has what it takes to be a star, and instead of that making me envious that I'm not the one to raise her, it makes me proud that I made the right choice so she'd have the parents that could support her talents and nurture her passions. She'll be going places.
I do sometimes wish we had more openness in the adoption, but I recognize that due to my very nature, it just isn't possible. I'm an arms-length kind of person, even with my best friends, so a closer relationship with her parents who are essentially still strangers to me can't be forced. I love them, I trust them, but I can't just suddenly flip on some bonding switch and go have lunch and sleepovers or chat over coffee with them. I don't feel that type of comfort with anyone. Unfortunately, that is a barrier to me having a closer relationship with Sienna, and I hope that as she gets older she doesn't take it as a sign of rejection. She's happy and well-adjusted, and if she ever wants to get to know me better as she gets older, we can adjust things.
I did my ayurveda class work on Thursday, and it feels really good to be back on track. I'm 39% finished with the first quarter. Sighhhhhhh. But hey, once I finish hypno, I can do ayurveda on Tuesdays AND Thursdays so I can finish up more quickly. Joth's mom told him that he can do massages in the library, and I asked if I can do reiki there too and he said that I could. I'm super excited, but of course a little nervous as well.
I also spoke with THREE different recruiters yesterday about 3 jobs that my resume is being submitted for. Two of them are for Kellogg's and the third is a customer service team lead. I don't have any leadership experience, but as Joth pointed out, retention is like customer service times ten. I dealt with all of the customers that a normal CSR would have sent to their supervisor anyway. We were trained to deal with the most difficult situations in the interest of keeping as many customers as we could.
We have family pictures on Monday, and I'm kind of not excited about it. First of all, my roots are showing and my hair looks trashy. Secondly, I asked my mom about whether we should bring Austin or how she wanted to do things, and she said for the main picture she wants just spouses. I mean, to be honest, I don't blame her. I don't exactly have the best track record for relationship stability. The last thing they would want would be to have someone in a family picture that may not remain in my life in the long run. She told me that if Joth and I ever make a lifetime commitment, we can get new pictures taken. This confuses me, though. I imagined that if I brought up the idea of marrying Joth that my parents would scoff at it or think it unwise.
Let's be real, this will be my third marriage. I mean, when I got engaged to Dwight, everyone tried to talk me out of it and said there was no need to get married if we were committed to each other. What difference did a piece of paper make? Why did I feel the need to do that? So now, I'm committed to Joth, we live together, and we HAVEN'T mentioned anything about getting married but he's being excluded from family pictures because we aren't. WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM ME?????
We're kind of fighting right now, but I'm not actually upset with him. It's just a communication issue. I was trying to explain to him how I felt but he kept interjecting and trying to reframe my experience or alter my account of what happened. It's fine if he has a different recollection of what transpired, or if he saw things differently than I did, or had a different experience. That's totally okay. That doesn't mean his version is right and mine is wrong.
Furthermore, I wasn't blaming or accusing or even focusing on any action of his whatsoever. I said this happened, I felt this way. That happened, I felt that way. And he would interrupt and be like, but that DIDN'T happen, and THAT didn't happen, and it was like he was implying that I had no reason at all to feel the way that I did and that I had made up some imaginary scenario in my head which really pissed me off.
I completely recognize that he may not have been aware of the things I was. It happens to me sometimes too. My energy changes, he notices, I am unaware of any change whatsoever in myself. Does it mean it didn't happen? No. I am an empath, which seems lately more a curse than a blessing, and I can't deny any changes in energy however imperceptible he may think they are. However imperceptible they may be even to HIM. But the thing is, that's okay. He didn't DO anything wrong. It isn't his FAULT. The fact that I am sensitive to fluctuations in frequencies is not an attack on anyone. I just wish he could have listened to me and acknowledged my feelings rather than negating them.
Well, I'm going to make some espresso and put it in my coffee. I'm going to finish my smoothie and take some of this True Focus stuff and have a GREAT. FUCKING. DAY. Yeah.
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