Beautiful Disaster

I don't know if the theme for the last few days would be The Tower (Oppression, in the Goddess Tarot deck), due to the incredible destruction of so many thoughts, ideas, and plans...only to be reduced to a crumbled pile of pieces, starting over from the bottom.  Or maybe Death (Transformation) because of the complete ending/obliteration of one way of life and a subsequent rebirth.  

Really, when I think about it, the cards are very similar.  Both herald an ending.  But if we look past the doom and gloom morbid connotations these cards bring to mind, we'll see that they're both altogether positive.  The old MUST be destroyed before the new can be built.  If you have this old crappy house built on a crumbling foundation, and you want to live in a palace, what do you need to do?  Absolute destruction MUST take place before the building of anything new and beautiful can commence.  Beautiful doesn't just happen out of nowhere.  By accident.  It is the destruction of the ugly and the hard work of transformation to sublimate it into something lovely.  Would you appreciate it as much if you didn't fight for it?  If you didn't put your blood, sweat, and tears into building it?  

I've been moving through a lot of things in my life.  And, just like when you get reiki and all the energy flowing through your chakras brings the "gunk" up to the surface which needs to be addressed and released,  the same thing happens in life.  If I'm on the road to a higher path, all the lower vibration things holding me back have to get cleared out.  

When you think about it, it's really marvelous timing that I got the ticket for driving on a suspended license just a half hour after the biggest commission check I've ever had hit my account.  Accident?  Coincidence?  We all know that if it had been even one day later, I likely wouldn't have had the money.  As it was, I was able to get the tickets paid and now my license is clear.  Also, Tristan got suspended twice in a row the very week he came here.  I thought I was going to lose my job because I used up all of my vacation and float time to stay home with him.  Then he had his IEP on Friday, though, and started his Level 2 special ed on Monday (yesterday).  I think all he needed was a smaller classroom and more one on one attention, because his teacher sent a note yesterday which said, "Super awesome day!".  How wonderful!  AND he had a great night at daycare!  Double wonderful!

So, the old things that weren't working had to be fixed, so we could move forward on a clear path.  Also Joth and I are together, and I'd like to say that whatever issue was holding me back has been resolved and we're going to move forward invincible.  But after an amazingly wonderful positive love flowing day yesterday, today I'm back to feeling this weird energy.  I don't like it.  I want to run away from it.  I almost feel angry, like if YOU didn't want me then WHY did you even call me, huh?  You could've just left me ALONE.  Why would you come back just to push me away?  Is it a power trip?  Did YOU have to be the one to reject ME?  

What I always say in these situations is, oh, I'm sure it's all in my head.  But the thing is, it's not.  It never is and I always say it is and it just isn't.  I feel like a yo yo and I hate it.  

...so, right there at that point, Joth called me and we talked and everything was great for the rest of yesterday.  Then today, again, I feel wrong.  I'll talk about that more in a minute.  Yesterday, though, Tristan had an outstanding day!  I had a meeting with my supervisor at work and my numbers are down, so I worked really hard to try to increase revenue everywhere I can.  Ugh.  Hey, you know what I was thinking yesterday?

So, if we are all everything, right?  And we just choose what traits and characteristics to express and which to suppress.  But, like Joth said, no one is any better than Hitler or any worse than Gandhi.  Right.  Like, we all possess the full spectrum of humanity, but we have choices about our actions and what we will indulge.  But I think it's even more than that.  

I think whatever characteristics we choose to portray become stronger.  Being bad gets easier with time because you're working that muscle out, and it gets stronger, and you can become more and more and more "bad" if you keep going down  that path.  And, if you're feeding the "bad" weeds in your garden, over time  they start choking out  the good.  They overrun the patch and the good begin to wither and die.  Which is why some people seem more bad than others -- we all have the same potential.  But if you want to change course, well it isn't as simple as a sudden change in behavior.  

You won't go from sinner to saint on a dime, right?  Because, first of all, maybe your muscles of kindness, empathy, compassion, and forgiveness have atrophied.  And maybe you've bulked up your hatred, ignorance, and judgement to monster steroid proportions.  It takes consistent applied change every day.  Exercise.  Nutrition -- feeding what you want with your energy and attention.  Starving what you don't want.  I have noticed this in my life -- making the wrong choice feels horrible and uncomfortable at first, and some part of you knows it's not aligned with your divine path.  But it gets easier after a while.  And pretty soon you don't even realize how messed up you are.  Your horrible behaviors seem normal.  Then it becomes easier to make the next step up into the next level of horrible.  Which is why it's a slippery slope, we should always honor our intuition and inner guidance about the choices we are making.  If it feels wrong, stop.  That's the best advice I could give my younger self.  If it feels wrong, you don't owe anyone (even yourself!) an explanation as to WHY.  Just Get. The. Fuck. OUT.

Speaking of intuition.  I really don't like the tarot reading I just did.  I'm sorry to say but I really don't think this feeling is all in my head.  Especially when I did a reading about Joth and I and the 7 of swords is in our near future, that never heralds good news.  That's always lies and betrayal.  Keeping secrets.  Being dishonest.  At the foundation is the 3 of cups which to me is multiple women in his life.  And hopes/fears on his side was 7 of cups, which tells me he wants to keep his options open.  Am I too close to  the situation to view this objectively?  I don't know.  I feel like I'm on the brink of either falling or stepping back away from  the edge.  I don't know which to do.  If I fall there's no going back.  I'm not sure whether it's safe to do so.  Maybe I should just turn and run.

Moksha -- Liberation

This is going to be a long entry, I can feel it.  I know I titled an entry last year, sometime after I had Sienna, as "Liberation".  I was watching a documentary last night called Enlighten Up about this guy who takes on a 6 month yoga journey.  He was so convinced that nothing would happen, so adamant that it remain a purely physical practice and so opposed -- almost AFRAID -- of any spiritual element coming into play with his practice, that I think he created a self-fulfilling prophesy and failed to experience the transformative  effects he said he hoped to achieve.  

What he didn't understand, though, is that part of the transformation can't be explained.  You have to be open to the unexplainable for it to be able to work.  You will not have facts, figures, and data explaining the WHY behind the results you get.  I know, because I'm like that too.  I finally got to a point where I say, "I don't understand why, and it doesn't make sense to me, but I'm happy about it and I accept it."  Part of me, though, is SO analytical.  I want to break everything down into logical pieces.  But sometimes, there are pieces we can't see.

They went to Hawaii to meet Norman Allen, a student of Pattabhi Jois -- the grandfather of Ashtanga.  That part was of particular interest to me.  Norman was so down to earth and cool!  He had coffee plants just growing in his yard.  (Of course, Pattabhi Jois is known for saying, "No coffee, no prana") and the first thing he offered the  guy was a cup of organic coffee.  Kate, the girl filming the documentary, told the film's subject (Nick) to ask him about "Moksha".  When Kate had met with him before, he had told her that the purpose of yoga was Moksha -- liberation from death/birth/death/rebirth.  But when Norman had been giving Nick a massage, his words of wisdom for him were, "Go fuck yourself."  He explained to Kate that for Nick, that was the purpose of yoga.  I think the meaning of that is to be self-sufficient, to depend on no outside sources for love or fulfillment.  In fact, when Nick had asked him, "What does twisting myself into a pretzel have to do with enlightenment?", Norman had replied, "Nothing.  Nothing at all."  I think the point is, the purpose of yoga can be different for different seekers.  We all gain what we need from it, for some it's self-reliance, for others liberation.

Maybe I need both.  I wasn't exactly DEPENDENT on my relationship, but damn I love him.  I'm still so confused as to whether that's spiritually advisable to be so enamored with another person.  I mean, if we as humans have the capacity to FALL in love, why should we avoid it?  Is it a trap along the path of enlightenment, designed to distract us from  the truth of our purpose?  Does love just get in the way?  Normally I'd say that makes sense, but if two people are on the same mission...wouldn't they be more successful as a team?  Just random pondering.

So, last night was day 5.  My yoga practice was interesting.  My excuse, by the way, was that I think I'm getting sick so maybe I should take it easy.  I should probably just rest.  Hahaha.  So I did it, the temperature in my apartment has not changed at least since the day before, but I was POURING sweat.  I mean, I was sweating more than when I did yoga in here in the middle of summer with no air conditioning.  I had sweat dripping off the tip of my nose, my hair was soaked, it was insane.  Additionally, I was short of breath throughout the duration.  I've been doing Ashtanga for almost a year now, and this being the fifth consecutive day I did the exact same flow, why would I suddenly be breathless?  I don't think I pushed myself any harder.  Maybe subconsciously I did, but it was weird.

Finally, when I was in Savasana, I thought to myself, "It's a little weird that I haven't cried yet."  I decided it's probably because I'm still holding all the emotions in, because I'm so afraid of how much it's going to hurt if I face them.  So I started saying, "I release all which no longer serves me."  A few tears trickled out as I started thinking of all the things I wanted to release.  Judgement, sorrow, regret, insecurity, fear.  Going through this list, I decided it would be better instead of naming these ugly things I wanted to release to state instead something positive.  So I started saying, "I am enough.  I am enough.  I am enough."

Holy. Fucking. SHIT.  I never could have imagined I had so many tears in my body.  They flowed endlessly.  My chest heaved with sobs.  It was such an emotional moment.  I was kind of surprised to realize that some part of me didn't feel like I was enough.  Once I looked at it, though, it was undeniable that it was there.  At least I can see the place that needs healing.

I had the radio on and it was just ridiculous.  I put on the Jewel station on Pandora and I couldn't believe how the universe is taunting me, honestly.  Let's be fair, how I'm torturing MYSELF.  I even wrote the songs down because it was so ridiculously stupid.  First, Jason Mraz -- I won't give up.  THEN, Lisa Loeb -- Stay.  REALLY???  Then, Jewel, the Deep Water song I was talking about yesterday.  "When you're standing in deep water, and you're bailing yourself out with a straw, when you're drowning in deep water, and you wake up making love to a wall, well it's these little times, it helps to remind, it's nothing without love."  Yeah, Jewel, I know.  Shut up.  I changed the station.

So, where to go from here?  Well, the world is my oyster.  I'm going to go out and kick some ass.  Read some books, learn some things, connect with some people and make some shit go DOWN.  I decided, for example, that this year I'm going to learn how to play, "You Were Meant for Me" on the guitar and sing it.  It seemed easy enough when I heard it to figure it out.  The  tricky part will be singing at the same time, but hey, it's been done before so therefore it is not impossible.

Yesterday I also watched this fun little animated movie called, "Sita Sings the Blues".  It was funny and informative.  It ties in events from Ramayama with her own life, demonstrating parallels.  I didn't know that Hanuman was an incarnation of Shiva.  That's pretty interesting.  

Well, I suppose that IS enough for now.  Peace out!

*Oh wait.  No.  I DID have more to say.  Yesterday, Mike and Kelli posted new pictures of Sienna.  The grief of adoption is a lot like the grief of losing a child, I think (I've never lost a child so I could be way off base here) but the difference is that with adoption, the wound stays open.  You never really get any sense of closure, you are continually grieving.  The baby you lost.  The first birthday you missed out on.  The first step you weren't there for -- the entire CHILDHOOD that went on without your involvement.  I love that we have an open adoption, and I wouldn't change that.  But the difficult part of it is that every time you see new pictures, it's a fresh wound.  I'm so happy for all of  them, truly.  But right now...in the middle of all this other heartache...it was just so hard.  I almost felt like I couldn't take it.

Well damn, now I guess I'm leaving off on a bummer note.  Wait, no, I can talk about my smoothie!  Haha.  So, because I can't put every single ingredient in every single smoothie, I've decided to start picking a few ingredients intuitively.  Yesterday, I was led to do a "chocolate covered cherry" focus.  I chose cacao powder, cherries, cinnamon and honey for immunity, and my standard everyday blend of turmeric, maca, ashwagandha, and spirulina.  And of course I used coconut almond milk to blend with and a frozen kale cupcake.  (Kale blended with coconut water and poured into cupcake tins to freeze)

I know it sounds like a lot, but trust me, I used to put in WAY more than that.  Oh yeah!  And 2 tablespoons of coconut oil.  It still tasted a little oversaturated with ingredients, so I'll have to work on that.  BUT, here are the benefits of the cacao and cherry that I chose:

Cacao powder:  antioxidants, magnesium, iron (Interesting that I would be intuitively drawn to this, when I am already anemic and my period is due in 2 days.)  Here's an excerpt from a wonderful article about this:
Raw Cacao
"Cacao is by far one of the best superfoods to include in your diet during the winter, and here are the top reasons why:

PEA

Nope, not the vegetable. PEA is an abbreviation for phenylethylamine, a brain chemical also known as "the love drug", and it just so happens to be found within cacao! Yes, there is actual science and chemistry behind why giving the gift of chocolate is a perfect expression of love. Once PEA crosses the blood-brain barrier it has many interesting and pleasurable effects, and many claim it mimics those feelings that flood our brains when we're falling in love. It can also help to enhance mental focus and concentration, counter depression and anxiety, and improve our moods in general. While cacao may only have small doses of this particular chemical, it is in fact enough to have a tangible effect within our brain. 

ANANDAMIDE

If you're familiar with Eastern spirituality or Sanskrit you may have heard of the term Ananda, which is defined as "bliss" or "delight". Anandamide, like PEA, has a definite impact on the way we feel. It is actually a cannabinoid neurotransmitter that plugs into our "bliss" receptors within the brain, stimulating a release of feel-good endorphins that may even mimic a very, very (very) mild high. Also found within cacao are several chemicals (such as n-acylethanolamines) that act to block the breakdown of anandamide in general, prolonging its positive effects. The gist of things: consuming cacao is downright blissful! 

THEOBROMINE

This compound, while closely related to caffeine, is much more mild and less habit forming within our system. Theobromine helps wake up the senses and gently increases energy and focus. It also acts as a mild diuretic and actually has a relaxing effect on our smooth muscle tissue such as the bronchi within our lungs. It aids healthy circulation by promoting the dilation of our blood vessels, a benefit especially welcomed during the chilly days of fall and winter. Note that theobromine is the substance within chocolate that is not metabolized properly by our canine friends, and can actually be very toxic to them. Keep all chocolate away from your dogs (it's okay, it means more for you!). 


TRYPTOPHAN 
This feel-good essential amino acid is commonly found in protein-rich foods such as legumes or nuts and seeds, however cacao beans also happen to be a great source! Within the body tryptophan is metabolized into two of the most important neurotransmitters of all for mood and sleep regulation, serotonin and melatonin. Combined with the stimulative effects of cacao, this makes for a very unique combination; an almost relaxed yet very alert state of being, and who doesn't like the sound of that?"

Cherries:  Antioxidants, cancer-preventative compounds, natural melatonin, arthritis pain relief, post-exercise muscle pain (yes, please!).  This time of year, my arthritis acts up a lot.  And, on day 5 of my sadhana, some post-exercise muscle pain relief was probably much needed.  Good call, intuition!

Twin Flames -- The Runner

I remember when I started seeing 11:11 all the time after Joth and I found each other.  It  was so persistent that I googled it, and my search brought me to a ton of articles about twin flames.  I discussed this here before, but I always thought as I read the articles, "Yes!  That all fits!  Except the running part.  That part's not going to happen.  There will be no separation, we're different.  We're more evolved than that."  At the same time, though, there was a different part of my brain saying, "If there is a runner, I know it will be me."  Because that's what I always do anyway when I get too close to someone and I feel that the closeness is not mutual.  Or when I fear getting vulnerable by catching feelings that are unrequited.  If there are feelings + fear of rejection = peace out.

However, I was sure that would never happen with Joth, because this was a healthy relationship, and surely he would never do anything to make me feel insecure.  Imagine my surprise when I realized that the root of my fear and insecurity had never been with my partners at all.  It was in me all along.  Because here I had everything I asked for, as close to a perfect partner, seemingly tailor-made for my exact needs and wants.  And still, the fear came.  I was surprised.  I didn't understand it.  Now, there is a perfectly mundane explanation for this aside from all this karmic woo-woo twin flame stuff that you may or may not believe.  All that aside, I took a quiz on attachment styles.  Everybody has one.  I discovered, after taking like 5 quizzes, that without a doubt mine is fearful/avoidant.  Here is a brief synopsis.

Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style

• "- A negative view of self (low self-confidence)
• - A negative view of others
• - A desire to be connected with others paired with a very strong hesitation
• - Fear of rejection
• - Fear of abandonment
• - A sense of not being good enough or worthy
• - Fears so predominant that you want to withdraw or avoid relationships
• - Difficulty trusting others
• - Feel more invested in your relationships than the others involved
• - Take a very long time to get into a relationship, but tend to be dependent once it begins
• - Often try to avoid conflict
• - Hesitant and reserved in how much you share about yourself and your feelings
• - Tend to be passive in relationships"

"Those who fall into this category view themselves as unworthy and undeserving of love. Additionally, they feel that others are unworthy of their love and trust because they expect that others will reject or hurt them. Given their negative view of self and their view that others are bound to hurt them, those with a fearful-avoidant attachment style tend to avoid close involvement with others in order to protect themselves from anticipated rejection (Bartholomew, 1991)."

That fits me to a "T", the entire article.  Part of me is relieved, because there are ways that I can address these issues.  It is a complete contradiction, I never knew that anyone else existed who felt the way I do.  If I'm using the Gemini twins metaphor, as I so often do, I'd say that one twin longs for human connection.  She aches for a soul mate, fervently believes with every fiber of her being that it would be paradise to find the yang to her yin.  She is convinced that if only she found that missing piece, she'd feel complete.  This twin is rushing toward the relationship, giving away her heart with wild abandon, joyful, excited to share her life and her love.

Then there's the other.  HER.  She doesn't trust anyone.  She keeps her guard up at all times, and if anyone should step one inch over the perimeter, alarm bells are sounding.  She's the one in my head always saying, "Run.  Run.  Run away, you're going to get hurt.  You know you can't trust anyone.  This is a dangerous place to be.  Evacuate the love premises NOW.  DANGER."  Except in this relationship, there was no logical objection she could have, so she was for the most part quiet.  But she was always searching, searching, relentlessly hunting for the tiniest crack.  The slightest imperfection, any hint that things could go wrong.  Any excuse, really, to hightail it.  So last week, she wasted no time finding a reason to detach.

See, after I got pulled over last week, my sister's husband picked me up and brought me to their house.  My sister is huge and pregnant, due in March.  They both had to work the next day and I needed to get home, so I messaged Joth because luckily he was still at my house.  Bless his heart, he came and picked me up.  It was really super sweet of him to do.  Now, I was venting my frustration as I am wont to do whenever something bad happens, it's just a way for me to process my feelings of agitation and let them go.  I felt like he was completely not even there, no, "Everything is going to be okay" or anything like that.  In fact, he kept fucking interrupting me when I was sharing my feelings, as if they were the least important thing in the universe.  I felt very hurt by that, very invisible, very unimportant, very unsupported, very shut down.  I was just making a bid for compassion and I was repeatedly denied, until he finally told me very frankly that he just couldn't deal with me talking about such negative things while he was driving because I might attract bad things to HIM.  I felt pretty insulted by that, but when I brought it up, it turned into me being ungrateful for the ride.

Which is definitely not the case.  He totally rescued me and I was so thankful for that.  I honestly don't know what I would have done without him.  Discussing how I felt and being hurt by what he said doesn't negate my gratitude.  It was a separate issue, but anyway that's not even what I came to talk about.  You notice I didn't even blog about it when it happened, because I didn't want to pour energy into the negative.  I didn't want to talk about the bad things because where attention goes, energy flows, so I skipped right over it like it never happened.  But that night when we got home, something changed.  I kept trying to communicate with him, and it kept escalating.  I tried all kinds of different tactics, speaking calmly, using "I" statements, inviting him to discuss.  But he'd interrupt and get instantly agitated, no matter which approach I took, it would be instantly blown up into gigantic proportions where it wasn't even possible to have a calm adult conversation.  

He turned it around like I had always been some crazy person and had always made such a mess of our communication.  Yes, this touched a nerve because I KNOW from crazy.  I used to BE that.  It was so hurtful that with all of my deliberate, concerted effort to take a healthy approach to relationships and discussion, he just didn't at all see the times I had been mature or level-headed.  All he remembered were the times I had slipped up, and in his mind suddenly that became all I had ever done.  I was so upset that he couldn't even acknowledge the GOOD conversations I had had.  For me, those were achievements.  For the times I had overcome my emotions to go unrecognized was like a sword to the heart.  I worked hard to be able to do that.  I know that I still have work to do, and that sometimes I communicate ineffectively, but I am always learning and trying, and apologizing when I mess up.  He, however, seems to believe that he is a perfect communicator and never makes a mistake in relating to me and well, that is just simply not true.  He is just as flawed as I am, and it takes two to tango.

Anyway, I brought up the progress I had made, and I said, "If you can't recognize the effort that I have made and the times I have overcome this, then..." and I trailed off.  He looked at me, emotionless, blank face.  "Then what?"  He said.  I was crushed.  I didn't expect to be let off the hook for my mistakes.  But I was looking for some acknowledgement of my successes, and there was none.  That blank stare.  Those heartless eyes.  That feeling of disconnection.  That's when I pulled away.  Nothing was ever the same after that.  Mentally, that's the moment I ran away.  I didn't actually break up with him until last night.

Was I wrong in thinking he was my soulmate?  Absolutely not, there's no way I could have been.  The number of coincidences, all the signs, the feeling...it's never been that way with anyone before.  That's not the issue.  I know he's the one, but it's clear to me that we both have a lot to work on independently before we can be successful together.  Maybe it won't happen this lifetime.  But just because we've broken up doesn't mean that we cease to be part of one another.  It's frustrating because we think and feel what the other does, so it was definitely a more challenging relationship.  Advanced level.  But the rewards were so much greater too, and I really hope that when I deal with my bullshit and he heals more from his recent trauma, that we will truly be healthy enough to complement instead of complicate one another.  Despite its ending, I in no way view this relationship as a mistake.  I'm still so grateful that it happened.  We just couldn't communicate, and I have so much other shit going on in my life right now that I just don't have the energy to fix that too.  All in divine time.

Twin Flame Runner

Ishvara Pranidhana -- Surrender

Today is day 4 of my sadhana and I've made plenty of excuses, but I have DONE it.  I'm still doing it tonight, I just needed to blog first before I turned my brain into mush.  Well, more mush than it already is.  Life is a WILD fucking ride right now.  At first I was all angry and agitated about it, but I'm to the point now where I'm like fuck it.  Bring it ON.  Everything I feared has happened (almost) and I'm still hanging on and I guess if the universe wants to pin me down and start mercilessly pummeling me, I'm just going to stop fighting back.  Just do it.  Show me what you're made of.  Hit me with your best shot.  You win, okay?  I'm not in control.  Got it.  Message received.  Spirit broken.

I think there's a reason that they call taming wild horses "breaking".  There's something sad about killing that wild spirit.  Training out that beautiful willful volition.  Reducing something meant to be proud and untamed into something ashamed of its wildness, subservient, cowering, afraid.  Broken.  Throw a saddle on me, I'll do what you say.  I've no more fight left in me.

On the plus side, I have learned something about surrender.  All you can do is make the best choices you can with the knowledge that you have and the circumstances you've been dealt.  After that, let the chips fall where they may.  Recognize what is in your control, let go of what isn't.  This Mercury retrograde has been a real fucking DOOZY.  I've lost so much.  I have to believe it's the old, being bulldozed to make way for something much more incredible than I could imagine.  A sistar posted that Mercury just LOOKS like it's going backward, but really it's going forward.  That's the way I choose to look at things, too.  It may SEEM like everything is falling apart.  But I surrender to the universe.  I trust the process.  It's exhausting to struggle, to worry, to fight.  

So, do you want to know what happened?  Well, Tristan got suspended twice.  I used up all of my sick time, float time, and vacation time to stay home with him.  He was supposed to ride the bus home to Blair and Rachel's Wednesday through Friday, and I was to pick him up Saturday for good.  Tuesday night, they informed me that they weren't comfortable with him coming to their house and I needed to figure something out.  Yeah.  Of course, right?  So I figured it out, had his dad pick him up.  

I have paid for two weeks of daycare and I found out TODAY at Tristan's IEP  that since he is going to another school starting Monday for Level 2 Special Ed (qualifying for emotional impairment, academically he exceeded his reading goal by 92%) and  the bussing may take up to 5 days to get set up.  Fantastic, it's not like his dad is going to pick him up and take him to Shelbyville for daycare.  And I can't get my money back.  I have to pay for the entire week no matter how many days he's there, if any at all.

In car news, last week Thursday just after midnight (so, JUST after my giant commission check hit my account) I got pulled over for my headlight out.  I had two unpaid tickets, got a citation for driving on a suspended license, my sister had to pick me up and get my car.  So I paid one of the tickets online, the other had to be done during business hours.  So, as I already wrote, I took care of all my bills.  Well, when I got the surprise news that Tristan was going to be here a few days earlier than planned, I realized I needed to get two outfits for him for school.  I thought I set aside enough for that ticket; the first one was $215 so I had set aside like 300 something.  Tried to pay Monday, Martin Luther King Jr. day.  Bought the outfits, paid the electric bill.  Tuesday I went to pay it and I was $24 short.  What could I do?  So, a few nights ago I got pulled over in Wayland -- AGAIN with the stupid headlight -- my license is still suspended.  Over the $24.  He said I need to pay it by Monday or I'm getting another citation.

Well, I have no money.  So I applied online for a payday loan (stupid, I know) and filled in all my bank info and social security number.  Then I realized it's probably a scam and had to put a freeze on my card.  The icing on the cake?  Joth and I broke up today.

I'm kind of numb at this point.  It's like when you've been slapped so many times in the same place, you don't even feel it anymore after a while.  Or when you're getting a tattoo, eventually you just get used to the pain and you feel like nothing.  You go to that other place where nothing can touch you.  Oh, that's disassociating.   Very helpful when life starts to get overwhelming, and  that's where I am now.  I'm not even here.  Whatever is happening to me, my body and my brain, well whatever.  I'm not even there.  As Jewel says in her Deep Water song, "...and you wake up, to realize, your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive...".  Survival mode, until the crisis passes.  Batten down the hatches.  This is serious time.

And it's okay, because it's all making me stronger.  I'm not bitter, angry, or resentful.  I WAS, at first.  Like, ugh, it's not FAIR!  Why does this shit keep happening to ME?  But now I'm like, well, it happened.  Oh well.  Now what?  I completed day 4 of my sadhana.  No matter what else happens, I am my own rock.  I will not let myself down.  In the end, I'm all I've got, and I won't compromise myself for anything or anyone.  To thine own self be true.

Bulletproof Coffee

I'm just going to be honest, I may never get around to talking about bulletproof coffee.  See, what happens is, I formulate a topic in my mind that I plan to blog about.  I pick a title related to that topic, and usually a picture describing it.  Sometimes, though, I go off on so many little rabbit trails that I never end up even talking about what I intended to say.  So, with that in mind, let's begin.  :)

Artemis loves yoga, by the way.  That's why I picked that picture.  She sat on my mat and purred the whole time, never a care in the world or a worry that I may squish her.  I was flattered that she had so much trust in me, but doubtful as to whether I deserved it.  I was a little extra wobbly in the balancing poses for fear of falling on her, and had to get creative in my transitions, but we were both okay.  Of course, when I finally got to Savasana, THEN she went and laid on  the couch.  

It felt good to do it.  I almost talked myself out of it, but I really needed it.  I paid close attention to the way my back is stretched in the poses preceding Chakrasana.  Poses that you think are related to one part of the body can surprise you with their impacts on other parts.  For example, the Marichyasanas.  You think it's all about the legs, but when you have a sore back and reach forward for your foot, you feel the side back stretch.  Yes, I know that's a very technical term and I don't mean to confuse you with jargon.  

Hahaha, I can feel the muscle I'm referring to, but I don't know what it's called.  It's not along the spine, up and down like, but reaching OUT from the center to the waist.  Does that make sense?  Does it matter?  Anyway, that's the part of my back that I hurt.  Now that it's a bit tender, I notice how in so many of these poses that I THOUGHT were about OTHER parts of my body, I'm subtly affecting others (such as the side back muscle) without realizing it.  It's a testament to the ripple effect, I think.  We may have direct contact or interaction with one thing, but we indirectly influence many others.  Nothing is isolated.  The thigh bone's connected to the, knee bone; the knee bone's connected to the, shin bone...

SO GOOD NEWS.  Like, best EVER news.  I've decided to look at every situation with gratitude, no matter what it is.  To focus on the good in it.  I have had that mindset before, and to be sure it still runs in the background but voices of fear and anxiety sometimes drown it out. I have to reconnect with it.  

Anyway, so it sucks that I'm going to be on nights and Tristan has to go to daycare 2nd shift.  But does it?  The Universe works in mysterious ways.  I mentioned how he is having terrible behavioral issues that no one has seemed to be able to find a way to resolve for him.  We can't figure out the cause, which makes seeking resolution a near impossibility.  BUT, I met with the daycare lady today.  She happens to be the only 2nd shift daycare lady in the area, and she happens to have just one 2nd shift opening.  It turns out that she has a degree in child psychology and originally planned to become a child psychologist but had children of her own and opened a daycare center.  So she is very aware of, and focused on, how things impact children mentally and what the best methods are to interact with, teach, and understand children.  She is really looking forward to working with Tristan and I'm so excited that he'll have this opportunity.  I don't plan to be on second shift forever, but while I am, this could really be a benefit to him.

I got all my grocery shopping today, and I did okay.  I could have done better and I could have bought less, but I'm congratulating myself because I didn't abandon my cart, I didn't get a whole bunch of stuff I don't need, and I didn't spend a ton more than what I budgeted.  And I DID get most of the things I DO need.  

I also got money orders for rent, car insurance, phone bill, and daycare.  I paid my cable bill and my electric bill.  I spent more on bills than I used to MAKE in TWO MONTHS at Velvet Touch.  I may not enjoy the nature of my job, but I DO enjoy the money.  And while I am working here, I can use it to my benefit and invest in myself and my children, giving us  great start until I'm making a living doing something I love more.  This doesn't mean I'm putting OFF doing what I love.  That is of utmost importance no matter if it's my career or not.  

I finally have  the confidence to set up a web page for my natural beauty products, reiki, and tarot.  Soon I'll have other stuff to add to it like hypnotherapy, but it's a start.  I can sit here all day and all night blabbing about what I wish I was doing, but until I start taking steps that will take me in that direction, it's all just dreaming.  I think I finally feel okay with it because I don't feel selfish anymore, it's necessary to care for my child now.  That changes everything, I don't feel like "Who is she to deserve a better life".  Hmmm, there are still some issues there.  I have to dig deep into this core of unworthiness and just be awesome.  

Yup, it's about that time.  I was going to talk about the Paradigm Shift Radio chat tonight, which was LOVELY (all about practical tips for being awesome) and also bulletproof coffee, and predictably I didn't.  Maybe tomorrow, maybe not.  We shall see!

Sadhana -- Commitment

I am sitting here, marvelously failing at the commitment I made to do yoga every day for the rest of January.  I started the 7th and did an entire week, 7 days consecutively.  I was feeling pretty awesome, but my muscles felt like they were in a constant state of muscle fatigue.  I am sure this comes down to nutrition.  I used to do yoga six days a week and never felt that way, but I was nourishing my body with superfoods, fruits, herbs, supplements, and greens.  I am going grocery shopping tomorrow.  Fast food is over.  I am preparing food again, healthy meals, and drinking my green smoothies every day again.

It's important, because if Tristan will be living here, he'll be getting the majority of his nutrition here.  His health, mood, attention, and success at school are all directly linked to the foods that go into his body.  Dollar menu and frozen pizzas are not optimum choices for his best success, and because I love him -- and myself -- I'm renewing my commitment for health.

That means getting back on the wagon with yoga, because I fell off.  No biggie, it happens.  I learned an important lesson.  I should just do it right now, but I don't feel like it, and I'm making excuses and grasping at straws but hey...we'll say that it's because it's Saturday and since Saturday is an Ashtanga "off" day, I should probably start tomorrow.  Yeah, that would really be better.  

What happened was, Joth came over and I had not done yoga that day.  I had only done my sun salutations the day before in an effort to keep my word but rest my muscles a bit.  So I knew I couldn't skimp again.  But, it takes an hour to get through the series, and I had a guest, and it was after 1 AM, and he must have been so bored sitting there on the couch waiting patiently for me to finish.  And yeah, I felt a bit self-conscious also.  I tried to block it out, but FUCK -- he's a YOGA TEACHER.  And I've never been in a yoga class, EVER, and I'm doing all this in front of him.  Unnerving -- and not because of him at all.  On the contrary, he's actually very supportive and encouraging.  He doesn't point out all the things I'm doing wrong or sneer in disdain.  So he's wonderful, it's just me.  I mean, this is the whole reason I don't GO to yoga class.  I  feel weird about being seen.

So I went to start Utthitta Hasta Pagangusthasana -- it's the one where you are standing, pick up your leg, and grab your big toe.  I have varied results with this pose.  I notice that some days, I barely wobble.  Other days, I keep falling before I can get the full 5 breaths.  Usually I fall somewhere in the middle -- a little wobbling, no falling.  But Joth was here.  And when I even THINK about someone POSSIBLY watching me, I instantly fall.  I know this.  So, I decided to stop, but my body still craved some backbends.  Chakrasana always makes me feel soooooooo gooooooooood.  It is, honestly, my FAVORITE part of the series.  Not necessarily the back bends, but the heavenly bliss of the forward fold which follows.  Divine.  Anyway, so long story short, I thought it would be a smart idea to skip right to wheel, my body wasn't properly warmed up, I JACKED up my back.  Like, BAD.  It hurt for days.  I'm a dumbass.

But, what this has taught me is that some things in life give us pleasure because of what came before them, what we had to do to "earn" them, the work we put in to achieve them.  Sometimes, essential steps can not be skipped because they add to the beauty and enjoyment of the end result.  If you skip right to the end result, it will be lacking.  You will either not be prepared for it, or you won't appreciate it because you didn't work for it which in turn lessens your enjoyment.  Just like that forward fold -- do you suppose it would feel as sublime if I skipped all the backbends and went right to it?  Not bloody likely!  

So, the cat totally just unplugged the computer.  Thankfully this thing auto-saves.  Joth and I picked out a cat and she's sooooooo cute!  Her meow is like this little squeak, she's shy at first but very affectionate and funny when she warms up.  She doesn't like being picked up, though.  She's black and white and we named her Artemis StarFire Andrews-Kacos.  Her nickname is Dot...hahaha, that's a story for another day.  I've been yammering on for quite some time already.  Here's a picture of her though!

Awwwww.  She likes to sit in between Joth and I -- so she's like the "dot" in each side of the yin yang.  You see?  Because she's got the white part, and the black part.

I know I did an entry about Tapas, discipline.  This is not exactly the same thing.  This is something more specific.  This is making a commitment to do something for a period of time, like lighting a candle and immediately blowing it out every night before bed for 90 days.  I got that from this article, which states that even if it's something as simple and small as that, you will notice yourself begin to make excuses.  

Iyengar said that, "Sadhana is a discipline taken in pursuit of a goal."  So really, any 30 day challenge could be a sadhana.  I am making a full moon cycle commitment.  New moon to new moon.  The new moon doesn't come until Tuesday but there are no rules against getting a head start.  There will be no days off, but I will allow myself to do just the sun salutations if the need arises for a "break".  

This article states that there are three aspects to sadhana -- choice, commitment, and aspiration.  
Sadhana
It is supposed to contribute to accelerated spiritual evolution.  I know from back when I started my first 30 day yoga challenge almost a year ago that this is undoubtedly true.  I'm excited to see where it will take me this time!

Retrograde Shadow

After all this time, it's curious  that I would come back to write while Mercury is in pre-retrograde shadow.  I'm no professional astrologer, but from what I understand, the ground we are covering NOW will be covered AGAIN when Mercury goes retrograde.  So, we're going forward in the same spot we'll be going backward as of the 21st.  The topics that come up now, the secrets that are hidden now, the things we repress...it's all going to come out when we tread back over this familiar territory.  Truth will be revealed.  Bruises will be poked.  The things we say now...they're going to come back to haunt us.

I read an article by an astrologer which said that if we already know that we will be back-tracking back down this path, why not line it with flowers and strewn petals.  Why not make this time the most lovely and wondrous, so that when we have to walk it again, it will be enjoyable?  I fully agree with that idea.  I'm trying to do that.  In ways, though, it feels like my life is falling apart.

And I know that this is how these things work.  Things MUST fall apart, or the hopes and dreams you set your heart on will never come to fruition.  The changes you wish to manifest can not come into being without some type of destruction, of the status quo, the old paradigm, the existing structures.  We can't have it both ways.  So yes, with growth and expansion come a certain level of discomfort.  I get that.  I don't like the uncertainty.  I don't like the disturbance on the surface of my previously placid pond.  There are ripples.  The boat is rocking.  I'm wearing a nice dress and I never intended to get wet.  I want to reach the shore, but I never planned to SWIM there.  I'm not dressed for this.  I do not approve.  WAHHHHHHH.

I don't in any way want to detract from the amazingness of my news.  Yes, spell check -- amazingness IS a word.  Now.  Anyway, this blog started with me giving up Tristan due to the situation I was in, followed me through the agonizing fear that he'd never come home, and now will bear witness to the glorious declaration that my son is, indeed, truly and finally COMING BACK TO LIVE WITH ME!  That's the sweet side of the sucker.  Do you remember those?  Sweet on one side, sour on the other?  Anyway, the sour side is this:  he is having horrible behavioral issues at school.  I just don't know what's wrong.  I almost feel guilty, because I wished for this, but I didn't specify in which WAY I wanted it to happen.  I feel partially responsible for not being more specific.  

Now, as overjoyed and elated I am, I am afraid.  He keeps getting suspended, and I have no more sick time.  I am at six occurrences, which is enough for me to get fired any day.  I don't know what to do to help him.  I don't know how I can take on the sole responsibility of getting through this.  On the last new moon, I set my intention to manifest "super mom status".  Well, hellooooooooo....here it comes.  In the most unexpected and unpleasant way.  Surely these trials will hone and sharpen my skills as a mother.  I'll become supermom, out of sheer necessity.  It'll be like my determination when I was giving birth to him -- I was NOT having a C-section.  I only had 6 weeks of paid time off and I needed to make this HAPPEN.  So it is now.  It's time to activate warrior mode.

I'm looking for the blessings in all these struggles, and they abound, to be sure.  But they're gilded with hot burning fear.  Not only that, but my rock throughout all of these changes has been Joth.  My security blanket, my safe place.  My sanity.  And I guess, ONCE AGAIN, the Universe wants to remind me not to be attached.  I love him so much, who could ever have imagined  that would be a bad thing?  But far too much of my happiness is tangled up in what he thinks of me, his approval, his validation, his reassurance.  When I don't feel it, I feel like a bird without any wings.  I could be soaring through the sky, high on life and filled with confidence.  But the doubt and the insecurity are like lead balloons.  I can't move.  I don't want to move.  Deflated.  Immobilized.  This shouldn't be.  

How do I learn to be happy in a relationship, and to not SEEK happiness FROM the relationship?  How do I maintain self-fulfillment and simultaneously maintain a mutually fulfilling relationship?  The two concepts seem to be at odds with one another.  I don't know how to be in love.

We've been having a little trouble lately, and normally I'd say it's just growing pains.  We've been through struggles before and it always felt okay.  I always trusted that we'd get through it and didn't seriously worry.  This time feels different.  I am scared and I want to run away.  Have you ever felt that feeling?  I'm sure I can't be alone in this.  You can feel when you are connected, and the energy flows.  But psychically, sharply, painfully, you notice the DISCONNECT.  That's what I feel right now.  I have always noticed those relationships where I knew intuitively that things would never be the same.  I never thought that would happen with Joth.  After all, I feel like we're the same person.  I've never loved someone so much.  I've never learned so much, laughed so much, grown so much.  I never doubted that it was the two of us until the end.

But now I do.  But what do I do?  A part of me wants to grip even tighter, clutch even harder.  But I won't do it.  Love is supposed to be like water, the harder you try to close your fist around it, the more it slips through your fingers.  If it is to be, it will be.  I must LET it be.  And anyway, somewhere there will be a blessing in all this.  But if the one person who fit every place, possessed every quality, met all the criteria, fit the exact description...well if that person could not have loved me, then no one can.  There would be no point in searching again.

I know I sound so melodramatic.  *sigh*  Well my period is coming, so there's that.  I've always been such a deep feeler.  My family always teases me and says I'm dramatic, and emo, or whatever.  It isn't drama for the sake of exaggerating my feelings artificially for attention.  It really IS this deep.  It's annoying sometimes.  I'm just going to trust the process.  There are a lot of great things happening, and there are a lot of challenges too.  But I'm moving forward and I'm going to kick some major ass.  I have some work to do and I really just can't waste time crying in the corner.