Man. I shouldn't even be writing about this amazing weekend right now, since I'm doomy and gloomy and flat and gray and blahhhhhhhhhhh. I was on top of the WORLD for a few days. I got so excited, like maybe I'm going to stay like this. I had unshakable optimism. I could move MOUNTAINS. It would be life-changing if I felt that way all the time.
But today, blahhhhhhhh. I know it's because of the rain. It sucks that the weather has such a significant impact on me. I feel so weak and helpless. Hey! So I just remembered the ear thing! It helped a little. I wish I had the energy to explain what I'm talking about right now. Whyyyyyyy does the rainnnnnnnnnnn suck the liiiiiiiiiiife out of meeeeeeeee. ???
Anyway this weekend was GREAT. I got to put into practice my new outlook on relationships and all the advice I took to heart from one silly little book. But, honestly, I did better. My mantra over the past few days any time I start to get anxious over some stupid little thing has been, "Just worry about your half. Just take care of your half. All you need to control is your own half." Because, in the book he says you can't control the other half of any relationship. All you can do is worry about your own half. Make sure your half is good. Don't try to manipulate, control, stress out about, or predict the other half. Just do your own part. It's such a liberating feeling.
When I take an action, or say something, no longer do I feel like I'm playing a game. Trying to speak or act in the necessary way to elicit the desired response. This is not to say that I'm manipulative; I'm not. I just truly honestly felt like with relationships, it was all so much a game, if "x" then "y" and if you could only figure out the formula for the specific behaviors necessary in order to create happiness in your relationship, you'd be successful. It isn't so, though. Not only that, but it isn't about MAKING them love you. MAKING them stay. Another important point made in the book is that what makes you happy is the love coming OUT of YOU.
He says your heart is a magical kitchen, and you have so much food (love) that you can share it with everyone and you'll never run out. And you'll never go hungry and you'll always have enough. But if you don't realize that your heart is a magical kitchen, if someone shows up with a pizza and says you can have some if you'll do what they want, you do. But then you get dependent on this person's pizza. And you worry that they will give it to someone else. And you DEPEND on this person bringing you pizza, and fear what will happen if they stop.
So, if I just love, and I do my half to the very best of my ability -- just BEING love, and letting my actions be guided by love -- well the rest will sort itself out. I don't need to waste the time and the energy trying to determine whether or not someone deserves to be loved. Or if they should be punished for behaving a certain way toward me. Or if, according to the game we're playing, I need to pretend I feel a certain way in order to "keep them interested". Or put some imaginary space between us so they'll miss me and not leave. Or do something to make them jealous so they'll get possessive and cling harder to me. These are not healthy behaviors. That is not love.
This IS. It's worth doing everything in my power to be something I've never been before, to master new skills, to venture into unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory, to be vulnerable, and to just genuinely and purely love with no conditions or expectations. So anyway, I really felt that shift happening. And this weekend was lovely. The "Seether" tried to come up a few times, oh you have no idea how many stupid triggers I have, but I just took a minute to talk to her. To reason with her, to explain to her, and to actually try to understand where she was coming from. What did I fear. What was I trying to protect myself from. What was I tempted to lash out at. It still took me a good 1-2 minutes, but I think with practice I'll be faster. It's like disabling a bomb.
So, today I sucked at yoga. I really really REALLY needed it, because I took off Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. Plus, I felt so gloomy today. I thought yoga would make me feel better -- it usually does. But today it made me feel even worse. I was so awesome last week! This week, I couldn't focus. I kept falling. I was clumsy. I was sloppy. Things just wouldn't happen right. I felt the whole time like I just couldn't click into the groove. It made me feel pretty disappointed. Then, after the amazing awesome bound lotus that I thought was the cure for all my emotional ailments, I was even WORSE.
I was crying on my mat, and it wasn't release either. It was like all this crap got dredged up and decided to hang around. Like, it was buried, and it surfaced, but it won't go. Now it's hanging around me like a gloomy depressing cloud. Ugh.
Well, today's kombucha is Gingerberry. It's pretty good. Maybe yoga went so badly because I ate first. Maybe I won't do that anymore. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I'm not going to try to write about happy stuff right now, just checking in for mood purposes. I'll try to tell you about it tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment