Today was just one of those days. You seem to be going along, day after day without making any progress. Then, every so often, you hit THAT day. The day you can stretch just an inch more, twist 2 degrees further. On those days, I push my limits. I go for the gusto. So, today was that day. I am optimistic, exuberant, motivated, and happy. I decided to make my yoga routine a dance, flowing seamlessly from pose to pose, not stopping to examine my toenails, not dawdling between vinyasas, just uninterrupted breath and movement.
I discovered something today. Of course, everything we realize in yoga pertains to life. As Joth always tells me, and I have found to be true -- there is no such thing is metaphor. I do my worst when I overthink the pose. When I spend too much time preparing, worrying about alignment, trying to get into the perfect position before going into it. I always screw it up when I do that. Today I just flowed into each pose with confidence, without hesitation, with nothing but trust -- not stopping to think about it first. You think all that THINKING will make you better. It doesn't. You think all that prior preparation will be an advantage. It isn't. Your body knows what to do -- it's your mind that gets in the way. Nothing good ever comes of worrying about the pose before it happens. Tonight, I didn't, and I was a rock star.
Plus, I ditched the self-doubt when it came to headstand and lotus. Those are poses that I only attempt sometimes, but only when I'm feeling strong, and I don't ever expect success. I decided to push myself just a little bit further, and I was amazed. In the closing sequence is bound lotus pose for ten breaths. Up until tonight, I have sat in half lotus for that part, wrapping my right arm around and grabbing my right foot, and wrapping my left arm and resting it on my waist. Tonight I said, what the hell, I'm going to sit in full lotus. Bound. For the full ten breaths.
I hear a lot of talk about emotional release in pigeon. Before I started Ashtanga yoga, I had tried pigeon a few times, and it was never my strong suit. If I were to try it now, perhaps it would be a different story, but I've been doing strictly Ashtanga (half primary) since April. Anyway, I imagine what happened tonight is a similar thing. In fact, I know it is, because I googled it. (Gotta love Google) With my third eye to the floor, eyes closed, breathing in and out...it was dark...it seemed to last a long time...I went through an array of emotions.
At first, there was fear. A sense of discomfort and panic. After 2 or 3 breaths, trust entered the equation. I noticed I was tensing all my muscles. For the next few breaths, I worked on slowly, timidly releasing my hips. And my ankles. Settling into the pose. There was a little fear too, but growing confidence. When my muscles were fully relaxed, there was a feeling of amazement. Euphoria, almost -- but coupled with terror. It was the exhilaration of standing on a tightrope between twenty story buildings. I was flooded with emotion. I felt like crying. I can't explain it, but it was something very new for me with yoga. I feel like it was important. I feel like something good happened.
A full moon is coming on Saturday! Full moon in GEMINI, at that...and Joth's birthday is Sunday! Happy, happy times. The kombucha I am drinking tonight is grape and it has chia seeds floating in it. It's my favorite one so far, I think. Except I'm not sure whether I want to chew the chia seeds or swallow them. I'm pretty sure I'm ramping up to a hypomanic episode, except I wouldn't really call it an episode. It's more moon-related. High energy, good spirits, motivation. Hell, since when is THAT symptomatic of mental disease? Shit, this is nothing but good for me. :)
We were totally going to adopt a kitty. We still are, but maybe not the one we thought we were getting. Shyloh was telling us about a cat named Yinyang who needed a home. Joth and I looked at each other, but we were totally thinking the same thing. Well, DUH. It must have been fate. :) So, I got kitty food, and a litter box, and a litter scooper, kitty claw file and clippers, and a cat carrier. Then, Shyloh told me that her friend Ema wants to keep Yinyang now and get rid of a DIFFERENT kitten. I still want a kitty. But...I REALLY wanted Yinyang. I've been searching shelters and stuff online and I found one named Karma, one named Tarot, one named Ouija, and one named Magic. But then I thought, well if I'm going to adopt a kitty, why don't I just take Lily and give her a different name? She needs a home still anyway.
Oh! Last thing. Tristan's been having really bad behavioral issues at school. Also, at home. I'm not sure what's going on with him and I felt pretty helpless. He won't listen, he willfully disobeys me, he even got in school suspension at school for fighting AND got kicked off the bus for fighting! Joth had made a suggestion that for every day the kids clean their room, they could earn a dollar, and we can put it on a calendar so they can keep track of how many dollars they have earned. And they can each make an Amazon wish list to keep goals in mind for whatever they were saving their dollars for.
Well, yesterday when Tristan was here I decided to make a list of just 5 rules he has to follow every day. Each day that he follows those rules -- at school, at Blair and Rachel's, here, or anywhere -- he earns his dollar. Well it turned out, he had a good day today! And, he told Rachel about the reward system and said it will be easy to be good now. Ohhhhh I am so happy! Surely, he'll still have bad days, but hopefully knowing that all is NOT lost even if he has one bad day will help him more easily get back on the horse and get back to good behavior and earning dollars. Here's hoping!
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