I typically refer to cognitive dissonance when I am discussing abusive relationships or religion. Which, when you think about it, are really quite the same thing...aren't they? Both seeking to control through manipulation. Hmmm.
But anyway, I bring it up today for an entirely different purpose. It suddenly struck me on the yoga mat tonight that this is exactly what I'm dealing with, even in the midst of all of my wildest dreams coming true! Allow me to elaborate.
If you know me at all, you probably consider me to be weird. Not in a bad way, but believing in all kinds of strange and unorthodox things. Eccentric. Unusual. I consider myself open-minded. Very. And...how do I explain this...I am, but I'm actually NOT. I didn't realize this until now. I say I believe in telepathy, telekinesis, past lives, reiki -- for goddess' sake, I spent $500 to get my reiki master attunement! WHY would I spend that kind of money on something I don't ACTUALLY believe in??? Why do I spend time reading spiritual texts, meditating, doing reiki self healing, chanting, setting up crystal grids...? Why would I waste my time if I didn't believe it?
Maybe I have been fervently trying to CONVINCE myself. Maybe I really WANTED to believe, but couldn't. Not really. If I really had believed, I wouldn't be as shaken as I am right now. I honestly feel on the brink of insanity. Oh, I'm so dramatic! But everything I thought I knew about the world is being called into question. Sure, it was cute at first, and while very coincidental...I could handle all the 1:11, 11:11, 1:23, 3:33, 3:11, etc. I kept seeing all the time. You can convince yourself that you're just being silly, and that it's pretty cool, but it doesn't actually mean anything. Or, it doesn't have to. You can talk yourself out of it. It's safe.
Even when Joth and I completely melted into one person...I couldn't sense the boundaries of my existence anymore, I couldn't tell where I ended and he began. In that moment, we were both nothing but energy, inseparable. But still, I told myself that brain chemicals can do some crazy things. I mean, look at drugs, after all. If you take acid, it can make your brain think your fingers are growing or that leprechauns are dancing on the wall. Trick of the mind.
Why do I keep trying to talk myself out of this stuff? I haven't really figured it out yet. For someone who wants so badly to believe in magic, and who has lived a life built AROUND magic, why wouldn't I be rejoicing at the Universe's validation of those beliefs? I honestly have no clue. Maybe it's fear? If this is real, what else could be real? If there are no rules, what could happen? I don't even know.
But anyway, today we went out for breakfast. We were chatting, having coffee, enjoying one another's company. I jokingly said, hey, what color am I thinking of? Now, keep in mind that my two favorite colors are purple and green. And he knows this. There was nothing blue in sight, it was a spur of the moment question. He answered quickly, confidently, without hesitation. Blue. I freaked out, but hey, it could be a lucky guess, right? So I said, what number am I thinking of? Instantly, without missing a beat, 3. Now I am writing this here because how does he know I was telling the truth when I said he guessed it right? Maybe he thought I was pretending or trying to make him feel better. I wish I had written those things down. I just didn't really expect him to guess them.
So, that blew my mind, but now that I'm thinking about it more...it's actually a little unsettling. How? How did he know? How could he possibly? I can't read HIS mind. I mean, I can pick up on his emotions. I can feel his feelings. But, I can't think his thoughts. I feel like I was just playing around, skipping through a puddle, and all of a sudden shit got deep. This is for REAL, yo. And as awesome as exciting as it is...well, it's also hard to accept! Hence, cognitive dissonance. My brain is trying SO HARD to rationalize it away. It isn't working, so I'm feeling a touch mad. I'm sure it'll go away.
Things are going absolutely fantastic. I haven't written in a while, but I decided after yoga to sit down and sip on some kombucha and update my blog. I'm hooked, this stuff is GOOD. Tristan hates it, but that's probably for the best. Then he won't drink it all :) It's expensive! I'm going to start brewing my own, though. I'm very excited. I love making things!
The ugliness has reared its head a few times. I've talked about it before, I'm sure. Maybe not in this blog. There's this other side of me, I call her the Seether. You know, after the Veruca Salt song. It's that ugliness. I try to shove her down, but she pops up. I try to stuff her back in but she emerges every so often, gnashing her wicked teeth. She hurts people. She wounds relationships. I can't control her, and she leaves behind a wake of destruction that I'm always left to clean up, apologize for, and try to explain. I can't. I can't tame her, I can't kill her, I just try to hide her.
But anyway, when she DOES come out, usually she's greeted with disgust and rejection by those she lashes out at, and that somehow seems to validate her thoughts of unworthiness. She wants to be so unlovable just so people will prove that she is unlovable. Whatever you believe to be true, you will create the circumstances to confirm those beliefs. It's stupid.
But now I feel like she's healing. Not disappearing, but she has felt seen. She has felt accepted. She made an appearance a few times...3? 4? It's the test phase of the relationship. I do so well at the beginning but eventually I crack. From the beginning, I always fear the part where that is going to happen, and the inevitable subsequent demise of the relationship.
This time, though, my shadow was greeted with love, acceptance, and understanding. Rather than shove down these ugly fears, knowing they would continue to pop up, Joth helped me address them. We talked through them. I felt them, I expressed them, and they went away. It feels so much better. I feel so much more whole. No matter what happens between us, I will always be thankful that he came into my life, because I have grown and healed more in the last 2 months than during any other period of my life. He makes my heart sing :)
Okay, well it's 10. I'm going to bed, more tomorrow!
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