Drishti -- Focus

So, here's an interesting thing I learned tonight.  I focus more when I can't see.  Does that make sense?  Not to me, not really.  But I was doing yoga tonight and my glasses kept getting in the way.  (I'm wearing them more and more lately because my one contact is pretty much done -- it's a 30 day lens and I've had it 11 months.)  So, I took off my glasses.  I worried that I wouldn't be able to execute the poses properly, or that my practice would suffer due to lack of drishti.  I don't even know if that's an appropriate way to use  the word, honestly.

For each asana, there is a drishti.  It kind of means focus, or focal point.  One of them is the tip of the nose, one of them is like your second toe, your belly button, your thumb.  I remember how it suddenly occurred to me one day in down dog, as I was being instructed to focus my gaze on my navel, that the term "navel gazing" may somehow be related to that drishti.  It also means vision, or gaze.  As in, your drishti should be on your third eye.  The tip of the nose one and the third eye one both hurt my eyes, so I just close my eyes in poses that call for those, or just look straight ahead.

But anyway, the whole purpose of drishti is sense withdrawal.  If you focus all your energy on just that one single point, supposedly all of your senses fall away.  I find that this is not the case for me.  For example, when I am supposed to be looking at my second toe, I'll notice that my toenail has grown rather long.  Suddenly it will begin to disturb me that it is long.  The longer I stare at it, the less I can stand that unclipped toenail.  Sometimes I stop to clip my toenails.  Or push back my cuticles.  Or scrape off some remaining scraps of nailpolish.  You see?  Drishti doesn't seem to help me much.

Today, though, after I took off my glasses, I did great.  Obviously I could only look in the general vicinity of whatever it was I was supposed to be looking at, because I couldn't actually SEE it.  But that was the key!  With nothing to see, there was nothing for me to get distracted by.  Focusing on some colored blob which represented my thumb yielded much better results than I ever had when I could clearly see anything.  Of course, the goal is to be able to shut out all distractions even when I CAN see.  But, if the purpose of drishti is to tune out your senses, why NOT do it blind?  Sometimes I even do my entire flow with my eyes closed.  I'm not sure if this is better or worse than using the designated focal points, but it seems to get me into a deeper meditative state.  

I'm not sure if there's any meaning to that or not.  Anyway I got all of my holiday shopping done today!  Except my dad.  There are a bunch of gifts under the tree, wrapped -- the tree is up (Tristan LOOOOOOOVES the holidays, and he was begging me since like 6 am to let him put up the tree so I did), there are candy canes and some ornaments on it, and we bought clear ornaments and paint to decorate as our solstice craft on Sunday.  I mailed another letter to Kevin, I sent my rent, and I got money orders for my car insurance and phone bill.  I also put money on my gas card.  I meant to get groceries -- I tried -- but I get so overwhelmed.  I didn't know what to get and what not to get, so I didn't get anything. 

Tomorrow night, though, we are having popcorn, watching holiday movies, drinking eggnog, and relaxing.  Then Sunday morning we are going to have a nice breakfast, read our Winter Solstice book, and make those ornaments.  A girl from the sister circle is hosting a solstice gathering at her house and I'm thinking about taking the kids.  We'll see how things go.  I need to switch my laundry, ta ta for now!

Tolasana -- Balance

I love how yoga can both boost your confidence and keep you humble at the same time.  I mean, when I first started with the half primary in April, I couldn't even get into lotus.  I remember that even HALF lotus would KILL my ankle, and I'd feel like the skin was tearing off, and I'd be breathing really super fast to try to get through the five breaths like ohmygodohmygodohmygodmakeitstop!!!!!   Then I got INTO lotus and freaked out because it hurt so bad and I thought I was stuck there.  Then I could hold it.  Then I could bind it (sort of) for Baddha Padmasana, after which I'd get "criss cross applesauce" (formerly known as Indian style) for a half-ass version of lifted lotus.  

Then, one day, I decided to TRY to lift it.  Nope, didn't work.  Oh well, on with my flow.  Then, a couple days ago, I thought what the hell, I'll try it again.  At first, I had to figure out where to put my hands.  It was a weird feeling and I had to sit back down and try again, but then...I was DOING it!!!  It was AMAZING!  I felt so badass.  But, of course with yoga, you never reach your "destination".  It's all about the journey, and the journey never ends.  I like that, though.  There's always something more you can do, something just out of reach to grasp for, some dangling carrot to entice you to push onward.  So I do.

So yeah, I felt pretty badass.  Until I was googling pictures for this entry, and I was like...whaaaaaaat. The fuck.  Take a gander:

Yeah.  And she's all chill, like yeah.  No big deal, this is my nap pose.  *yawn*  

So anyway, there's the Tolasana part.  We've already gone over my previous contemplation on the significance of lotus and how it correlates to my emotional issues.  In a very literal way, I just could not open up.  On one hand, on the surface, I seem to wear my heart on my sleeve.  But in an almost paradoxical sense, I have always been so closely guarded.  I can spill the contents of my heart to anyone, but let you in?  It would seem that I am quick to fall in love, based on my romantic history.  It's partially true, as I am quick to lose myself in the intoxicating exhilaration of infatuation.  I tell myself, and half-believe, that I am "in love".  This allows me to feel extremely strong feelings for a person without ACTUALLY being close.  

I used to watch this show called Outsourced about a call center in India.  This guy from the states is over there in India discussing arranged marriage with one of his Indian co-workers.  The co-worker says that with our way, it is like tea that starts out very hot and cools down, where with arranged marriages the tea starts out cold and heats up over time.  Now, I'm not in favor of arranged marriages at all.  But, I notice that the quality of love that I have with Joth is of a completely different nature  than the teenage hormonal superficial feelings I've attributed to love in the past.  

I mean, sure, I'm not going to lie -- THAT is still there.  THIS isn't the ABSENCE of that giddy high-school stuff -- it's IN ADDITION TO it.  It's another dimension of romance previously nonexistent in previous relationships.  That's not to say they all sucked all the time -- you, dear diary, know better.  I've blogged about plenty of good feelings, happy times, relative success (albeit brief) in relationships.  When you don't know what you're missing, you don't miss it.  

But anyway, since we've been together, I've been opening up.  I have been overcoming challenges, moving through struggle, and evolving -- spiritually, emotionally, AND physically.  It's so interesting to watch this happen across all areas of my life.  

I even stopped to evaluate an old fear-driven triggered ego-response last night.  I didn't react.  Blair and Rachel gave  Tristan a bible and I kinda freaked out inside.  I identified each of the feelings in the range that came up, and sought to understand the root of each.  Fear.  What am I afraid of?  That they will indoctrinate him.  Why am I afraid of this?  I don't want him to be judgmental and narrow-minded.  What would be the impact of me sending the text I want to send right now to Rachel?  I would come across as irrational.  It would seem like I feel threatened.  DO I feel threatened?  No, I'm secure in my beliefs.  Do I feel like Tristan must share my beliefs?  No, but I don't want him to share THEIRS.  Why?  Because I feel like they are exerting control over him.  Is this because YOU want to be in control of him?  Is this about who he "belongs" to?  Is  this ego?  

Hmmmmm.

Last thing.  Do you remember my vision board from last year?  I had a crystal grid on there.  A picture of hands that said "Have hands of light.  Learn Reiki."  A couple pictures of yoga.  A picture of a cup of tea.  A picture of Sarasvati.  A diagram of the eight limbs of yoga (none of which I knew the meaning of at the time).  A circle of women, a picture of healthy cooking.

In the past year, I have learned Reiki.  I have remained committed to a regular yoga practice.  I drink tea, maybe not every day, but I at least have some in the cupboard and drink it like once a month.  I have studied the eight limbs of yoga and other books going deeper into yoga and Eastern philosophy.  I learned (in Reiki class) how to set up crystal grids.  The sister circle flared back up for a while, and the book club came about...although we are now a little more disconnected from each other, but at least for a period of time that piece came to be.  Who knows, it might again.  Also, I've learned a LOT about healthy, natural, organic cooking.  And sure, maybe still it's mostly smoothies, but my eating habits HAVE changed.  And more importantly, I understand more now about the role of nutrition.

Then, there is the picture of the tarot card The Empress.  There is a mother, tucking her child into bed at night.  Notes saying "Never, ever, ever give up" and "Make things happen".  Two happy kids.  Those all related to two things -- me becoming the best mother I could be, strengthening our family and contributing to the happiness and well-being of my children; and achieving the goal of getting Tristan back home.  It's been a heartbreaking two years.  You've heard me spill the tears, vent the frustration, voice the agony.  You've heard the anger, the heartbreak, the betrayal.  I thought I was never going to win.

Then today, Rachel texted me.  They want to start transitioning Tristan to live with me again, and soon.  He is acting out at school and nothing any of us have been doing is helping.  They feel that maybe he is beginning to resent them because he wants to live with me.  Honestly, I have been saying this from DAY ONE.  We need a PLAN.  We need to set expectations -- not knowing when, if, or how he was coming home has given ME anxiety, I can only imagine how it may have affected him.  

There were nights I woke up in the middle of the night, gripped with sheer terror, panic running through my veins.  I don't think anyone can ever describe adequately the pain of being separated from your children when they are still at an age where you should be providing for their every need.  The fear for their safety and well being.  The concern for whether their little heart is breaking, and the sharp tugs at your own as you realize you can't wipe the tears off their cheek  that they cry for you.  I shoved it down, down, down like I always do.  What else can you do with that type of emotion?  How else can you cope with the intensity of that grief?  There is no facing it.  If you let it out of its little box, you know it will devour you.  You can not.

Now, my year is complete.  At the same time, though, it's only just begun!  I really feel like the cycle of pain and suffering has ended, and I take with me only the lessons as I move into my next phase.

The 8-fold Path -- Morality

So, in my last entry, I was sort of floundering when I attempted to break down "wrong" and "right", "good" and "bad".  My explanations probably got a bit muddled as I uncovered conflicting beliefs.  I mean, on one hand, nothing is "bad" and everything is in divine order.  With that said, though, we should not do things to hurt one another.  But we shouldn't say should.  And we are all doing the best we can from our level of consciousness, sooooooo...what then?  What of morality?

I was watching today's Dharma talk, 4 of 4 of the Four Noble Truths.  This explanation really helped clear things up for me, and the monk quoted something that had me googling to find the source, which ended up being this 8-fold path document.  He said, "There is no divine judge standing above the cosmic process who assigns rewards and punishments.  Nevertheless, the deeds themselves, through their inherent moral or immoral nature, generate the appropriate results."  

So, what IS moral?  I feel like we all have an internal compass.  The answer to this question need not be sought from books or teachers, we all carry it somewhere within us.  Just like birds somehow know how to fly south every winter, we too have an inner sense, a knowing.  The problem is, modern society does a lot (intentionally?) to disconnect us from our own intuition, so much so that we depend on others to tell us what is right and wrong.  

In fact, I know Christians who think there would be no morality without Christianity.  As if somehow having some big powerful guy in the sky watching us and delivering ten rules on a tablet is the only thing keeping us on our best behavior, for fear of his eternal retribution.  What???  If that's the only reason you're being "moral", that's not so much true goodness, is it?  

Not only that, but take a moment to step back and observe the horrors that have been committed in the name of this so-called religion of "love" by these people with "morals".  Did I miss the Buddhist Crusades?  The Hindu Inquisition?  Oh yeah, that's right.  Because they never happened.  I'm sorry, but I have a problem accepting my moral guidelines from an institution with that much bloodshed on its hands.

Anyway, I found this article which explains things beautifully:
The Buddha divides kamma ethically right down the middle into two different classes, wholesome kamma ("kusala kamma") and unwholesome kamma ("akusala kamma"). 

Unwholesome kamma is action which is spiritually harmful and morally blameworthy. Wholesome kamma is action which is spiritually beneficial and morally praiseworthy. 

Intention There are two basic criteria for distinguishing wholesome and unwholesome kammas. One is the intention behind the action. If an action is intended to bring harm to oneself, harm to others or harm to both oneself and others, that is unwholesome kamma. Kamma which conduces to the good of oneself, to the good of others or to the good of both is wholesome kamma. 

 Roots The other criterion is the roots of action. All action arises from certain mental factors called roots. These are the causal factors underlying action or the sources of action. All unwholesome actions come from three unwholesome roots, greed, aversion and delusion. Greed is selfish desire aimed at personal gratification, expressed as grasping, craving and attachment. Aversion is ill will, hatred, resentment, anger and a negative evaluation of the object. Delusion is ignorance, mental unclarity and confusion. We also find the roots in the wholesome side: non-greed, non-aversion and non-delusion. Non-greed becomes manifest as detachment and generosity. Non-aversion is expressed positively as good will, friendliness and loving kindness. Non-delusion is manifested as wisdom, understanding and mental clarity. 

 Due to these roots we have to be very careful when we judge actions of our own and of others. Often there can be a sharp difference between the outer action and the state of mind from which the action springs. We might be doing a lot of good work for others outwardly, but the underlying motive behind our good work might be a desire to gain fame and recognition, a form of the unwholesome root greed and craving. Someone else might be sitting quietly meditating, seemingly aloof, but inwardly he might be developing a mind of loving kindness and compassion. He might be criticised for seeking only his own good, but he might be doing more to benefit the world than the active do-gooder who is driven by desire for name and fame. 

 The working of kamma is so complex and so subtle that it is almost impossible to make definite predictions. All that we can know with certainty are the tendencies, but that is enough to guide our actions.

The Gunas -- The Interplay of Opposites

I know you probably think I'm going to get all political here -- I'm not.  This is bigger than taking sides!  Right now my brother is so incredibly pissed off at me, when I came to pick up Tristan and knocked on the door they literally let me stand out there in the cold pretending they never heard me.  Even though the dogs were barking at the door.  Even though I cleared my throat and coughed and everything.  And for WHAT?  Because my brother is a police officer and I had the audacity to make a post on Facebook about how I feel that a police officer who KILLS someone should be held accountable by the standards of the law he is supposed to enforce.

This isn't "fuck the police".  This isn't "us vs. them".  This isn't cops and robbers, cowboys and indians (wow I just realized how politically incorrect that one was, sad -- my mom always used to tell us "go play cowboys and indians"), red against blue, home vs. away or WHATTHEFUCKEVER.  How about this is ME on the side of US?  Just because I don't think it's okay for a cop to kill somebody doesn't mean I want people to kill cops!  Just because I don't think people should be waterboarded doesn't mean I think people should be beheaded!  What kind of fucked up logic is this?  What is this world coming to?  Why are we obsessed with creating these LINES and dividing into TEAMS, and to show support for our fellow man is automatically interpreted to mean we are against his imagined enemy?  STOP!!!!

I think we should all love each other.  I'm not gullible and naive, I know that this will not always happen.  Change, pain, suffering, and conflict are part of our existence on this earthly plane.  But they are intended to be lessons.  Catalysts.  Not a way of life.  They are not intended to be excused...we don't escape the karma of our actions just because imperfection is a part of humanity.  Of course it's in our nature to fuck up.  And then, through the CONSEQUENCES of us fucking up, we become a little more enlightened.  This is the only way through.  

Now I'm trying to connect this to a concept I was studying with ayurveda about the gunas -- tamasic, rajasic, and sattvic.  Tamasic is like the sluggish, earth, low vibration energy.  Meat is a tamasic food.  It contributes to our least evolved state.  Laziness.  Rajasic is dynamic, moving, changing, burning.  It is fire.  I thought at first that raja would be the ideal state, since it is so motivated and making things happen.  But it can be chaotic.  While raja is necessary to transform tamas to sattva, it isn't a balanced state to remain in.  It is also unstable.  And you can't maintain things at that high level for long periods of time, it leads to burnout...right back to tamas.  Put  too much fire and energy into your undertakings and the pendulum swings back to lazy and unmotivated.  And of course, sattva is the light, ethereal, conscious, enlightened state.  Tamas is black, rajas is red, sattva is white.

So, fucking up can be rajasic.  It can assist in our transformation and our enlightenment.  But it is through the fallout and chaos of our negative choices that we come through back to sattva.  What I'm trying to say is, nothing is "bad" but some things are not "okay".  Do you know what I mean?  Everything happens for a reason and each thing serves its purpose, but there IS still such a thing as wrong and right -- negative karma, positive karma, and neutral karma.  It doesn't maybe depend so much on the actual action, but rather the intent behind it.  Actions can not simply be grouped so neatly in black and white boxes labeled "good" and "evil".  Not even killing.  This is the problem I have with the ten commandments.

You can't label a specific action, because in certain circumstances the same action that is "evil" could be "good" and vice versa.  So yes.  We "should" all be sattvic, but then again if we all existed in that state constantly every day, what would be the point of being here?  Things fluctuate, and change, and opposites give rise to one another and all of this life is little more than the interplay of opposites.

Samkhya philosophers say that life exists for the purpose of acquiring experience and knowing the Self. The gunas are meant to facilitate this spiritual endeavor. They reveal, conceal, and stir us up—all for the purpose of drawing us closer to purusha, the knower. Krishna, the voice of the knower, sums up this relationship (in verses 14.19–20) with a lofty description of life’s goal—one in which ego identification with the activities of the gunas is transcended altogether. Though challenging, this millennia-old teaching continues to inspire seekers today:

I got very off-track.  Anyway, I am losing my patience for the division, categorizing, separation, competition.  I long to return to unity.  Inside I scream for each man and woman to recognize our interconnectedness and stop turning against our own sisters and brothers because that is as ridiculous as the cells in our bodies turning against one another, for they are ALL part of the SAME organism!  Do you think that doesn't apply to US too??????  The microcosm IS the macrocosm!  

I came today, though, to talk about my newfound sense of (scattered) motivation.  It's kind of manic, except I can't really tell because I have been very sleepy at the same time.  I think I'm mildly sick though, and it doesn't help that I haven't been nourishing my body correctly with the right foods or doing yoga as regularly as I should.  However, I feel like taking on the WORLD!  Of course, I very nearly spread myself too thin and I need to remember not to do that.  I want to learn hypnotherapy, take bellydance classes, sign up for a year of unlimited yoga at Seva so I can do my yoga teacher training next year, start a paradigm shift community, get involved in the great lakes stewards thing, and start selling some natural beauty products.  BUT if I attempt to take on this huge load right now while I'm HIGH and I've got energy to spare, I'll end up feeling...ten of wands.  Overburdened and overwhelmed when I come down.  Best to take a prudent pace.

There was this little corner store right here on main street in wayland.  It was for sale for the longest time, and it was during the time of my reiki classes.  I would drive by it longingly, seeing the sign saying "any income" but not really thinking it really meant ANY income and doubting that I could swing such a lofty goal of opening up a shop, on my budget.  Ohhhhh but it's such a perfect little shop.  I would imagine doing reiki and tarot readings there.  Having yoga classes, selling books and crystals.  My imagination took me to fantastic places but I never made a move.  Anyway, now somebody finally bought that store -- but they're doing an artisan's market, and there is a phone number posted to get in contact in case you want to have a booth!  I don't know what all that entails, but I'm calling the number.  

Well, it's four.  Time to make some pizza for the kids.  :)

Healing Crisis

As I searched for crying fairy pictures, it dawned on me that I need more tattoos.  I can't wait to see Kendra!  She isn't even taking appointments until April, but it's worth waiting for.  She did an amazing job with both of my parents' tattoos.  Check these out! (Kendra did not do these.)

So yeah, lots more fairies.  The one I chose for this post was called "emo fairy".  Hahaha.  But anyway, I have been struggling all day to figure out just what the HELL is wrong with me.  I mean, what could be so wrong that yoga can't fix it -- no, even more, that yoga makes it WORSE?  

You know how I felt yesterday.  So this morning, after sleeping in until almost noon, I dragged my ass out of bed and decided to start the day with yoga.  It went better than it did yesterday, but it still ended with me in tears.  Uncontrollable tears.  They felt better this time, but what is up with all the crying?  Yesterday, I thought maybe it was the rain.  But it isn't raining today and I still feel continuously on the brink of springing a leak.  

I asked Joth if he was okay.  I thought maybe energetically I was picking up on some kind of angst, or stress, or whatever.  But nope, he said everything is fine.  The more I think about it, though, the more I recognize what this is.  I remember in our reiki classes, Karen always warned us about the possibility of a "healing crisis".  When you start to free up those blocks, and get the energy flowing and stuff, sometimes things come to the surface to be addressed and cleansed.  It's all part of the purification.  

I thought maybe yoga is doing this to me, specifically with the introduction of bound lotus.  An article that I read about it said,   "It is also known to be one of the shortest paths to healing deep emotional blockages".  Which sounded awesome at the time, but I never considered...HOW are these emotional blockages healed, exactly?  I never thought that it might be one of those things, like cleaning your room, where it has to get worse before it can get better.  Like, if you have an infection, and you have to cut it open and squeeze all that nasty stuff out.  Eeeeeew, that visual kind of grossed me out.  But it's TRUE, right?

Not only that, though, but I think the experience with Joth is also detoxing me.  I never drink water, I believe I've mentioned this before.  I don't really pee a lot, once or twice a day.  I noticed after the reiki 2 attunement that I was peeing a LOT.  And having night sweats.  I knew that was my body detoxing.  Well, when I'm around Joth, I always feel like I have to pee.  Then the first day back to work, I can't even make it to my break time.  I have to pee on my breaks AND take several illegal emergency breaks.  So I started thinking that whatever is happening here between us is purifying me and resulting in a detox as well.

So, maybe this healing crisis is due in part to that.  And also with the yoga.  Getting acclimated to a higher vibration.  If I view it all as positive, it makes it a lot easier to deal with.  I feel less like a failure or somebody who suddenly sucks at life or a victim of the weather or a mood disorder and more like an evolving human being on the path to a higher plane of existence.  

I found this also:

Bikram Yoga East York

January 26, 2012 ·

THE HEALING CRISIS
Many of you have been asking me lately, “Why do I feel like I’m going to puke in there?”or “why am I so dizzy? or “why am I breaking out (acne)?” “why do I feel so emotional, angry, etc”. My instinct is always the same -- the healing crisis is at play. Huh?! The Healing Crisis?! Let me explain….
When practicing Bikram Yoga, we stimulate and squeeze our internal organs and glands. When we do this, toxins are often pushed out of our organs and into our blood stream. This is good news! In the hot room, our skin (our lymphatic system) operates like a third kidney, helping to push these toxins out of the body, via our sweat; however, when the body is throwing off toxins faster than they are eliminated, we end up with symptoms of “The Healing Crisis.”
Bikram Yoga offers one way to cleanse and heal the body; another major pathway for detoxification is through our diet / food choices. If you have ever done any form of dietary / organ cleansing in the past, you will likely recall that you have often felt worse on this journey before feeling much better. The same thing happens when we start Bikram Yoga, and the same experience can surface again, and again, as we move onwards on this continuum to becoming cleaner, healthier, and more vibrant.
If you often find yourself lethargic, grumpy, negative, depressed, you would likely benefit from additional cleansing / detoxification. There are so many ways to do this! I am always available at BYC’s clinic to offer support and guidance.
In the meantime, when you feel symptoms of the healing crisis, embrace it the very best you can! Toxins are far better out than in! Help assist your body in flushing these toxins by eating clean food, and by drinking lots of fresh water / herbal teas. You are well on the way towards vibrant health; stay the course…the rewards and potential here are truly limitless!
Teshia Maher / BYC’s Nutritional Consultant

I also read this in another article: Single events do push us into a healing crisis. Repetitive stimulation can also affect us in the same manner. Many dedicated students of yoga may unknowingly enter in and out of the healing crisis with a consistent practice. With each pose and each daily practice a student of yoga begins to unravel the layers of physical and emotional holding within the body. This could be the equivalent of peeling away the many layers of an onion. As the outer layers unfold the next layer presents itself to us as an untold story. We may have been accustomed to experiencing our world from a surface layer when we are thrust into relating from a deeper layer. This new layer has a different story to teach us as new information is revealed.

And they say, a lot of emotion is stored in your hips.  Fear, tension, past trauma.  Childhood stuff.  I've been famous for stuffing things down in order to avoid dealing with them, but never did I ever wonder where did they GO.  It's fascinating to consider that physically, in our very bodies, dwell the emotions we refuse to deal with.  They will manifest in other ways and still need to be addressed.  Now, for me, my hips have ALWAYS been tight.  Well, as far back as I can remember, which would be ballet in kindergarten.  I could always do side splits but never middle splits, and that never changed even all through elementary, junior high, and high school cheerleading.

Now, at age 32, I'm finally opening those hips.  It's never too late to make progress!

Oh, I have AMAZING news to share!  So, I want to say it was like May sometime, I joined the Paradigm Shift community.  Almost instantly, I became rabidly passionate about being part of a movement.  I kept hoping the New Earth Illumination Project would provide that forum for me to get involved in making a difference, but they have yet to actually schedule a meeting.  I have all  these ideas, all this passion, but I don't have the "take-chargishness" to actually START something.  I kept putting it out there, though, that the Universe would guide me to where I could be of service.  To where I was needed.

One of the sister circle girls made this post that really resonated with me, so I reshared it.  Then SHE posted a link to her website, which I promptly checked out.  It's all about getting involved in like FIVE things I'm passionate about!  Starting exactly the kind of movement I feel called to be a part of!  So she's talking about having a meeting soon, and I am SO SO SO SO down.  Exciteed!!!!
Stewards of the Great Lakes

Oh and speaking of the sister circle, the book club is finally meeting again!  For sure, tomorrow night, at 6:30.  I think I will re-read chapter 5, or even chapters 1-5 just to brush up.  I think I'm going to blog my thoughts after reach chapter.  Hey, I just had a bunch of coffee and I'm feeling amazing.  Yayyyyy CAFFEINE!!!!  :)

I can't remember all the times I've tried to tell myself to hold on, to these moments as they pass...

Man.  I shouldn't even be writing about this amazing weekend right now, since I'm doomy and gloomy and flat and gray and blahhhhhhhhhhh.  I was on top of the WORLD for a few days.  I got so excited, like maybe I'm going to stay like this.  I had unshakable optimism.  I could move MOUNTAINS.  It would be life-changing if I felt that way all the time.

But today, blahhhhhhhh.  I know it's because of the rain.  It sucks that the weather has such a significant impact on me.  I feel so weak and helpless.  Hey!  So I just remembered  the ear thing!  It helped a little.  I wish I had the energy to explain what I'm talking about right now.  Whyyyyyyy does the rainnnnnnnnnnn suck the liiiiiiiiiiife out of meeeeeeeee.  ???

Anyway this weekend was GREAT.  I got to put into practice my new outlook on relationships and all the advice I took to heart from one silly little book.  But, honestly, I did better.  My mantra over the past few days any time I start to get anxious over some stupid little thing has been, "Just worry about your half.  Just take care of your half.  All you need to control is your own half."  Because, in the book he says you can't control the other half of any relationship.  All you can do is worry about your own half.  Make sure your half is good.  Don't try to manipulate, control, stress out about, or predict the other half.  Just do your own part.  It's such a liberating feeling.  

When I take an action, or say something, no longer do I feel like I'm playing a game.  Trying to speak or act in the necessary way to elicit the desired response.  This is not to say that I'm manipulative; I'm not.  I just truly honestly felt like with relationships, it was all so much a game, if "x" then "y" and if you could only figure out the formula for the specific behaviors necessary in order to create happiness in your relationship, you'd be successful.  It isn't so, though.  Not only that, but it isn't about MAKING them love you.  MAKING them stay.  Another important point made in the book is that what makes you happy is the love coming OUT of YOU.  

He says your heart is a magical kitchen, and you have so much food (love) that you can share it with everyone and you'll never run out.  And you'll never go hungry and you'll always have enough.  But if you don't realize that your heart is a magical kitchen, if someone shows up with a pizza and says you can have some if you'll do what they want, you do.  But then you get dependent on  this person's pizza.  And you worry that they will give it to someone else.  And you DEPEND on this person bringing you pizza, and fear what will happen if they stop.  

So, if I just love, and I do my half to the very best of my ability -- just BEING love, and letting my actions be guided by love -- well the rest will sort itself out.  I don't need to waste the time and the energy trying to determine whether or not someone deserves to be loved.  Or if they should be punished for behaving a certain way toward me.  Or if, according to the game we're playing, I need to pretend I feel a certain way in order to "keep them interested".  Or put some imaginary space between us so they'll miss me and not leave.  Or do something to make them jealous so they'll get possessive and cling harder to me.  These are not healthy behaviors.  That is not love.

This IS.  It's worth doing everything in my power to be something I've never been before, to master new skills, to venture into unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory, to be vulnerable, and to just genuinely and purely love with no conditions or expectations.  So anyway, I really felt that shift happening.  And this weekend was lovely.  The "Seether" tried to come up a few times, oh you have no idea how many stupid triggers I have, but I just took a minute to talk to her.  To reason with her, to explain to her, and to actually try to understand where she was coming from.  What did I fear.  What was I trying to protect myself from.  What was I tempted to lash out at.  It still took me a good 1-2 minutes, but I think with practice I'll be faster.  It's like disabling a bomb.

So, today I sucked at yoga.  I really really REALLY needed it, because I took off Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night.  Plus, I felt so gloomy today.  I thought yoga would make me feel better -- it usually does.  But today it made me feel even worse.  I was so awesome last week!  This week, I couldn't focus.  I kept falling.  I was clumsy.  I was sloppy.  Things just wouldn't happen right.  I felt the whole time like I just couldn't click into the groove.  It made me feel pretty disappointed.  Then, after the amazing awesome bound lotus that I thought was the cure for all my emotional ailments, I was even WORSE.

I was crying on my mat, and it wasn't release either.  It was like all this crap got dredged up and decided to hang around.  Like, it was buried, and it surfaced, but it won't go.  Now it's hanging around me like a gloomy depressing cloud.  Ugh.  

Well, today's kombucha is Gingerberry.  It's pretty good.  Maybe yoga went so badly because I ate first.  Maybe I won't do that anymore.  We'll see how tomorrow goes.  I'm not going to try to write about happy stuff right now, just checking in for mood purposes.  I'll try to tell you about it tomorrow.

Tapas -- Discipline

Ahhhhh, I just got done with yoga.  Three days in a row, and three days in a row blogging -- oh, my energy levels are up!  I suppose for mood tracking purposes, I should check in.  Um duh.  If I'm blogging at all, chances are I'm in high spirits.  I try to force myself to blog when I'm in a low, too, just for the sake of comparison.  As I'm sure you can imagine, that can be a bit hard to do.

I am eating a bowl of steamed veggies with Himalayan pink salt.  When I am disciplined with yoga, everything else follows.  "Do your practice, and all is coming" as Pattabhi Jois said.  He also said, "No coffee, no prana".  Haha, no wonder I like Ashtanga so much.  I really like this guy.  :)  But anyway, it's true.  If I just take that time to get on the mat every day, all other areas of life fall into place.  Everything comes.

For some people, yoga is exercise.  Yoga is sometimes.  Yoga is maybe.  For me, it's different.  Yoga is Lithium.  Yoga is Risperdal. Yoga is Xanax.  Yoga is Prozac.  Yoga is the only reason my medications remain untouched on the shelf.  I have a choice.  Stay dedicated, or pop pills.  Skipping days is not a luxury I can afford.

I have built that fire, created that tapas.  Tapas is the fire that burns away the impurities.  I see this two ways.  Building physical heat during the flow burns away impurities such as stress, negative emotions, aches and pains, doubt, anger, etc.  But tapas is also that self-discipline, that commitment to show up every day.  Even the days that you don't want to.  Ignoring the voice that wants to sit on the couch and eat chocolate.  Overpowering the urge to watch movies and go to bed early.  Finding somewhere in you the strength to get out of the fuzzy flannel PJ's and drag your own ass, willing or not, onto the mat.  

Sadhana Pada, Sutra 43 in Patanjalis Yoga Sutras: 

(Sanskrit) kaya indriya siddhih asuddhiksayat tapasah

(English translation) Self discipline (tapas) burns away impurities and kindles the spark of divinity.

So, yoga makes me happy.  Also, reading makes me happy.  I just finished reading this book called The Mastery of Love.  Oh my goodness, it is amazing.  It's life-changing, just like The Way of the Peaceful Warrior was.  I must be going through a major upgrade right now, because I've been learning so much.  I am so thankful these books have made their way into my life.  I feel like I'm a better person every day.

I tend to think, at my age, that if something were important I'd have heard about it by now.  Or that I've considered every possible approach to relationships.  I mean, most dating books say the same stuff.  It sounds good, it's impractical, it's the same basic advice over and over again and while it makes sense...reading those books never really changes you.  This book was different.  It affected me on a fundamental level.  It changed the way I view relationships and I feel so much more healthy after reading it.  I really think I can do this.  I really think I can have a successful relationship.  I really believe I am capable of loving and being loved in a healthy way.  I am SO EXCITED!!!

His birthday is this weekend, I think I mentioned that already.  Usually I suck at giving gifts, but I think I figured out a pretty good one.  I'm quite happy with it.  I'm also making him an organic cake that sounds freaking DELICIOUS.  He loves coconut sugar, and it has coconut sugar in it.  And raw honey, bananas, milk, eggs, applesauce, cinnamon.  With a cream cheese/honey/vanilla frosting.  I can't wait to make it!  I'm going to do it tomorrow night while Jewel's here.  Maybe she'll help me.  I think I'll reiki bless it, too.  AND I wrote him a poem today.  I really really really want to send it to him NOW but it must wait.  It turned out pretty alright, if I do say so myself.  :)

Things are really weird at work.  I had a phone interview from Farmers and I have not heard back one way or another yet.  I guess it's not looking promising because I was supposed to get a phone call within 2 weeks and it's been almost 3.  However, if I didn't get it, I was supposed to get an email and I haven't received that either.  Whatever will be, will be.  I'm not worried but in the meantime at Charter I have been placed on a verbal.  It's not a huge deal, I just can't mess up AT ALL.  The first occurrence to roll off won't happen until March, so in the meantime there can be NO lateness, NO missing days unless I have sick time.  Period.

But it's not only that.  My supervisor doesn't reply to my emails anymore, which is weird.  I got a new shift which is supposed to start the end of December, but it hasn't been loaded into my schedule yet and I'm trying to request a few hours off on New Year's Eve otherwise I'll be working until midnight, which is a drag.  I was there until 2 AM last year, so whatevs, but I'd like to not be at work when the ball drops again.  I emailed her to see if she could let me know when my schedule would be updated, no response.  I feel uneasy.  I feel like they're getting ready to give me the boot. 

Which is FINE.  I hate my job with a burning passion.  But I need something else figured out FIRST.  Ohhhhhh fervent prayers to divinity that everything will work out to support the highest good and my divine purpose in line with my heart's passion.  It is.  So it will be.  Aho.

Baddha Padmasana -- Release

Today was just one of those days.  You seem to be going along, day after day without making any progress.  Then, every so often, you hit THAT day.  The day you can stretch just an inch more, twist 2 degrees further.  On those days, I push my limits.  I go for the gusto.  So, today was that day.  I am optimistic, exuberant, motivated, and happy.  I decided to make my yoga routine a dance, flowing seamlessly from pose to pose, not stopping to examine my toenails, not dawdling between vinyasas, just uninterrupted breath and movement.  

I discovered something today.  Of course, everything we realize in yoga pertains to life.  As Joth always tells me, and I have found to be true -- there is no such thing is metaphor.  I do my worst when I overthink the pose.  When I spend too much time preparing, worrying about alignment, trying to get into the perfect position before going into it.  I always screw it up when I do that.  Today I just flowed into each pose with confidence, without hesitation, with nothing but trust -- not stopping to think about it first.  You think all that THINKING will make you better.  It doesn't.  You think all  that prior preparation will be an advantage.  It isn't.  Your body knows what to do -- it's your mind that gets in the way.  Nothing good ever comes of worrying about the pose before it happens.  Tonight, I didn't, and I was a rock star.

Plus, I ditched the self-doubt when it came to headstand and lotus.  Those are poses that I only attempt sometimes, but only when I'm feeling strong, and I don't ever expect success.  I decided to push myself just a little bit further, and I was amazed.  In the closing sequence is bound lotus pose for ten breaths.  Up until tonight, I have sat in half lotus for that part, wrapping my right arm around and grabbing my right foot, and wrapping my left arm and resting it on my waist.  Tonight I said, what the hell, I'm going to sit in full lotus.  Bound.  For the full ten breaths.  

I hear a lot of talk about emotional release in pigeon.  Before I started Ashtanga yoga, I had tried pigeon a few times, and it was never my strong suit.  If I were to try it now, perhaps it would be a different story, but I've been doing strictly Ashtanga (half primary) since April.  Anyway, I imagine what happened tonight is a similar thing.  In fact, I know it is, because I googled it.  (Gotta love Google)  With my third eye to the floor, eyes closed, breathing in and out...it was dark...it seemed to last a long time...I went through an array of emotions.

At first, there was fear.  A sense of discomfort and panic.  After 2 or 3 breaths, trust entered the equation.  I noticed I was tensing all my muscles.  For the next few breaths, I worked on slowly, timidly releasing my hips.  And my ankles.  Settling into the pose.  There was a little fear too, but growing confidence.  When my muscles were fully relaxed, there was a feeling of amazement.  Euphoria, almost -- but coupled with terror.  It was the exhilaration of standing on a tightrope between twenty story buildings.  I was flooded with emotion.  I felt like crying.  I can't explain it, but it was something very new for me with yoga.  I feel like it was important.  I feel like something good happened.

A full moon is coming on Saturday!  Full moon in GEMINI, at that...and Joth's birthday is Sunday!  Happy, happy times.  The kombucha I am drinking tonight is grape and it has chia seeds floating in it.  It's my favorite one so far, I think.  Except I'm not sure whether I want to chew the chia seeds or swallow them.  I'm pretty sure I'm ramping up to a hypomanic episode, except I wouldn't really call it an episode.  It's more moon-related.  High energy, good spirits, motivation.  Hell, since when is THAT symptomatic of mental disease?  Shit, this is nothing but good for me.  :)

We were totally going to adopt a kitty.  We still are, but maybe not the one we thought we were getting.  Shyloh was telling us about a cat named Yinyang who needed a home.  Joth and I looked at each other, but we were totally thinking the same thing.  Well, DUH.  It must have been fate.  :)  So, I got kitty food, and a litter box, and a litter scooper, kitty claw file and clippers, and a cat carrier.  Then, Shyloh told me that her friend Ema wants to keep Yinyang now and get rid of a DIFFERENT kitten.  I still want a kitty.  But...I REALLY wanted Yinyang.  I've been searching shelters and stuff online and I found one named Karma, one named Tarot, one named Ouija, and one named Magic.  But then I thought, well if I'm going to adopt a kitty, why  don't I just take Lily and give her a different name?  She needs a home still anyway.  

Oh!  Last thing.  Tristan's been having really bad behavioral issues at school.  Also, at home. I'm not sure what's going on with him and I felt pretty helpless.  He won't listen, he willfully disobeys me, he even got in school suspension at school for fighting AND got kicked off the bus for fighting!  Joth had made a suggestion that for every day the kids clean their room, they could earn a dollar, and we can put it on a calendar so they can keep track of how many dollars they have earned.  And they can each make an Amazon wish list to keep goals in mind for whatever they were saving their dollars for.

Well, yesterday when Tristan was here I decided to make a list of just 5 rules he has to follow every day.  Each day that he follows those rules -- at school, at Blair and Rachel's, here, or anywhere -- he earns his dollar.  Well it turned out, he had a good day today!  And, he told Rachel about the reward system and said it will be easy to be good now.  Ohhhhh I am so happy!  Surely, he'll still have bad days, but hopefully knowing that all is NOT lost even if he has one bad day will help him more easily get back on the horse and get back to good behavior and earning dollars.  Here's hoping!

Cognitive Dissonance

I typically refer to cognitive dissonance when I am discussing abusive relationships or religion.  Which, when you think about it, are really quite the same thing...aren't they?  Both seeking to control through manipulation.  Hmmm.  

But anyway, I bring it up today for an entirely different purpose.  It suddenly struck me on the yoga mat tonight that this is exactly what I'm dealing with, even in the midst of all of my wildest dreams coming true!  Allow me to elaborate.

If you know me at all, you probably consider me to be weird.  Not in a bad way, but believing in all kinds of strange and unorthodox things.  Eccentric.  Unusual.  I consider myself open-minded.  Very.  And...how do I explain this...I am, but I'm actually NOT.  I didn't realize this until now.  I say I believe in telepathy, telekinesis, past lives, reiki -- for goddess' sake, I spent $500 to get my reiki master attunement!  WHY would I spend that kind of money on something I don't ACTUALLY believe in???  Why do I spend time reading spiritual texts, meditating, doing reiki self healing, chanting, setting up crystal grids...?  Why would I waste my time if I didn't believe it?

Maybe I have been fervently trying to CONVINCE myself.  Maybe I really WANTED to believe, but couldn't.  Not really.  If I really had believed, I wouldn't be as shaken as I am right now.  I honestly feel on the brink of insanity.  Oh, I'm so dramatic!  But everything I thought I knew about the world is being called into question.  Sure, it was cute at first, and while very coincidental...I could handle all the 1:11, 11:11, 1:23, 3:33, 3:11, etc.  I kept seeing all the time.  You can convince yourself that you're just being silly, and that it's pretty cool, but it doesn't actually mean anything.  Or, it doesn't have to.  You can talk yourself out of it.  It's safe.

Even when Joth and I completely melted into one person...I couldn't sense the boundaries of my existence anymore, I couldn't tell where I ended and he began.  In that moment, we were both nothing but energy, inseparable.  But still, I told myself that brain chemicals can do some crazy things.  I mean, look at drugs, after all.  If you take acid, it can make your brain think your fingers are growing or that leprechauns are dancing on the wall.  Trick of the mind.

Why do I keep trying to talk myself out of this stuff?  I haven't really figured it out yet.  For someone who wants so badly to believe in magic, and who has lived a life built AROUND magic, why wouldn't I be rejoicing at the Universe's validation of those beliefs?  I honestly have no clue.  Maybe it's fear?  If this is real, what else could be real?  If there are no rules, what could happen?  I don't even know.

But anyway, today we went out for breakfast.  We were chatting, having coffee, enjoying one another's company.  I jokingly said, hey, what color am I thinking of?  Now, keep in mind that my two favorite colors are purple and green.  And he knows this.  There was nothing blue in sight, it was a spur of the moment question.  He answered quickly, confidently, without hesitation.  Blue.  I freaked out, but hey, it could be a lucky guess, right?  So I said, what number am I thinking of?  Instantly, without missing a beat, 3.  Now I am writing this here because how does he know I was telling the truth when I said he guessed it right?  Maybe he thought I was pretending or trying to make him feel better.  I wish I had written those things down.  I just didn't really expect him to guess them.

So, that blew my mind, but now that I'm thinking about it more...it's actually a little unsettling.  How?  How did he know?  How could he possibly?  I can't read HIS mind.  I mean, I can pick up on his emotions.  I can feel his feelings. But, I can't think his thoughts.  I feel like I was just playing around, skipping through a puddle, and all of a sudden shit got deep.  This is for REAL, yo.  And as awesome as exciting as it is...well, it's also hard to accept!  Hence, cognitive dissonance.  My brain is trying SO HARD to rationalize it away.  It isn't working, so I'm feeling a touch mad.  I'm sure it'll go away.

Things are going absolutely fantastic.  I haven't written in a while, but I decided after yoga to sit down and sip on some kombucha and update my blog.  I'm hooked, this stuff is GOOD.  Tristan hates it, but that's probably for the best. Then he won't drink it all :)  It's expensive!  I'm going to start brewing my own, though.  I'm very excited.  I love making things!

The ugliness has reared its head a few times.  I've talked about it before, I'm sure.  Maybe not in this blog.  There's this other side of me, I call her the Seether.  You know, after the Veruca Salt song.  It's that ugliness.  I try to shove her down, but she pops up.  I try to stuff her back in but she emerges every so often, gnashing her wicked teeth.  She hurts people.  She wounds relationships.  I can't control her, and she leaves behind a wake of destruction that I'm always left to clean up, apologize for, and try to explain.  I can't.  I can't tame her, I can't kill her, I just try to hide her.  

But anyway, when she DOES come out, usually she's greeted with disgust and rejection by those she lashes out at, and that somehow seems to validate her thoughts of unworthiness.  She wants to be so unlovable just so people will prove that she is unlovable.  Whatever you believe to be true, you will create the circumstances to confirm those beliefs.  It's stupid.

But now I feel like she's healing.  Not disappearing, but she has felt seen.  She has felt accepted.  She made an appearance a few times...3?  4?  It's the test phase of the relationship.  I do so well at the beginning but eventually I crack.  From the beginning, I always fear the part where that is going to happen, and the inevitable subsequent demise of the relationship.  

This time, though, my shadow was greeted with love, acceptance, and understanding.  Rather than shove down these ugly fears, knowing they would continue to pop up, Joth helped me address them.  We talked through them.  I felt them, I expressed them, and they went away.  It feels so much better.  I feel so much more whole.  No matter what happens between us, I will always be thankful that he came into my life, because I have grown and healed more in the last 2 months than during any other period of my life.  He makes my heart sing :)

Okay, well it's 10.  I'm going to bed, more tomorrow!