I feel like I need a different theme. I mean, there are still plenty of goddesses. But it's a new phase, so I should have a new theme. I'll think about that.
Clearly, I am beginning another (hypo)manic episode. The nice thing about being depressed is that I don't go quite as low anymore. Maybe I don't get quite as high with the mania, but that's okay. You hit a certain point and you start getting reckless, anyway. Across that line is lost jobs, squandered paychecks, and relationships destroyed. I'm okay right here on my mildly euphoric/slightly agitated island. It sucks, though, because where was this energy when I needed it??? I was mildly depressed for the past week and all I wanted to do was sleep. I had to get out of bed and go to work, which is a miracle in itself that it happened. Now that I have a day off...oh, I've been up since six. Raring to go. Ready to blog.
I'm excited for today, though. After I finish blogging, I'm going to do yoga, then I'm going to take a shower and get pretty because at 10:30 is church (don't fall out of your chair, I'll explain in a minute) then a reiki share afterwards with some people from my reiki class. My "soul family". We may not get to choose the family we are born into, but I am definitely in the process of discovering my tribe.
So, this church. It's the Spiritualist First Church of Truth. I went two weeks ago. Amanda, reiki sister, had told me about it so I went to check it out. Oh. My. Goddess. So, first, the pastor is a medium. There are like six or seven other mediums in the congregation, which is small. And a few healers. They have two healing chairs at the front of the church. Two healers (one of them was Amanda when I went) each stand behind a chair and during the service the members of the congregation take turns going up and getting reiki.
And the service? Well, that begins with a guided chakra balancing meditation. Ohhhhhh so cool! Then at the end, everyone draws a number and each medium takes turns drawing corresponding numbers and giving readings. So. So. Cool! Anyway, so Amanda, Seth, April, and I are going today. Then we are having a reiki share at Amanda's house. I'm very excited because I really feel like I could use some reiki. I do my self-healing every day, but you know how it is.
And actually, I lied. I HAVEN'T been doing it every day. In fact, this latest slump hit me pretty hard. Normally, my routine is that I do yoga every day, and do my self-healing during savasana. I don't know whether's it's okay to multi-purpose like that, but that's what I do. I haven't been struck with lightning by the yoga gods or the reiki gods yet, so I presume it's not illegal.
I haven't done yoga in a week. Shhhhh! I feel so gross! The thing is, though, it almost makes me wonder who I am right now. I identify so much with what I DO. I am not those things. I'm a reader, I'm a yogini, I'm a healthy/organic eater, whatever. What if I don't read or do yoga for a week? What if I skip my green smoothies for a while? What if I ate a McDonald's chicken wrap and fries? Who am I, then? Of course this is a stupid line of thinking. I'm still me, but who is THAT, anyway? Which leads me to my next point.
When we say, "I am...", whatever comes after that becomes true for us. So yesterday, when I was reading that book and came to the horrifying conclusion that I must be a narcissist, was I making it so because I declared it? Or is it denial if I refuse to accept the label? The thing is, I've been thinking a lot about my family since last night. Undoubtedly, we all have a lot of narcissistic traits. But we're lovable. We're still good people. There are many great things about my mom, but she does try to control family members, specifically her children, well into adulthood. I don't know if I've ever heard her apologize. I remember my dad did once. It's the only time I remember, because he came into my room awkwardly and sat on my bed and said he was sorry for something. What, I don't remember.
I think he tries. I think he can't get out of his shell, just like I can't get out of mine. I think he wants to reach out, but he's a prisoner of his own insecurity. I see it, and I have compassion for it, because it's my story too. Nobody wants to be this way. We all want healthy, fulfilling, mutually satisfying relationships. Realizing that I have these flaws is only an advantage, because now I can take the steps to work on it. Anyway enough talking about that.
A lot has happened since I was writing before, but to summarize, I'm staying strong. I stopped talking to Jason, just because I honestly can't handle the temptation of being around someone who does that and besides I know how he feels about me now and it isn't mutual. Ramiro called me a few nights ago! Oh my gosh. So first, he called when I was picking up groceries. I have no idea what the purpose was. He just wanted to tell me about how he's having fun partying every weekend and going out dancing. Coooooool. We haven't talked for three weeks and all of a sudden you feel like it's important enough to call me for the sole purpose of letting me know how awesome your life is???? Weird.
I think really that he was thinking maybe I still had feelings for him. And he'd call, and stir them up, just to gain some kind of sick pleasure from sending my emotions into a tailspin. Which totally would have happened, if I had any kind of emotional attachment to him anymore. But, I don't. He called me a couple nights later to tell me he is moving back to L.A. I think he thought (hoped) I would be sad. I told him that is the best idea, because his kids are there, and their childhoods won't last forever. I asked him what he is accomplishing here, and told him he's just wasting his time and he needs to go be a dad to his kids.
He said he didn't think we would break up, and I just came out with it and told him we didn't even have a connection anyway, we had nothing in common, and that I cared about him but I could never be "in love" with him. He seemed really surprised by that. Hurt, almost. I don't know why.
There are other things. Awesome things. Special things. I don't want to jinx anything right now so I'll keep them to myself for now. Life is really super awesome though. I mean, today will be great. Tomorrow, work, meh. I'm doing great at work, though! Then Tuesday...:) :) :) yes, Tuesday will be fantastic. Then I am going to the Loving Kindness Tour (the public viewing of the Buddha's relics downtown) on Thursday. Then there's Art Prize. We have a new moon and an autumnal equinox upon us. I am happy, so so so so happy. !!!
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