I lied.

This may be nothing more than self-indulgent blabbering, but I need this.  Maybe every entry is about me, and things about my life no one cares about.  But I don't write here to impress anyone else -- I write here because I need to.  Writing is my outlet, this is my therapy, and if I don't release all the things bouncing around inside my head...they come out in other, undesirable ways.

So I'm not leaving.  Today I had an epiphany, and I need to talk about it.  I can't go around boring all the people in my life with incessant rambling about my life.  So I come here, let it out, and pretend someone is listening.  Then I feel better.

I think in the back of my mind, I have known this for some time.  I have intensely resisted and remained in a state of denial, but how can I ever fix it if I can't accept it?  I'm a fucking narcissist.

Oh my god, I hate myself.  This is the worst news ever.  The thing is, I didn't know it could be true because I always assumed a narcissist was someone who didn't care about others, and who had an inflated sense of self-worth.  I do love other people.  I may be uncomfortable expressing it, and feel very awkward trying to demonstrate my affection, but it's there.  I love everyone so much.  And myself?  I don't think I'm superior to anyone.  I think that's pretty obvious, I struggled a long time with feelings of unworthiness and accepting only the version of "love" that I thought I deserved, which wasn't love at all.

But it's true.  The funny thing is, I had these books anonymously shipped to my ex-husband's house this past winter.  I blogged about it.  They are all about love addiction and narcissism.  I assumed they were from Noe, but something inside me tells me that it was a member of my own family.  Which is hilarious, because now that I'm actually reading them...it sounds like more  than one of my family members should probably take some notes, too.  

It's so easy to point the finger.  I look at my brother and his wife, and it's easy.  Narcissists, totally and completely.  Blair blames everyone else but himself for everything wrong in his life and Rachel couldn't apologize to save HERS.  She can't handle criticism, makes negative gossipy hurtful comments about others, and is so VAIN.  I have always seen this.  But me?  No.

Some of the questions in one of the books, though, has me thinking twice.  The book, by the way, is called "You Might Be A Narcissist If...".  The first ten don't apply to me at all, and I'd admit it if they did.  They are do I have empathy, can I admit when I'm wrong, do I categorize others as superior or inferior to myself, do I realize I'm not perfect, do I talk about others behind their backs in a way that puts them down, am I shocked or angry when others express an opinion that is different from my own, do I exert excessive control over others, do I feel envious of others or think they are envious of me.

Relieved, so far.  Then I turned the page.  Do I take pride in being able to do things without the help of others, and do I believe that to need help from others makes one weak?  I swear, sometimes I'd sooner die than admit I need help.  Do I feel safest psychologically when I'm alone?  Look at my life.  Alone, alone, alone.  Make plans to hang out with others, then cancel.  Because, intimacy.  Do I feel threatened psychologically when I am becoming attached to another person?  YES.  Hence, my famous disappearing act.  First, though, I'll find some excuse to run away so I can feel okay about it.  A little lie, a small mistake.  When I experience failure, do I experience strong feelings of self-loathing or self-contempt?  Oh my goddess.  I will berate myself for weeks over a stupid thing I said.  I will obsess over every mistake I made, replaying it in my head, cringing with shame.  

Anyway, it wasn't really the list that broke me down.  It was the chapter where they explain what it's like coming from a narcissistic family, and how we later go on to form relationships with others who came from the same circumstances because it's all we know.  One, injured from narcissistic family members, seeks out another -- one who has taken on the narcissism that was modeled by THEIR family members.  I never could have believed my family was narcissistic.  I love them!

But they won't talk to me when I do something they don't agree with.  I'm kicked out of the family if I dare make a decision that goes against what they think I should do.  I remember being in the same room as my dad at Thanksgiving, and he looked right through me.  Like I didn't exist.  How he didn't talk to me for 3 years when I was with Andrew, and 2 years when I was with Noe.  I only get approval and affection when I am acting in accordance with their ideas for me.  

Obviously, my brother took on these traits, and married someone else who did.  She probably grew up that way too.  The book says we are all doing the best we can, so maybe they are.  Maybe I am.  I hate it that I interrupt, and that I don't call, that I don't reply to  texts, that I don't demonstrate affection.  I hate that people probably think I don't love them.  But, fuck that!  Am I just a victim of my circumstances?  Have I not overcome bigger issues than this?  We're ALL broken.  No one is beyond hope.  I'll accept this as a challenge and work really, really, REALLY hard to make this stop now, with me.