Chakrasana

Haha.  Well, pride goeth before the fall, right?  This morning, I was doing yoga and since I had been so BENDY last time, I got a little cocky in wheel pose and I thought, "Hey, I bet I could grab my ANKLES".  Then I fell.  Whoops, I guess not.  Anyway it went well, my muscles were a little sore today from jumping back in two days ago after taking a week off.  I liked it, though.  I like feeling the pain in my muscles.  I like feeling like I DID something.

In savasana/reiki self healing (I have decided it's okay for me to combine the two), the floodgates burst open (as they are apt to do during yoga anyway).  I think you can tell when I'm manic because I use parentheses more.  Also, when I'm texting, I use more emoticons and put extra letters in words.  Like, heyyyyyyyyyy!  It's so hottttttttt outsidddddddddddddde.  Then when I'm low, you just don't hear from me at all.

But anyway, the Universe speaks, if only we pay attention.  There was the sermon at church about forgiveness with special focus on SELF forgiveness.  There was the conversation afterward with April and Amanda -- I told them my hands get burning hot whenever I work on my sacral chakra, like I'm touching a stove.  I couldn't figure out the issue.  Amanda said she had a similar experience and after a few months, came to discover that for her, it was shame.  Then on Facebook, of course, all of these posts have been popping up pertaining to forgiveness.  I thought I forgave myself.  The pastor at church said the way you can tell if you have forgiven someone is to pay attention to how you feel when you think of them.  What emotions arise?

I laid on my back.  At first, I was happy.  I was grateful for my body and all it does for me.  I recognized that I was pretty strong for staying away from drugs and temptation, and recognized that not so long ago, I wouldn't have been able to say no.  As soon as I knew someone could get it -- someone with a CRUSH on me, none the less -- I would have exploited that situation to the fullest extent.  I would have been back under.  I allowed myself this moment to be proud of myself -- but then my mind turned to when I COULDN'T (didn't) say no, and the things I did.  I became filled with shame.

I said, Christine, you've got to forgive myself.  And then, it was like the scared shamed little girl inside replied, afraid that if I forgive myself it means I'm not sorry.  I'm crying again as I type this.  I told myself (or the little girl self) that me holding on to this shame and self-loathing isn't helping anyone I hurt.  Holding a grudge against myself doesn't fix any of the bad things I did, and forgiving myself for what I did doesn't mean I'm not sorry.  I almost feel like I owe it to these people to continue beating myself up.  What right do I have to be happy, when I have caused so much pain?  But will MY pain lessen THEIRS?  No.  

I looked at me in every bad situation I've been in for the last ten years, found some compassion, forgave myself.  It was hard, harder than I thought it would be.  Especially because I thought I had already done it.  I knew that I was doing the best I could with what I had, but saying that made it feel like I was making excuses for myself.  That doesn't mean what I did was okay.  That doesn't mean I can do whatever I want and say, "Oh, I'm doing the best I can".  It DOES mean that I know I never wanted to hurt anyone.  That I do have a good heart and I do love the people in my life.  That whatever I did to them was completely about me and my inability to deal with pain, and nothing to do with them.  

Learning to deal with pain takes practice.  We're bound to get it wrong sometimes.  Sometimes we project, sometimes we blame, sometimes we escape, sometimes we deny.  The important thing is, when we know better,  to DO better and let the past go.