Iris

I chose Iris today because I just read a post on Facebook about Rainbow Warriors.

Okay that was yesterday and I wrote one sentence before I got distracted and started doing something else.  I'm in one of those manic moods where I'm in a great mood, I feel super creative and motivated, and I have boundless energy with little agitation.  If only it could stay like THIS. 

I thought to myself yesterday as I scrubbed my shower with homemade soft scrub (baking soda, castile soap, a little water, and some lime essential oil) while my laundry was going and my kitchen had been cleaned...in my manic cleaning frenzy, I thought, if only I could be like this ALL the time.  And to imagine, possibly some people ARE!  And they probably can't understand others without the same drive.  Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don't -- it can't be forced.  So I decided to make the most of it and cleaned my little heart out :)

I have come to love sweating.  I'm not sure what happened, but I look forward to sweat dripping down my face and my chest while I do yoga.  Weird, isn't it?  I know that it wasn't so long ago that I decided hot yoga wouldn't be my thing.  Now I'm all about it -- I even wear my thick yoga pants instead of shorts so I'll sweat more.  It feels purifying.

I'm still making progress; always making progress.  I've been watching a dharma talk every week and learning a lot about mindfulness...I mean, much more in depth than the basic knowledge we all have.  He has taught me some things that have become useful in my every day life, and I use them and have noticed a benefit.  I imagine myself as the mountain, and when a bad thought arises, I say, "Oh, here comes a thought about Rachel.  I notice that I feel angry.  I am letting it pass.  It is passing."  Also, he talks a lot about how this body is like a rental apartment, no option for renewal.  I always laugh to myself when he says that.  We want to take care of our apartment, but no matter how much time or money we put into it, we shouldn't get too attached to it because no matter what when the time comes....you gotta go!

Remember how I wondered if I only missed Ramiro because I wanted what I couldn't have?  And I honestly didn't really know?  Well, I have confirmation.  I am just as messed up as I suspected.  He Facetimed with me yesterday and basically told me he wanted to be with me.  (Be careful what you wish for, right?)  And now I don't think I want that anymore.  I mean, I went as far as to try to wish and hope and manifest this very thing.  And maybe I did!  I sent so much energy, begging and pleading with divinity to let this happen.  Now that it has happened, I'm like..."Nevermind".  Really????  Really, Christine?  What the hell is WRONG with you????

He told me he  thought I was playing with him before.  I told him I wasn't, that I was honest about everything I said.  And I was!  I WAS totally honest.  I just kept changing my mind!  So now I don't know what I'm going to do.  I don't want to make an ass out of myself and tell him I really don't want to be with him after all.  And anyway, once I do THAT, with my luck I would regret it two days from now and would be crying into my pillow again.  Grrrrr.  WOMEN, right????

Oh my goddess, 8 days from now I'll be going to Peace Fest!!!  Yeahhhhh buddy.  This is my annual holiday.  There is a slogan or motto or whatever on the Willow Ranch website which reads, "The place your heart calls home".  I couldn't put it any better myself.  Honestly I think my soul has some kind of deep tie and connection to that place.  I dream about it all the time, repeatedly and persistently.  I had dreamed about it before I had ever even been there.  It was one of those deja vu moments upon arriving, but accompanied with that feeling of belonging.  There's some great energy there.

The Willow Ranch has seen me through my marriage to Dwight (which happened AT Peace Fest in 2010) to our marriage falling apart (one year later, due to drugs and lies), to my absence because I was stuck up Noe's ass (even though I wasn't there in 2012, I continued to dream about it...and Noe was in those dreams, playing out scenes of mistrust and jealousy that were buried in my consciousness), then the following year at Hoodilidoo with Vanessa and Shyloh (the best time ever, except that I didn't have any money) then last year Peace Fest with Raul, which I tried to play off as a good time but he tried to keep me in the tent the whole time, kept pulling me away from my friends, and didn't want to do anything I wanted to do.  I felt restricted and tied down, but I loved him (or I was infatuated with him) so I did what he wanted and I resented him later for it because I missed out on so much.

This year I am not bringing a date.  It's going to be the best year yet.  I am beyond excited.  :) :) :)

Okay, it's time to watch Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman.  Later!