Hera

This is Hera, and of course I chose her because I've been feeling all domestic and shit.  This is the wifey goddess, much different than the independent free-loving I-don't-need-a-man do what I want goddesses I usually choose.  However I must confess, I don't think I'll be in Hera mode much longer.

Since the time I last posted, Ramiro and I have broken up and gotten back together and honestly that Aries flame dwindled quick.  I dumped him because he stopped paying enough attention to me.  He didn't like my pictures or my statuses anymore on Facebook, didn't text me as much, called later and later and we talked for shorter and shorter a time.  So, I told him I didn't think it would work out -- honestly hoping he'd try to prove me wrong, beg me to stay, something like that.  But he just let me go, and I drunk texted him the next day, now we're back together and he thinks he's doing me the world's biggest favor by being with me.  *puke*

Now, I love me some fire signs.  I have quickly learned, though (or remembered) that an Aries is very different than a Leo.  Yes, both are passionate/angry.  They burn hot.  Both great in bed.  They both need their ego stroked.  The difference?  A Leo appreciates when you stroke his ego.  He'll stroke yours back.  You pet the lion, he nuzzles up against you and lays his head on your lap.  An Aries, on the other hand, just assumes that you'll kiss his ass because he's the greatest thing ever to grace this earth and never once considers extending some kind of affection to you.  Why?  Who are you?  It's  too bad you're not as awesome, right?  Oh well.  Not everyone can be the best.

I read a quote by Eckhart Tolle the other day that said relationships are not to make us happy, they are to make us conscious.  I would have to say it's true.  In no other situation am I as challenged, as confronted with my shortcomings, as aware of my flaws as I am in a relationship.  For the past year, I've been kidding myself!  I mean, really.  Here I thought I was so evolved.  I got all spiritual, with my books and my yoga and my solitude.  I really believed I was on the road to enlightenment.  All it takes is a relationship to show you all of the ugly parts of you that are still hiding beneath the surface.  

This is definitely work.  But if I approach it as such, it's kind of exciting.  This relationship could be a catalyst for further change.  I could use it to help me improve myself even more, by recognizing and correcting my faults.  I'm not saying it's going to last, but while I'm in in, why not do it consciously?

One thing I have already learned about is that I am not direct when I need something.  I communicate my needs in unhealthy ways.  Like when I feel emotionally neglected, I'll usually just leave, and see if my partner chases me.  If they do, it reassures me that they do want me.  Also, I give too many hints about how I feel instead of coming right out and saying it.  I leave a trail of breadcrumbs leading to the general vicinity of my point, and expect my partner to solve this puzzle.  

I am also learning about controlling my half of the relationship.  I can't spend so much time stressing about the things I can't control -- whether he's talking to someone else, whether he's lying to me, what he's doing when I'm not there.  I don't want to be turned into some jealous crazy paranoid bitch, because who wants that?  All I can control is what I'M doing.  I intend to come from a place of love, every time.  This is not dependent on whether or not he's doing the same.  I am faithful because I'm a faithful person, regardless of whether or not he is.  I'm honest because I'm an honest person, whether or not he lies.  I am kind because it's in my nature, not because I feel like he has earned it.  I always will be kind, honest, and faithful and it will never depend on his kindness, honesty, or fidelity.  That doesn't mean I will stay if he is a lying cheater.  It just means I will maintain my integrity.

The last thing I am learning is not to sacrifice myself on the altar of infatuation.  I still need to do me.  I still need to engage in activities which nourish my soul and make my heart sing.  No stopping yoga.  No forgetting about friends.  No putting the books back on the shelf.  I will not be losing my identity this time.  I will not be selling my soul for love.  I will not stop being me.  Speaking of which, it's time for yoga :)