This isn't so much a "love" goddess as a sex goddess...sex for the sake of pleasure, which in and of itself isn't bad. But. The subtle undertones of Ramiro's energy indicate that, to him, this isn't so much a "love" thing as a sex thing. Which is fine. But that's not where I am right now. I've done that. I'm 32. He made me think he wanted commitment, and his words say that, but his actions contradict that sentiment.
Don't I sound like EVERY woman right now? Oh, he said he wanted commitment, but he said he loved me, why won't he answer my calls??? Yes, I know that I live almost 2 hours away. I still feel like a long distance booty call. Part of my disappointment is that I had EXPECTATIONS for this weekend -- and, as we all know, expectations are the root of all suffering. Well, attachment is -- but expectations are attachment to a specific outcome.
I spent so much time cooking in preparation for his visit, I was so excited. You know that! I imagined that he was just as excited as I was. I imagined that he'd get out of work and just rush right over here, as quickly as he could. That he'd get here and be so happy to see me, give me a great big hug and a passionate kiss. I imagined the warmth I would feel. I imagined he would stay as long as he possibly could, reluctant to leave.
None of those things happened. He got here late. He told me at around 3 that he wouldn't be here until 7:30 or 8, no explanation. He got here, and when I joyously ran outside to meet him, the most lame hug ever. Then like he was in a hurry to get inside. No huge smile. No feeling of warmth. Dinner was in the oven and we made out but something felt off. So finally I asked him if something was on his mind, and he seemed surprised that I could tell. But then he lied and said it was his back hurting. How can you say you love a woman but don't tell her what you think and how you feel?
Anyway, we had dinner and he told me he was going to have to leave early to go meet with his pastor Sunday night. I was so upset, I drank the entire bottle of red wine. I had dinner planned for Sunday night, breakfast for Monday morning. This was not on the agenda. Of course, I played it off like it was okay. But I was really hurt. We get to see each other once a week, and this is my only Sunday off in the foreseeable future. And you'd give that up? I gave up PEACE FEST for you! And you can't meet with your pastor a different day? Am I really not that important to you? And of course, feeling dumb that I made him such a priority when it clearly wasn't mutual.
And of course, there was also the niggling little doubting voice in the back of my mind suggesting that maybe he isn't meeting with his pastor after all. He's probably lying. The twins are in disagreement, now. One twin wants to marry him and have his baby. The other thinks he's a lying cheater just like every other man on this planet and wants to RUN, far and fast, NOW.
Sunday, we went to the mall. It became apparent how different we were. He's all about the expensive sunglasses, leather jackets, expensive shoes. Status symbols. Materialism. I'm so far from that, the only store I have any desire to buy anything in is Barnes and Noble -- and even then, I cringe paying full price when I know I could get the same book for under 5 bucks on half.com. Are we really aligned with the same values?
I'm sorry this whole entry is about my relationship, but I'm mentally working things out. So anyway, we watched a movie at the mall. He made a comment about how he hates to be bored so he always wants to go do stuff. I used to be the same. I was running away from myself. Distracting myself from my thoughts and real work. So, I don't judge, but how are we going to get along when the majority of my life is spent being what he would consider boring? I stay home and read, meditate, do yoga, and watch documentaries. I get out every now and then, but it's to enrich myself -- sister circle, book club, family. When he does, it's also to distract himself with material pleasures. Drinking, dancing. I feel like he is so in this world, and I am so not.
After the movie, we went to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch the soccer game. That was actually pretty good. When I was with Brian, it was always football (Lions). Borrrrringgggg. When I was with Dwight, it was baseball (Tigers). SUUUUUPER BORRRRRRING. But, as ADD as I am, soccer actually kept my interest. I found myself really getting into it, and of course being like 85% German, I was super happy that Germany won. So that part was fine. But then again, I'm not really a sports girl. It seems so trivial compared to the other things in life.
So where do we stand? He likes stuff, and distraction, and sports. He wants to live a superficial materialistic existence. I want to go deeper. I don't care about stuff. In fact, last week I threw out about 3 garbage bags full of extra STUFF that we just don't need anymore. But here's the dangerous part. He wants a baby. I want a baby. Would I give up my soul to have one?
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