Aeval

Today, I chose Aeval.  Originally I chose her just because she is a fairy goddess, and of course I'm obsessed with fairies.  However, I also learned a rather interesting tidbit about her which made me giggle:
Irish. Also Aebhel. A Goddess and Munster queen who held a midnight court to hear the debate on whether the men of her province were keeping their women sexually satisfied. She deemed that men were both prudish and lazy, and commanded that they bow to the women's sexual wishes.

But seriously, enough with the man-hating, I guess.  I do have a boyfriend.  :)  Ramiro asked me yesterday and I said yes.  I wasn't 100% sure at first, but chapter 5 in my book (Women Who Run With Wolves) actually addresses this very issue.  I feel like this book was written just for me.  It's powerful.  I'm tired of running.  I'm tired of waiting for the "right time", which, for the ego, will never come.  There will always be an endless supply of excuses or reasons as to why to avoid commitment.  But I want to learn how to really love.  I want to take all the lessons I've learned from my previous failed relationships and actually love better now.  

I want to stop saying, "I'm jealous", "I'm insecure", "I'm fickle", "I always run away", and, "I don't trust any man".  I want to start saying, this is a new man, this is a new relationship, this is a new day.  I am a different person and this is a different opportunity and we're doomed from the start if I insist on punishing him for the transgressions of those who came before him.  And let's be honest, as much as my family would love to blame everyone but me for everything bad that's happened to me, I understand that I made mistakes too.  

Did I deserve to be abused, lied to, or cheated on?  No, but the situations I found myself in were a direct result of the choices I made.  Some of those bad choices may have been failing to establish healthy boundaries, refusing to love and honor myself, and having unrealistic expectations that some man would be able to save me from myself.

So here goes a brand new start.  We may fail, we may succeed.  All I know is, I'm going to leave the past in the past and do the best I can with what I have.

I'm getting ready to take the kids mini-golfing at the ice cream store.  I was perusing my cupboards earlier and found myself pretty amused -- I notice the organic steel-cut oats, giant jug of organic extra virgin coconut oil, agave syrup and stevia, spirulina, ashwagandha, quinoa, organic maple syrup, sweet potatoes, almond milk, hemp oil, chia seeds, and other healthy organic foods, fruits, and veggies.  

But scattered among them, reluctant to leave, are a few old culprits -- white bread, macaroni and cheese, sour patch kids, hot dogs (the cheapo, really really bad for you kind), processed cheese, and spaghetti-o's.  I try not to get discouraged.  I do the best I can every day, and I am replacing more and more of the old stand-bys with healthier options.  To be honest, eating organic is more expensive.  Also, healthy wholesome eating does take more preparation and work.  

I don't mind, but as someone who has fed her kids a steady diet of hot dogs, grilled cheese, pizza, chicken nuggets, spaghetti-o's, and bologna sandwiches...this big change could not be made in all one step.  It's like crossing over into a whole new world.  I have to know what to buy and what to do with it.  What not to buy, and why not.  It's uncharted territory, but I'm pleased at my progress.  It feels good to be committed to a healthy lifestyle, both physically and emotionally.  :)