https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pib8eYDSFEI
For your listening pleasure. Anyway, I made it home last night, so...yay! Now that I know my license is suspended, I feel like I'm on a countdown. I just have to make it home from work 5 more times before I get paid, then I can pay off that ticket and I'll be in the clear! I was so paranoid last night. I'm really playing a dangerous game -- if I get caught again before payday, my life as I know it is over. But, like I said, I don't have another option. Who is going to pick me up in Wayland at 4, drop me off in Walker, then pick me up in Walker at 2 in the morning and drive me home to Wayland?
Rachel finally responded to my requests (demands) for Tristan to come home. I had sent her a Facebook message after I met with Sue a while back, and then I emailed her when I got my new schedule. She wants to meet up and talk, and that's fine, but I'm not backing down. I told her I'll get a lawyer if I have to and she told me there's no need to threaten her. I guess I shouldn't have gotten defensive before the situation warranted it, but I was so prepared for an argument. I do hope things go well. I really don't want to spend money on a lawyer that I could be spending on my kids.
I notice that my loneliness comes and goes in cycles. There are times that I am perfectly content -- thrilled, in fact -- to have all the time to myself to do what I want. The thought of having a boyfriend or girlfriend, another drain on my energy, an invader in my personal space, is unappealing. But sometimes...well, I think it's just hormones and brain chemicals. We were instilled with the drive to reproduce, which maybe masquerades as the desire for companionship? But, no, that can't be right. Although it may still be purely biological, I think the need for companionship and the urge to mate are sometimes intertwined but other times unrelated. Why else would we want friends? Life isn't always just about survival. I think parts of it are about enjoying the ride.
I have distinct and separate urges -- sometimes, I feel really horny. I find something sexy about everyone I talk to and my imagination runs wild with tawdry fantasies. Sometimes, I desire socialization, bonding with a group. I want to get out and mingle with like-minded people and have deep conversations with other free thinkers and engage in mentally stimulating bonding activities. It's like nourishment for my soul, and the furthest thing ever from sexual. Then there are times, like now, that I feel...romantic. I guess it's the two mixed together, in a way. I don't just view everyone as a sexual object, but I have a craving deeper than what friendship can fulfill. I desire intimacy and bonding, but with one person. I have an ache and a need to feel protected, wanted, cherished by one person. I want to be hugged tight, called "baby", kissed on the forehead. I want someone to drink coffee with me and hold my hand. I want to snuggle up next to someone on the couch. It is during these times that I feel the deepest loneliness. However, I have learned that just picking the first available man or woman to fill that role doesn't always end the way I want. I need to hold out for the right person.
Oh, so remember I was talking about Raul at work (not my ex) and how I had a thing for him? Yeah, well, I don't anymore. He IS freaking gorgeous and has the sexiest voice ever, but his energy is cold. We were all sitting out in the lobby yesterday and he didn't exude any warmth whatsoever. He came off as arrogant to me and it was a total turn-off. However, when his friend Wiltmar (another bilingual supervisor) came out to the lobby to meet him, I was overcome with a completely different vibe. He has such a radiant smile, a warm energy. I really just had the impulse to give him a big hug and lay my head right on his chest. I bet he smells good. I bet he gives great hugs. HE is the kind of guy I could imagine being happy with. He's so sweet, and genuine, and helpful. I'm just daydreaming, don't worry. I'm not going to go around stalking potential candidates at the workplace. ;)
TGIF!! I'm so glad it's Friday. This has been a pretty good week, though. Even though I got pulled over, but it definitely could have been worse. I've had a low-energy bout, but it didn't turn into depression. I didn't do yoga all week because that was extra time I could be sleeping. I have slept a lot, but I haven't let my mood get sucked down. I'm battling the depression, and I'm winning! This is my best winter yet. :)
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