*sigh* I feel a little sad today. I can pretty well gauge my overall mood based on a few clues, and I knew it was coming. Well, I was in "depression potential" mode. I was low-energy, but emotionally balanced. When in that mode, though, I can easily be triggered by environmental factors into a depression. So, I've been sleeping a lot. I haven't done yoga for, what, like two weeks? Something like that. I haven't blogged or Facebooked as much, haven't responded to texts and phone calls in a timely fashion, and my apartment has become a bit cluttered. I was confident I'd come out of it, but now I'm not so sure.
I've been fighting so hard. Changing so much. I'm tired, and discouraged, and overwhelmed. It seems like every time I think I'm turning a corner, I find myself face to face with a brick wall. It's getting hard to stay optimistic. I just keep pushing forward, and forward, tirelessly. But I keep meeting with so much resistance, I just want to cry out.
I'm angry, but I know my anger stems from my hurt. And my hurt originates from that part of me I can't forgive, the guilt over my bad decisions, and my inability to be compassionate toward myself. I wonder if it's too late. If I dug myself into a hole I'll never get out of. I feel so much regret. It's a very 9 of swords feeling.
Yet at the same time, I refuse to give up. I keep holding on. I have to keep believing that hope and faith will prevail, that determination to reach my goals will pay off and the universe favors goodness. THAT is a very 9 of staves feeling. I'm trying so hard to be the best person I can be, to let go of judgement, to be guided by love, to be open-hearted and compassionate toward everyone. I try to make my decisions consciously and with intention and to speak honestly and with conviction.
The problem I have, though, is that I kind of had this unrealistic view of life. Like it's a fairytale, and everyone lives happily ever after. Or a family sitcom, where every issue is resolved within 30 minutes. Maybe in the movies, the good guy never dies. The guy gets the girl. The killer always gets caught and the cold cases get solved. But in real life, well, life's not fair. I can't guarantee that if I apply the formula of living a good life that I will certainly get the end result of happiness or success. At the same time, though, I know that my future is made of the choices I make in the present. Who I am tomorrow comes from what I do today. I can't give up. I can't lose hope.
Maybe I should explain what's triggered this melancholy. I emailed FOC, as I believe I mentioned before. I went to the Allegan county courthouse today and filed my petition to terminate the guardianship. It just so happened that while I was THERE, Barry county FOC had called me regarding my email a few days ago. I was feeling good, high on life. I thought, yeah, no one can hold ME down! I decide what happens in my life! I'm taking the reins, and I'm in control! Then...I listened to the voicemail...and somehow...
Oh, it's just awful. Positively horrible. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, Blair and Rachel have physical custody of Tristan. They have joint legal with Andrew. Guess whose name is MISSING? Mine! I almost had a heart attack. I called her back and explained that I agreed to guardianship in Allegan county TEMPORARILY, while I got my life straightened out. I have emails, texts, Facebook messages stating that they would "never take my son away" and basically calling me crazy or paranoid for ever suspecting they would. (Intuition -- use it!!!) I explained that they filed a motion in Barry county for custody, which should then have been followed by a hearing. I never got notice of any hearing. I never got a copy of a judgement granting them custody, because if I had, I most certainly would have objected. This can't be legal! They can't make these decisions without my input! Where did my rights go????
Shit, I feel like I'm going to be sick. I fucked up so bad and I don't know if I can recover. This is all my fault. All this hard work I've been doing...all these changes I've made...was it all for naught? Is it too late? I don't know what to do now. I just don't know if I have any fight left in me. :'(
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