I'm very tired tonight, but I really wanted to update. Except now that I'm actually in front of my computer, I don't remember what I was going to talk about. Oh yeah I do, never mind. :)
Okay, so I had a lot of good -- no, FANTASTIC days. Life was going pretty swell. But it can't all be sunshine and rainbows all the time, right? We're all going to run into difficulties now and then. Life isn't about avoiding them or eliminating them, but learning how best to deal with them. Into every life a little rain must fall -- what are you going to do? Hold an umbrella? Dance in the rain? Go inside? Complain about getting wet? We all have choices, and these choices shape our lives.
With all that said, I'll make it through. It's been much, much worse. I think one of the biggest contributing factors is this weird emotional funk I suddenly find myself in. It feels exactly like PMS, except of course I just had my period. Oh yeah, I never updated about that. I remember I was so freaked out because it didn't come right on the full moon -- I meditated and visualized rushing red rivers flowing through me, like floodgates opened. Three days late, on the waning moon, it came with a vengeance. To the point where I had a wardrobe malfunction at work, THAT was embarrassing. I mean, a little. It happens, it's part of life, my clothes are from Goodwill so who cares if they're stained, and I'm not the first woman ever to bleed so it's not like this was a freak occurrence. Life happens.
I think people get too uptight over little things, like spilling coffee on their clothes. I do this DAILY. I really don't give a shit -- they were clean when I put them on, coffee spills happen, so what? And hair. What's the big deal about that? I've never understood it. I've seen people gingerly hold up a single strand of hair arm's length away from their body with a distasteful glare as if they're handling fecal matter or something. I shed hair on myself daily, I touch it constantly, why is it suddenly gross if someone else's happens to be in my vicinity? It's just HAIR, for heaven's sake. I mean, do we really want to think about the amount of dead skin cells and microscopic bugs coating every surface imaginable? People are weird. I don't understand why I'M the strange one...
Oh yeah. So I almost forgot to get to the point. (Surprised?) I already mentioned I'm emotional. This started yesterday when I called my insurance to confirm that Sue is in network. She is not, and I have to meet my $1,500 deductible BEFORE they will cover anything. And when they DO, it's only 30%. I started crying right there on the phone. I don't usually connect well with counselors, and Sue is definitely one of a kind. Where am I going to find another counselor like her? NOWHERE! So I'll pay what I have to pay, but I can't afford to until January. Then today, I went over to Juliea's and we worked on a photo album for Sienna and her family. Looking back at those pictures really hit hard. I mean, they were beautiful, and sweet, and perfect. It was just...well, remember when I said I was done with the grieving? I was positive that I was beyond the sadness and that I had reached acceptance and would never feel heartbroken again. I thought I was healed.
I was wrong. Shit, it's like, still RAW. Looking at those pictures...Sienna and I seeing each other for the first time, looking into each other's eyes, the complete peace and trust in her eyes, the absolute joy and amazement in mine. My teary-eyed smile, her cry. Her gripping my finger while she nursed. The serenity in her face as she laid on my chest, never suspecting that she would soon be torn from my arms and not know why. That's what makes me the most sad. There was no way I could make her understand. No way I could explain to her what was going on, prepare her. The only thing she knew is that she was with her mom, and then mom was gone. That must have hurt. I can't even stop crying now. Don't get me wrong, going over and over and OVER that decision, I just can't think of any way either one of us would have been okay if I had kept her. I know that. But she doesn't. And that hurts a lot.
So anyway, with that on my mind, I went to work. It's true that the vibrations you put out attract matching vibrations. I had my worst night on the phone yet. I even had a call that was so frustrating because the account was so messed up and I couldn't figure out how to fix it, that I burst into tears as soon as I put the customer on hold and a supervisor came over to help me. THAT was embarrassing. I couldn't even stop, either. I lost it for a good 30 seconds, and that's a long time when a customer is on hold.
My sister texted me last night to let me know I was a month behind on car insurance. No big deal, I'll pay her two paychecks in a row. My holiday budget was already cramped but I rearranged things to make it work. So, I was working on my budget for hours at work and had JUST gotten it perfected, sure that I am finally okay and I'll just barely scrape by. I was doing great until child support started coming out, but then I adjusted to the new amount. Now insurance is coming out and I have to adjust again. I can still do it, though. But then I got home and checked the mail and there's a letter from the FOC "Income Review Unit". Supposedly they are required to notify you when you qualify to request a review of child support when your income changes...funny, I never got one of those when my income went DOWN, why all of a sudden are they so eager to review it now that I'm making MORE? I'm not requesting a review, so I know if it happens, it's because Brian requested it. I think that may just push me to the breaking point.
What is the universe telling me? What am I supposed to DO? What am I doing wrong??? Shit, I smoke one pack of cigarettes and drink one bottle of wine every week. I pay all my bills. I spend quality time with my kids. Hell, I don't even have to list everything I'm doing, I've done it many times before. My point is, I've never before lived a life so committed, focused, disciplined, and so on the straight and narrow as I am now at this point. I haven't had sex in a month!! I believe in karma, and I'm putting out nothing but my very best every day. I understand that bad things do happen to good people because they are lessons we need to learn. But I just have no clue what it is that I'm supposed to be learning right now. I've paid my dues. I've struggled long enough. I've worked hard and I deserve a life of happiness and abundance. I don't even want much -- I just want to be able to pay my bills, feed my family, and spend every possible moment I can with my kids. I want to contribute to the greater good, spread love, help people. I want to better myself. These all seem like right choices, so why are they leading me to dead ends over and over again?
I don't want to end this on a bad note, so I'm going to close by talking about all that I'm grateful for. I'm grateful that I can afford to buy my kids presents this year, that I am getting contacts, that I'm getting my teeth fixed, that I have an amazing friend like Juliea, that I belong to a bad-ass circle of sisters, that I am living my life in a way I don't have to hide or be ashamed of, that I am healthy, that I do have a job, that my children are healthy and happy, for beautiful sunrises and cloud-streaked skies, for random warm days in December, for the tree Mike gave me, for the cookie ingredients Mom gave me to make with the kids, for beds for the kids and a couch, for optimism, for motivation, for all the love I have for my kids and that they have for me, for yoga, for music, for wisdom, compassion, forgiveness, and growth. I am thankful that I am alive. I am grateful for everything I have and for all the blessings on the way to me. I am grateful that I learned how to take control of my own life and that I no longer feel like a helpless victim but a capable, decisive woman. I am grateful for all those who didn't believe in me, most of all, because they are the ones who inspired me to work that much harder to prove them wrong. :)
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