This is getting kind of silly, but the trend of Taylor Swift songs corresponding to my love life lives on. Her latest radio hit, Everything Has Changed, completely describes how I feel about the guy I'm talking to right now. Like, I just want to know everything about him. I want to know all his thoughts, all his passions, all of his feelings and opinions. He fascinates me. I love his mind and I want to explore every corner of it.
"Come back and tell me why
I'm feeling like I've missed you all this time
And meet me there tonight
And let me know that it's not all in my mind
I just want to know you better know you better know you better now
I just want to know you know you know you"
And, while I AM notorious for instant infatuation, this feels different. I'm confident that I know what I'm talking about because I didn't say that last time, did I? With Raul, a part of me already knew that once the infatuation wore off, there would be nothing there. In this case I'm really excited (scared) that our connection has the potential to go much deeper. I'm not saying I'm in love, because love takes time. I'm saying that if I ever were to FALL in love, I could picture it being with someone like him. One step at a time, though.
I realized today at work, as I was mulling over life and relationships and emotional connections, that I feel more comfortable dating people I am better off without. Why is that? Fear of rejection/abandonment. If you add nothing to my life, I won't be hurt if (when) you reject me. If I really LIKE you, though...then I've got something to lose. I don't really WANT to have something to lose. I want to be untouchable. But if I don't expose myself to the possibility of the depths of despair, how can I ever expect to be able to reach the heights of fulfillment? Ahhhhh, life is so complicated sometimes.
Anyway, in other news....I went to Tristan's Halloween party at his school today. That was really nice, I'm glad I was able to be there. He was super excited to see me, also. As far as mood...well, it's really strange. I think the fact that it is Samhain has a lot to do with my feelings of weirdness. I didn't really want to talk to anyone today. It's not that I was in a BAD mood...I just, didn't feel completely in the world, I guess. I took a short nap, as I always do, and a very strange sensation came over me.
I fell quickly into a deep sleep, and my body felt electrically charged, and I was simultaneously aware of the external world at the same time I was "under". Then, I completely transitioned to some deeper level, like I do in the "coma-sleep" that I get every now and then. Dead to the world, left my body type of thing. Couldn't wake me up with an atomic bomb. Then, I returned to the buzzed, light, floaty asleep but aware feeling, and then I woke up. It reminded me of that night last year when I woke up in the middle of the night, alarmed that my spine felt electrified and my body was vibrating. This wasn't quite as intense, instead of a vibration it was more a light tingly buzzing throughout my whole body, but it definitely felt..."other-worldly".
I took advantage of the excellent opportunity to do a tarot reading as well today, being that the veil between worlds is at its thinnest. Of course, the subject was this guy. I did three cards: what will he be to me, what will I be to him, and what will we be together. In that order, they were the 3 of Cups, King of Staves, and Strength. I was disappointed that I didn't feel that direct Universal link and instant clarity as I sometimes do, I didn't have an immediate intuitive understanding of the spread. This is going to be one of those readings that I'll look back on in the future and say, "Aha! That totally makes sense now..."
Emotionally today I felt very high-anxiety. I didn't need as much coffee to keep me up through my shift, but instead of a pleasant confident/gregarious manic energy, I felt more of a nervous jumpy/anxious energy instead. I felt uneasy and on the verge of a panic attack. My heart was also doing that funny thing where it beats irregularly and I felt like maybe I had too much adrenaline running through me. I was planning on drinking wine tonight, but it's already 3:00 AM and I'm planning on going to bed after I finish this.
Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday!!!! (Well, technically today is, but...you know) :)
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