Oh dear goddess I swear on the full moon and my precious children and all that is holy, I CAN.NOT.BE.PREGNANT! Okay I know I'm probably just overreacting. I HOPE. Because, see, ovulation/fertility normally occurs 2 weeks before you get your "monthly gift". I get mine on the full moon, which means I ovulate on the new moon. I have had all the normal PMS symptoms, so I wasn't worried, but the full moon was yesterday and it isn't here yet. Not necessarily a cause for concern, except for two things -- I started puking my guts out tonight, and I DID have sex right ON the new moon.
Now, I'm no fool. We used protection and I have to think the chances are extremely slim that this is morning sickness. I do get symptoms before my period that mimic pregnancy sometimes, such as nausea. I mean, I've been crampy, hungry, and bitchy. I'm probably just hyper-conscious because I'm sick. And because I had sex two weeks ago. But seriously, let's play devil's advocate...what if I AM? Shit, that would be THE WORST EVER! I can NOT have a baby with Emmanuel. It just can't happen. Not only that, but I was at our family holiday gathering yesterday and my sister told me that she and my mother had come to the conclusion that Holly and I broke up.
I was caught off guard, unsure of how to answer. My family is pretty conservative, and although I'm sure they have their suspicions about me, may not accept my involvement in same sex relationships. I just decided to be honest, though -- I mean, really, what else have I got to lose? I told her the truth and to my great shock, she didn't judge me or shoot me a disapproving glare or any of that. I was really surprised that she seemed relatively accepting. That gives me a whole new level of freedom and security in knowing that whatever healthy relationship I pursue, I may have my family's support. That really changes things. But this...oh, this could REALLY throw a wrench in the works. I'm going to try not to get too worked up because it's only one day. Crossing my fingers...
In other news, Sienna's parents updated her picture on their Facebook page and added a family photo. I think of all the research I did, and all the people I talked to, and all my fears and worries about whether I was doing the right thing. At the end of the day, though, decisions should be based on what you feel in your heart and what brings you a feeling of peace regardless of what anyone tells you, studies and testimonies, research and doubts, any of it. After 8 months, it feels like the hardest part of the grief process is over. I have surrendered, and accepted, and whenever I see her pictures it reinforces that peaceful certainty that things are just as they should be. Sometimes, even the right path gets bumpy. Sometimes, even the best decision is hard. Sometimes the biggest blessings still come with a side of sadness, but the trick is identifying the root of the feeling and understanding the difference between grief and regret. Parting with a loved one hurts, regardless of the circumstances. Recognizing that while accepting that of my available options, it was still the best one, is helpful.
I feel so much love and appreciation for them in being exactly the parents I hoped they would be, and loving her just as I hoped they would. I see the family they have made together and there is no doubt in my mind that she fits. And she belongs. And I'm okay with that.
I'm about to enjoy a glass of Menage Trois wine. My mom gave me the whole bottle yesterday because she had bought it and didn't like it. It's a blend of cabernet, merlot, and zinfandel. The only thing that would make it better would be if it were cabernet, merlot, and shiraz...but it's still very delicious. Good night, all, and happy full moon!
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