Tori Amos...that's my chick. I feel like I've expressed my profound admiration for her before, so I won't get into idol worship this time around. ;) Annnnnywayyyyyy, this is going to be an EXTRA wine night. I have so much going through my head, I feel overwhelmed. I told myself on the way home (that's when I do a lot of my thinking, on the road at 2 AM) that I am grateful for everything that is going on and reassured myself that I can handle anything that comes my way. With trust will come clarity. With patience will come resolution. I just need to continue to be authentic and genuine and never stray from the path that I know in my heart is right for me.
Sorry if I wax emotional, the wine is already starting to hit me. I feel warm and happy, but no less confused. First, there's work. I was SO MAD, I usually get the highest score on the assessments. On our final today, I missed the high score by ONE QUESTION! Patrick beat me! I was happy for him, though. A little healthy competition is motivating as long as you don't let it get in the way of friendships, and at the end of the day realize it isn't that big of a deal who's in first place as long as you're all doing your best.
Wow, this raspberry cabernet is really delicious. I wish you could taste it through the computer. You can't, though, so take my word for it. :) So tomorrow at work is our mock call, which is the reason for the excessive consumption tonight. I'm nervous as hell. I don't feel ready and I'm so terrified. At the same time, I know that I'm more than capable and I have just as good a chance at complete success as anyone else does -- maybe more! The only thing getting in my way is ME. I wish I could just relax. And anyway, in the end, really...it's just a JOB. In the grand scheme of things, how important IS this mock call?
So I'm sort of distancing myself from Emmanuel. It isn't his fault. I know that sounds like the "it's not you, it's me" line, but it's true. I knew this about myself going into it, and to be fair, I told him too. The thing is, I don't want to want anything from him. Then I can be disappointed. I don't want to feel anything that I would be sad to lose. I don't want to feel so good that I become dependent on the source of the pleasure. I thought I was okay, I tried to stay detached. Then all of a sudden, today it just hit me like a sickness. I kept thinking about him, how his arms felt wrapped around me, the way he smelled, the sound of his voice...AHHHH FUCK I hate when this happens. So of course the only thing I can do now is back off until this girly bullshit goes away.
I know it's because we had sex. Damn that oxytocin anyway. I thought I could be stronger than my hormones and brain chemicals, but I see that I am powerless against them once again. There is no way that I can trust a man to have any control over my emotions. I just can't do it. So unfortunately, as great as he is, I'm bailing out.
My first glass of wine is empty and I feel like this is a good place to stop. Oh but HOLD UP, I have one important question. I look at the stats of my blog, just out of curiosity. I don't care if nobody is reading it or one hundred million people are reading it (although I'm definitely not deluded enough to believe that is at all realistic). The thing is, it surprises me how many views these posts get. I don't even know who in the hell could be reading this! I haven't shared this blog with anyone I know, and who out there in internet land would care about the things I have to say? It kind of boggles my mind a little bit. Besides THAT, someone +1's almost all of my entries....and I have no idea who it is. I mean, it doesn't matter, but....well it just makes me wonder. Anyway I'm going to watch this show about nothing (literally, it is a documentary about the nature of "nothing" or the space between subatomic particles or what ever.) I'll give you a better description after I've watched it. Tomorrow. Ciao!
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