Brian is paid off, my electric bill is paid, my car insurance is paid, the sweat lodge retreat is paid, and I have enough left to do laundry, buy groceries, and put gas in my car. I feel totally awesome. To top it all off, I get to see the kids tomorrow and I miss them so much. I'm glad I hung in there -- there were a few times I felt like just giving up, but I have to believe in myself. I can do whatever I think I can do!
I realized something about myself today that I found interesting. I wonder if I am alone in this, or if everyone shares this odd trait. Here's the thing -- for anything I do, I have at least three reasons. I never really know which one is the REAL reason, or if they all play a part in my overall decision, or if I actually have one real reason but I justify my decision but convincing myself it was for another, more acceptable reason. Does that make sense? Of course not. I shall illustrate.
We were all sitting out on the floor where we were getting ready to take calls. Brian, our trainer, needed to sit in one of the 3 seats that Mike, Kate, and myself were sitting in. Immediately, I volunteered. I guess I didn't really register what my reason was, but I felt a bit self-conscious when he pointed out how quickly I had volunteered and teased me about not wanting to sit next to Mike and Kate. I sat next to Brenda and told her I just didn't want to sit next to Mike because I felt like I would be tempted to ask too many questions. Then I told Lori that I hadn't wanted to sit next to Brian (which is true, having a trainer sit next to you while you're taking your first few calls is very nerve-wracking). Then I told Kate that I had done it because I knew that logging off one computer and logging back into another would buy me some time before I had to take my first call.
I didn't lie to anyone, those things were all true. But I caught myself wondering what my real reason actually was. I realized I didn't even know! I notice that I do that a lot. Like with Holly. I told Shy that I didn't want to date her because she was married and if her husband made her choose, she'd always (understandably) choose him and I'd be left in the cold. True. I told her that I just needed to focus on my kids right now and I'm so one-track-minded that being in a relationship had diverted too much of my attention. Also true. I told Emmanuel that I just hadn't connected with her in the way that I wanted to connect with someone. True again. So which is it? What was the real reason? I don't think I even know.
The last example is with Emmanuel. First, I saw that he was in a relationship -- but let's be honest. You're my blog, and I confide in you no matter what I tell other people. That wasn't a deal breaker -- I was hoping he'd explain it to my satisfaction and everything would be fine. Then I told Jason that I didn't think it would work out because he doesn't have a car or his own place. Yeahhhhh, those are issues...but I really hadn't even written him off completely for that. I made the decision after the third time he didn't answer my call. But I quickly decided that I was doing it because he wasn't being real with his girlfriend and it made me worry about what kind of person he really is. In this case, I think the real reason is rejection, but the rest of the reasons are valid as well.
Maybe the truth is that I just make decisions based on intuition without ever really knowing exactly why. Then later, observing the situation as if from the outside, I just make best guesses as to what my reason must have been. I don't think I ever know. It's weird, isn't it? In any case, I'm glad I'm following my intuition more these days. It hasn't let me down yet. :)
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