I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad; I got sunshine, in a bag; I'm useless, but not for long; the future, is coming on...

I'm sure it's pretty clear what happened.  The struggle I have with using a journal to keep track of my moods from day to day is that I rarely have the motivation to write when I dip into a low.  I think I'm missing out on a lot of useful information, a whole other perspective which might help me more.  Still, though, it's the nature of the beast.  If I had the energy to write, well, I wouldn't really be that bad off, would I?  At least we can measure the time between postings to know how long a low lasts.

It wasn't, like, TERRIBLE.  I was aware, and I noticed a distinct change in my energy.  It was like one bad thing happened and everything else started to follow suit.  I know we attract what we focus on, and that's why starting a day off with a negative thought can have a snowball effect by attracting more negativity.  Just knowing this, though, wasn't enough to reverse the tide.  

I really think I did everything I knew to do to increase my positivity, but it was like a slow roll to the bottom of the hill and I was just in the barrel.  At least it wasn't devastating.  I did what I could to focus on things I am grateful for, look at the silver lining, keep my head up, and never give up.  I was using all my techniques, they just weren't quite touching it.  First, I stopped doing yoga.  Then, I started sleeping more.  Then, I went incommunicado -- posting less on facebook and failing to respond to calls or texts.  My numbers at work started dropping.  I started having bad hair days.  My car started acting funny.  I got so discouraged, I knew that the onslaught of unfortunate events was set into motion by me.  But how to reverse it...well, I couldn't really figure that one out.

I think everything really came to a head when Blair and Rachel got the notice of hearing to terminate the guardianship.  It arrived, as luck would have it, on Christmas Eve.  One day before we were all to go to my parents' house and have a family Christmas together.  At first, my brother was yelling and Rachel was being a total bitch.  She was sending me these texts saying if I want to fight dirty, they can bring up my past.  (Really?  I thought we were a team...now that you see I'm serious about taking MY OWN CHILD back, your true colors show...interesting.)  

Blair, at first, said he was going to go for full custody and said I wouldn't see my son until we went to court.  Although I knew that dick move would backfire on him in court, keeping my son from  the mother he adores for no good reason but to spite me for daring to want to be a mother, it was Christmas Eve.  It was awful.  I felt trapped, and scared, and everything was surreal.  I felt like I was in a movie.  Then, my brother called back and apologized for losing his temper.  Here's where the story I tell everyone else and the story I know to be the actual truth diverge.

When he called back, I know he was just putting on his "good cop" act.  I really believe this whole thing was set up from the beginning, that they always had the intention of going for custody, that this was set into motion and orchestrated long ago, and their secret meetings with the lawyer without me and the mysterious paper filed without a hearing are part of some underhanded scheme to pull one over on me.  

If I fight them, though, and don't win...how much emotional damage would it do to my son?  Because you know, after pissing them off, if they have to win like that they'll be spiteful.  Am I really that confident that I can beat them?  I know there's no reason I shouldn't have custody.  I have reached out to several lawyers and tried to formulate a plan.  But now I'm faced with a decision -- pay for a lawyer, risk Andrew getting 50/50 custody or worse, them getting full custody, tearing my family apart (because no one knows what snakes those two are but me) or swallow my pride and concede, only for the sake of my son.  I couldn't bear for him to withstand any more trauma.  But I am desperately praying and sending out energy that something else will happen.  I have never wanted divine intervention in my life so much as at this moment.

We talked about it at Christmas and made a plan to transition Tristan back to me by summer.  Since I'll have Tuesdays and Wednesdays off, I'll start by picking him up Monday after work and keeping him until Wednesday night, taking him to school Tuesday and Wednesday.  When I get paid Friday, the first $100 is going toward them so they can't ever say I've done nothing for him (even though Rachel has refused every time I've offered her money -- and I know that was just so she would be able to say I never gave them money).  If they don't end up holding up their end of the bargain, I can take them to court at that time, prepared with a lawyer.  For now, I've agreed to cancel the hearing.

The only thing that gives me any solace about them trying to steal my child is that they are at least taking good care of him.  They may hate me, and I can't say they are my favorite people either, but we DO all love Tristan.  I know he wants to live with me, and I want him to live here too.  I know that he has a good life but he lives with the same stress that I do about being separated from each other.  But no one knows what tomorrow will bring, and all I can do is continue to put forth my very best effort to be the very best mother I can be, and ignore Rachel's bitchy criticisms because I know her issues with me are more about her than they are about me.  Nothing is ever good enough for her, and I don't care about impressing her anyway.  I know I'm more than good enough for my kids, and that's all that matters.

It's been a long December, and there's reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last...

...I can't remember all the times I've tried to tell myself to hold on, to these moments as they pass...

*sigh*  I feel a little sad today.  I can pretty well gauge my overall mood based on a few clues, and I knew it was coming.  Well, I was in "depression potential" mode.  I was low-energy, but emotionally balanced.  When in that mode, though, I can easily be triggered by environmental factors into a depression.  So, I've been sleeping a lot.  I haven't done yoga for, what, like two weeks?  Something like that.  I haven't blogged or Facebooked as much, haven't responded to texts and phone calls in a timely fashion, and my apartment has become a bit cluttered.  I was confident I'd come out of it, but now I'm not so sure.

I've been fighting so hard.  Changing so much.  I'm tired, and discouraged, and overwhelmed.  It seems like every time I think I'm turning a corner, I find myself face to face with a brick wall.  It's getting hard to stay optimistic.  I just keep pushing forward, and forward, tirelessly.  But I keep meeting with so much resistance, I just want to cry out.  

I'm angry, but I know my anger stems from my hurt.  And my hurt originates from that part of me I can't forgive, the guilt over my bad decisions, and my inability to be compassionate toward myself.  I wonder if it's too late.  If I dug myself into a hole I'll never get out of.  I feel so much regret.  It's a very 9 of swords feeling. 

Yet at the same time, I refuse to give up.  I keep holding on.  I have to keep believing that hope and faith will prevail, that determination to reach my goals will pay off and the universe favors goodness.  THAT is a very 9 of staves feeling.  I'm trying so hard to be the best person I can be, to let go of judgement, to be guided by love, to be open-hearted and compassionate toward everyone.  I try to make my decisions consciously and with intention and to speak honestly and with conviction.  

The problem I have, though, is that I kind of had this unrealistic view of life.  Like it's a fairytale, and everyone lives happily ever after.  Or a family sitcom, where every issue is resolved within 30 minutes.  Maybe in the movies, the good guy never dies.  The guy gets the girl.  The killer always gets caught and the cold cases get solved.  But in real life, well, life's not fair.  I can't guarantee that if I apply the formula of living a good life that I will certainly get the end result of happiness or success.  At the same time, though, I know that my future is made of the choices I make in the present.  Who I am tomorrow comes from what I do today.  I can't give up.  I can't lose hope.  

Maybe I should explain what's triggered this melancholy.  I emailed FOC, as I believe I mentioned before.  I went to the Allegan county courthouse today and filed my petition to terminate the guardianship.  It just so happened that while I was THERE, Barry county FOC had called me regarding my email a few days ago.  I was feeling good, high on life.  I thought, yeah, no one can hold ME down!  I decide what happens in my life!  I'm taking the reins, and I'm in control!  Then...I listened to  the voicemail...and somehow...

Oh, it's just awful.  Positively horrible.  Apparently, unbeknownst to me, Blair and Rachel have physical custody of Tristan.  They have joint legal with Andrew.  Guess whose name is MISSING?  Mine!  I almost had a heart attack.  I called her back and explained that I agreed to guardianship in Allegan county TEMPORARILY, while I got my life straightened out.  I have emails, texts, Facebook messages stating that they would "never take my son away" and basically calling me crazy or paranoid for ever suspecting they would.  (Intuition -- use it!!!)  I explained that they filed a motion in Barry county for custody, which should then have been followed by a hearing.  I never got notice of any hearing.  I never got a copy of a judgement granting them custody, because if I had, I most certainly would have objected.  This can't be legal!  They can't make these decisions without my input!  Where did my rights go????

Shit, I feel like I'm going to be sick.  I fucked up so bad and I don't know if I can recover.  This is all my fault.  All this hard work I've been doing...all these changes I've made...was it all for naught?  Is it too late?  I don't know what to do now.  I just don't know if I have any fight left in me.  :'(

You say that money, isn't everything; well I'd like to see you live without it. You think you can keep on going, living like a king; ooh, babe, well I strongly doubt it...

Today's topic is...money.  And so, accordingly, I have chosen malachite as the stone in all its swirly green lovely goodness.  Ooooohhhhh...ahhhhhhh....so anyway.

Well, it's a full moon in Gemini, and the sun is in Sagittarius.  I find this particularly interesting because my sun is in Gemini and my moon is in Sagittarius.  This should be interesting.  I was reading that this full moon is about transformation, so I find it rather fitting that today was the day I got my front tooth fixed and my contacts came in as well.  I am transforming, inside and out.  

Also, the CPS worker for the guardianship called me yesterday.  She contacted the Allegan county probate court for me and  told me that I have to go file a petition to terminate the guardianship and there is a $20 filing fee.  (Money)  I'm going to go do that on Friday.  I emailed the Barry county FOC and advised them of what I was doing, and that I believe it is in Tristan's best interests to be with me.  I gave them a little synopsis of what I have done to make myself the best parent I can be and why I am able to provide for him at this time.  

I went to court yesterday for  that driving on a suspended, but to my delight, I got the coolest judge EVER.  He believes that driver responsibility fees are unconstitutional, and he entered a not guilty plea for me and told me to take care of the ticket in Grand Rapids.  I'm also doing THAT on Friday.  (Money)

At the dentist office today, they informed me that I have something like a $430 balance, so I told them I want to get that caught up before they do any more work and add to it.  I'm going to TRY to make a payment on Friday.  (Money)

I'm not so stressed about the money.  I know everything will be okay, and everything is working out for my highest good.  I'm just a little nervous because I want to be saving money right now for Tristan, for clothes and things like that so no one can say I'm not prepared to take him NOW, if need be.  I trust the process, though.

I was doing laundry at Jason's yesterday and he told me about this other dating site.  (I know, I know!)  I was bored so I got on there.  I started talking to this guy and at first he seemed really sweet, but he's just creepy!  We had only been chatting less than an hour and he gave me a nickname, he started calling me Florecita.  Then he was all like, MY Florecita.  Amor.  Baby.  Can I call you amor?  Do you want to be my princess, or my queen?  I told him to chill out, he still won't send me a picture!  How are you going to call me baby when I don't even know what you look like?  Looks aren't everything, but attraction is necessary before anything else can develop.  Besides, I need to be able to imagine who I am talking to.  He seems a little crazy.

Well, it's noon.  I'm going to take a nap before I go pick up my contacts and head to work.  Happy Tuesday!

Funny how my memory slips while looking over manuscripts, Of unpublished rhyme, Drinking my vodka and lime/ Look around, leaves are brown now, And the sky is a hazy shade of winter...

This is charoite, the stone of transformation.  I instantly fell in love with it!

It's been a pretty good weekend.  I've been grouchy ever since my last post, though.  I was very upbeat and optimistic, even when Rachel had ignored my messages.  I didn't get pissy until she actually replied, and I'm not exactly sure why that is.  Later that day  she texted me to tell me she was sorry to have missed my call to Tristan the previous night and that he had been at a birthday party.  She said he had been good and  that she was amazed at how far he's come in the past few years.  

Of course, I immediately took that as a jab as "see how much better he's doing now that he's with US" and snapped back that she hadn't even been in his life until things had started to get bad, so she had no idea that he had always been that way until we started having issues in kindergarten.  I was snotty with her, just like I had been when I told her earlier that day that we could meet up if she wanted to but I'm his mom, he's my child, and he's coming home whatever I have to do to make that happen.

He's always been a good boy.  He's always been sweet.  I've gotten compliments about him from the shelter we stayed at after I left his dad, the daycare he went to in Hastings, and his pre-K teachers.  It wasn't until kindergarten that things took a turn for the worst, and don't get me wrong -- I'm GLAD Blair and Rachel were there to help him during that time.  I remember feeling like I was losing him.  Not physically losing him, but that he was becoming someone I didn't know.  I remember feeling afraid that he'd never be the same sweet boy I had loved and raised for 5 years.  I didn't even realize what was going on at the time.  

I know it's easy for me to come on here and vilify Rachel, but they honestly saved my son.  Are they perfect?  No.  Do we agree on many things?  Nope.  But they were there at a time that he really needed something I couldn't give.  The only issue is, now that I CAN give him what he needs, I'm getting resistance from them because they're attached to him.  I get it, I do.  They're screwing up now, with me.  But that doesn't mean they've screwed up everything with my son.  And that's what's hard -- I AM grateful, but yet I AM going to fight if I have to.  

This weekend was nice, we did Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's up north.  Tristan was at his dad's but I did have Jewel.  I ate too much and drank too much, but hey, that's what the holidays are for.  :)  Grandma sent me home with lights for the tree and 4 bottles of wine.  Blair wasn't up there and everyone got along.  The roads were pretty shitty on the way up, but I just took my time.  Finally, after 13 years of driving, winter roads don't make me cry.  The first few years I would get so worked up about driving in the snow that I made serious plans to move to Florida.  Then, for a long time, I would start having anxiety about winter starting as early as September.  It would be looming over my head like an oppressive black shadow, ready to descend on me with its misery and doom.  

Our trainer's boss at work moved from some southern state and this is his first winter in Michigan.  He was telling us that it all depends on perception -- we can get upset about every snowstorm and complain every day about the cold, or take it for what it is and accept that this is just part of living in Michigan.  We can't change it, so why get upset about it?  That's totally been working for me.  I am more anxiety free than I have been any winter in my life.  

Speaking of work, Friday I had been in the break area with Ashley and her other friend Mike.  She said something about punching him in the face, and he said he'd get one of his new friends to beat her up if she did.  I said, "Not me -- I'm non-violent."  She said to him, "She's non-violent and I AM violent.  See?  Opposites attract"  What the hell?  What did that mean?  Does she KNOW I'm attracted to her?  Or is SHE attracted to ME?  Or did she just mean like on a friend level?  I think I'm reading too much into this.  That girl is going to drive me crazy.  I drew her name for our Secret Santa exchange, too.  I'm excited :)

Of course I still have my other crush.  It was weird because I never even focused on Wiltmar before, I was busy staring at Raul and really didn't notice anything else.  I mean, Wiltmar had come to answer questions for me a time or two, and I thought he was nice, but I didn't really pay much attention to him.  At the same moment that I realized Raul is an arrogant, aloof, unfriendly person...in walked Wiltmar...and I saw him in a totally different way than I did before.  Ever since that, I can't get him out of my mind.  It's serious.  This is like one of those schoolgirl crushes where the boy invades your brain and you're almost desperate to somehow magically make him notice you.  But, the mistake every girl makes is trying too hard.  

There are hundreds of people in that call center though!  How do I get his attention?  Listen to me, shit.  I don't even know if he's single!  But he has a great smile.  And dimples, I LOVE his dimples!  Maybe (after I get my contacts and my tooth fixed next week) I'll just kind of casually mention to some of the girls I work with that I have a thing for him.  Maybe it'll get around.  Gossip spreads in call centers like wildfire...;)

You've applied the pressure, To have me crystallized, And you've got the faith, That I could bring paradise...

I'm sorry, I know I've already used The XX lyrics.  I just really, really love them.  Her sexy, breathy whisper and his deep, seductive voice sound like heaven together.  I could listen to them all day and never get tired of it.  *sigh*  Here, I'll post a video!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pib8eYDSFEI

For your listening pleasure.  Anyway, I made it home last night, so...yay!  Now that I know my license is suspended, I feel like I'm on a countdown.  I just have to make it home from work 5 more times before I get paid, then I can pay off that ticket and I'll be in the clear!  I was so paranoid last night.  I'm really playing a dangerous game -- if I get caught again before payday, my life as I know it is over.  But, like I said, I don't have another option.  Who is going to pick me up in Wayland at 4, drop me off in Walker, then pick me up in Walker at 2 in the morning and drive me home to Wayland?  

Rachel finally responded to my requests (demands) for Tristan to come home.  I had sent her a Facebook message after I met with Sue a while back, and then I emailed her when I got my new schedule.  She wants to meet up and talk, and that's fine, but I'm not backing down.  I told her I'll get a lawyer if I have to and she told me there's no need to threaten her.  I guess I shouldn't have gotten defensive before the situation warranted it, but I was so prepared for an argument.  I do hope things go well.  I really don't want to spend money on a lawyer that I could be spending on my kids.

I notice that my loneliness comes and goes in cycles.  There are times that I am perfectly content -- thrilled, in fact -- to have all the time to myself to do what I want.  The thought of having a boyfriend or girlfriend, another drain on my energy, an invader in my personal space, is unappealing.  But sometimes...well, I think it's just hormones and brain chemicals.  We were instilled with the drive to reproduce, which maybe masquerades as the desire for companionship?  But, no, that can't be right.  Although it may still be purely biological, I think the need for companionship and the urge to mate are sometimes intertwined but other times unrelated.  Why else would we want friends?  Life isn't always just about survival.  I think parts of it are about enjoying the ride.  

I have distinct and separate urges -- sometimes, I feel really horny.  I find something sexy about everyone I talk to and my imagination runs wild with tawdry fantasies.  Sometimes, I desire socialization, bonding with a group.  I want to get out and mingle with like-minded people and have deep conversations with other free thinkers and engage in mentally stimulating bonding activities.  It's like nourishment for my soul, and the furthest thing ever from sexual.  Then there are times, like now, that I feel...romantic.  I guess it's the two mixed together, in a way.  I don't just view everyone as a sexual object, but I have a craving deeper than what friendship can fulfill.  I desire intimacy and bonding, but with one person.  I have an ache and a need to feel protected, wanted, cherished by one person.  I want to be hugged tight, called "baby", kissed on the forehead.  I want someone to drink coffee with me and hold my hand.  I want to snuggle up next to someone on the couch.  It is during these times that I feel the deepest loneliness.  However, I have learned that just picking the first available man or woman to fill  that role doesn't always end the way I want.  I need to hold out for the right person.

Oh, so remember I was talking about Raul at work (not my ex) and how I had a thing for him?  Yeah, well, I don't anymore.  He IS freaking gorgeous and has the sexiest voice ever, but his energy is cold.  We were all sitting out in the lobby yesterday and he didn't exude any warmth whatsoever.  He came off as arrogant to me and it was a total turn-off.  However, when his friend Wiltmar (another bilingual supervisor) came out to the lobby to meet him, I was overcome with a completely different vibe.  He has such a radiant smile, a warm energy.  I really just had the impulse to give him a big hug and lay my head right on his chest.  I bet he smells good.  I bet he gives great hugs.  HE is the kind of guy I could imagine being happy with.  He's so sweet, and genuine, and helpful.  I'm just daydreaming, don't worry.  I'm not going to go around stalking potential candidates at the workplace.  ;)

TGIF!!  I'm so glad it's Friday.  This has been a pretty good week, though.  Even though I got pulled over, but it definitely could have been worse.  I've had a low-energy bout, but it didn't turn into depression.  I didn't do yoga all week because that was extra time I could be sleeping.  I have slept a lot, but I haven't let my mood get sucked down.  I'm battling the depression, and I'm winning!  This is my best winter yet.  :)

Sometimes I think I'm breaking down, And other times I think that I'm fine, But something got into my engine, it slowed me down, Now I gotta turn this whole thing around...

So, last night I was driving home from work, writing my blog entry in my head.  I was in a great mood, thinking about how wonderful life is.  The roads were pretty snowy but I realized this year that I DON'T, in fact, hate winter!  I was getting ready to light a cigarette when I saw flashing lights in the rearview.

Honestly, I was confused.  I  definitely wasn't speeding -- I had been going maybe 40-45 on the highway, which was pretty much in line with everyone else.  I hadn't been swerving, but even if I had, the roads were slippery.  Anyway, I pulled over.  When the officer got to my window, he told me my headlight was out.  FUCK, that's  right, I knew  that.  That happened when I ran over that dead deer on the highway, and now because my stupid ass didn't fix it...

...driving on a suspended.  Yeah, that's right.  My license is fucking suspended!  Not only  that, but I didn't even have a copy of my car insurance (which it seems like I never DO when I get pulled over) so I could have been looking at my car being towed, spending the night in jail, and a $500 no proof of insurance ticket.  Luckily,  the officer was really nice.  At least I have that going for me -- I get pulled over every now and then, which sucks, but at least when I do, I get a cop with compassion.  I'm not saying I should have gotten away with it, I'm just grateful that he took pity on me.

I called Jason to come get my car, but he was drunk.  I didn't know anyone else who would be up at that time, and my phone died while I was sitting in the back of the cop car.  I burst into tears.  The officer reassured me that everything would be okay and we'd figure it out.  Long story short, he took me to Brian's, where I pounded on the front door at 4 a.m. and woke Brian up, then TOOK Brian to my car so he could drive it back.  That guy was so nice.  It's too  bad we had to meet in the circumstances we did...he was actually kind of cute, too.  ;)  Yeah, right -- can you imagine ME dating a COP?  Hahahaha....

I have to keep driving, though.  There's nothing I can do!  I don't get paid until next Friday, at which point I am going to fix  that stupid headlight and pay off that damn ticket.  Rent is going to be late, but I'll be okay.  Besides, I get a commission check January 17.  I can get by until then.  It's just too bad that this is all happening during the holidays.  *sigh*

So ANYWAY, in other news...I got my new shift last night!  I'm so excited, I'll be working 8-5!!!  I didn't get weekends off, but none of us newbies did.  At least I got consecutive days off, though -- Tuesdays and Wednesdays.  Immediately I emailed Rachel to let her know my plan.  She probably won't reply, but this is what's going down whether they cooperate or not.  I told her that at our next guardianship review in March, I am going to propose that Tristan either return home immediately or begin  the transition, to be completed by summer break.  I informed her that I will find and pay for daycare when summer comes, and if they'd like to have him the weekends he's not with his dad, they may.  I also told her that Sue offered to advocate for me as necessary -- I brought it up just to point out that if they give me pushback, I'm prepared to fight, and I have people on my side.  So don't try to fuck with me.

You know, we tend to categorize people as all  good, or all  bad.  All right, or all wrong.  In reality, I see that even "bad" people are good sometimes, and even "wrong" people are right about some things.  I was thinking about this before I got pulled over last night as I celebrated my joy at the very real possibility of getting my son back.  I have finally realized that my children are the most precious things (people) in my world.  I thought back to how Noe would always tell me that they would be the only ones who stood by my side when no one else did.  That my kids are the only ones who will always be there for me, and I need to put them first and not take them for granted because they're all I have.  He was right.  I did sort of a shitty job with them before, and I'm glad I have a chance to be the mother they always deserved.  

I just got done at the dentist (again), they cleaned under my gums this time.  They numbed it and gave me the nitrous so I didn't really care.  Man, I remember getting nitrous as a kid -- I think that would have to count as my first experience with mind-altering substances.  My dentist called it the "space mask" and I freaking LOVED it!  I remember feeling like I was flying, just floating in space like a spaceman.  I wish I could just feel that relaxed on command -- I'd never have trouble falling asleep.  Anyway, next week Tuesday I get my front tooth fixed and my cavities filled!  YIPPEEEEE!  Oh yeah, and I went to the eye doctor yesterday and they ordered my contacts.  So, I get to ditch these glasses next week too.  Life is pretty awesome.  :)

People are strange, when you're a stranger, faces look ugly, when you're alone...

Today we have Chalcopyrite.  Oooooooh, isn't it lovely?  I wasn't going to blog tonight.  At the end of my shift, I'm always brimming with ideas.  I contemplate my blog post during the whole drive home.  Then, when I walk in the door, inevitably my motivation and energy is instantly sucked from me and I no longer feel creative.  I get in sleep mode.  I haven't updated all weekend, though, so here it is.

First I'll talk about my blessings, because it's always better  to focus on those than our shortcomings.  Overall, it was a great weekend.  I took the kids to the pottery place to paint giant coffee mugs and then took them to McDonald's for lunch.  (I knowwwwww, but it's a rare treat and I wanted to spoil them).  Oh, and Santa was at the mall so the kids got to chat with him for a minute and get pictures.  It was really cute, Juju was telling him about this boy who's been giving her trouble and Santa told her he was getting a lump of coal.  ;)  Anywho, I picked up groceries and then we came home to set up the tree.  I played holiday music, made hot cocoa, and enjoyed my family.  It was nice.

I did learn something, though.  As much as I love to wake up as early as I can on Saturday morning so I can spend as much time as possible with my kids, getting enough sleep is vitally important to maintaining healthy relationships with  them.  I have looked back at all  the times I grew impatient, or was overly critical, or overreacted and I notice that those things have always occurred on those Saturdays after little sleep the night before.  The last two times, I figured out how to keep my grouchy side at bay by taking a short nap after picking them up.  This time, though, I was so excited to go paint pottery that I skipped it, and I regret it so much.

I know it's important to forgive ourselves and have compassion toward ourselves, and I know my kids have forgiven me, but I can't stop beating myself up over my grouchiness on Saturday.  It reminds me of all the times my mom used to tell me I ruined every family outing we had, and it was true.  I would vow to be good, only to find myself once again standing amidst a pile of rubble I had created and wishing I could put it all back together.  Maybe that doesn't make sense to anyone but me, but I really felt that I had tamed "The Seether".  That's what I call the other side of my personality, that bitchy, angry side.  That pit bull that needs to be kept on a leash, or if she gets free, rips anything in her path to shreds.

Okay, so I wasn't THAT bad this weekend.  But I know I hurt Jewel's feelings, and she's so sweet and sensitive that I just hate myself for it.  She was painting her coffee mug and it looked nice -- green on the outside, red on the inside.  They are gifts, and I know my family will love  them no matter what they look like because the kids made them.  I knew it didn't matter.  I knew no one would be judging them.  But when Jewel started to slather red paint all over the top of the green paint on the outside, I asked her why she did that with a disapproving look on my face.  

A father of a young boy looked over at me, and I felt conspicuous.  I knew I needed to shut up, but I just couldn't.  I didn't have the strength in me to make it better -- every time I opened my mouth, I compounded the problem.  I told her, "No, it's your mug.  Do what you want.  I just don't understand why you'd do that."  She started to look upset, so I tried again.  "It's not a big deal.  It just looked so nice already."  Then she was crying.  All I could do was just shut up and try to gather myself again.  What the HELL?  What would make me be such a jerk to someone I love so dearly?  Why couldn't I release my need to be in control?  Why was I personally attaching myself to her project instead of giving her the freedom to express herself in whatever way she chose, giving her the approval and security in knowing that I love and accept her no matter what?  

I give this advice to people all the time, and I have prided myself on being a gentle and compassionate mother since healing a great deal of my own inner pain and embarking on this journey of emotional restoration.  I know I'm good enough, and I want my kids to feel that way too.  I apologized at least ten times, but my apologies could not heal the wound inside from feeling as if I had failed my daughter.  I admonished myself for my lack of control.  I still do.  I know that all I can do is take the lesson from this and move forward, but I need to figure out how to heal that part of me which has such a need to lash out.  

I was doing some soul-searching, as it seems like the pendulum has been swinging back the other way after so much progress in self-improvement, manifestation of my dreams, happiness, and fulfillment.  Remember when I was saying it felt like everything was going wrong now, and I don't know why?  Well, oddly enough, it seems like the catalyst was the sweat.  It doesn't make sense, does it?  During the ceremony, I symbolically released negativity, fear, and lack of self-confidence.  I empowered my mother aspect and my determination to keep moving forward.  So why is it that it seems the opposite of my desires has manifested?  

I can only guess that these are the trials I must endure in order to strengthen the qualities I want to empower.  I can't just say, "I release negativity".  I need to be exposed to situations which create negativity and, in the moment, find ways previously undiscovered to rise above or transmute it.  I need to have the opportunity to devise new approaches to battling the things I have yet to overcome.  So, I'll thank life for being a teacher and be grateful for the experiences which allow me to learn and grow.  I'll never give up.  I'm writing my story, page by page.  The choices I make today are the future I consciously create, so I'll keep on keepin' on.  :)

Soapbox, house of cards, and glass; So don't go tossin' your stones around...

...Ya musta been, high...ya musta been, sooooooooo HIGH!  :)  I love Tool.  I mean, I love everything ABOUT Tool -- the sound, the rhythm, the vocals, but especially the lyrics.  As a poet, I find music especially powerful when the lyrics speak to my soul.  I always feel that sense of, "Hell YEAH!!  That's what I'M talking about!!" when I hear Tool.  Maynard is on a whole other level, I admire him so much.

So anyway, everyone at work is getting the stomach flu.  I saw a post on Facebook which stated that the Norovirus is going around, so I am just affirming to myself that I am healthy and I have a strong and capable immune system.  I'm visualizing an indestructible invisible force field germ barrier.  I have big plans for this weekend!  But, you know what they say...when people make plans, God laughs.  

I had a better day today.  I still feel incredibly sensitive and thin-skinned, and I noticed that I got offended by the littlest things today.  I'll give you one stupid example.  I was sitting in one row, separated from Mike's row by an aisle.  Being tethered to my phone with my headset, I couldn't quite reach Mike.  Brenda was between the two of us.  Mike had Twizzlers.  He gave Brenda some and asked if I wanted one.  I said yes and he asked Brenda to share with me, and she REFUSED!  She said, "No, I want to eat them all."  I thought she was joking, but she never handed me one.  What the hell??  She didn't have to give me one of HERS, but shit, how hard would it have been to grab one from Mike and pass it to me?  I did let it bother me for a minute, but then I realized it's ridiculous to get all worked up over licorice.  If she's got a bug up her butt, so what.  

As far as calls went, I had a decent night.  No better or worse than the class in general.  My smoking buddy quit, which made me a little sad but at least I'll smoke fewer cigarettes without someone to accompany me to the "butt hut".  I knew she was planning on quitting, but I didn't know it would be so soon.  Our class gradually dwindles down more and more as time goes on.

So, tonight I sat next to Ashley.  She is like 8 years younger than I am and ridiculously hot.  She's not gay or anything but she was talking to me about some pretty explicitly sexual stuff tonight.  It made me feel kind of weird because I was turned on but felt like I shouldn't be or that I should feel guilty about it.  She doesn't know I like women and maybe she wouldn't have said the things she did if she knew.  Kind of like how a person would feel if they modeled lingerie for their gay male friend only to find out that he isn't actually gay.  Then again, the thought crossed my mind that she KNEW, and she was getting a little thrill out of purposely trying to give me dirty thoughts about her.  

Oh, dear goddess.  LISTEN to me, I sound JUST like a man right now, don't I?  Next thing you know, I'll be saying she's asking for it or "Yeahhhh, she wants me".  SO like a dude.  But I guess I can see things from the male perspective -- women are damn hard to figure out!  When someone you're attracted to is being friendly with you, or sexually candid, I guess it's easy to assume (wishful thinking) that they're coming on to you.  I know she wasn't, but it does perplex me a little trying to figure out WHY she would have told me the things she did.  I mean, she was telling me about her sex toys, and masturbating, and how she had been reading 50 Shades of Gray at her last job and how much it hard turned her on...stuff like that.  Oh well, in any case it's a moot point because nothing is ever going to happen with her anyway.

But.  There IS this guy at work, his mom owns this little restaurant over by my old house called Sabor Latino.  He's a supervisor and I'm sure he has a girlfriend, but....daaaaaaaamn.  It's not really even so much how he looks, but his voice...ohmygod.  I sound like such an eighth grader right now.  I can't help it, though...I'm really a sucker for a smooth, deep voice -- especially with a sexy accent.  

Okay, okay, okay.  Sorry.  I have hormones raging through me right now and it's been a month so please forgive me!  I don't want anyone to think I've got a one track mind, I honestly do realize that there are more important things in life.  Such as, the CommonUnity.

Juliea and the midwife, Sara, found a beautiful house to use as an office for CommonUnity.  Space is available to rent to hold workshops, classes, support groups, massage/reiki appointments, whatever.  I'm really excited for the community in general and I want to get involved, but I'm not sure which direction to go.  I could have a birth mother support group, or a tarot group, or a book club.  I'm going to reflect on it for a while and see what I feel called to do.

Well, hey, it's Friday and I get the kids tomorrow.  So, time for bed!

Cold hard bitch, she was shakin' her hips, that's all that I need...

I'm very tired tonight, but I really wanted to update.  Except now that I'm actually in front of my computer, I don't remember what I was going to talk about.  Oh yeah I do, never mind.  :)

Okay, so I had a lot of good -- no, FANTASTIC days.  Life was going pretty swell.  But it can't all be sunshine and rainbows all the time, right?  We're all going to run into difficulties now and then.  Life isn't about avoiding them or eliminating them, but learning how best to deal with them.  Into every life a little rain must fall -- what are you going to do?  Hold an umbrella?  Dance in the rain?  Go inside?  Complain about getting wet?  We all have choices, and these choices shape our lives.

With all that said, I'll make it through.  It's been much, much worse.  I think one of the biggest contributing factors is this weird emotional funk I suddenly find myself in.  It feels exactly like PMS, except of course I just had my period.  Oh yeah, I never updated about that.  I remember I was so freaked out because it didn't come right on the full moon -- I meditated and visualized rushing red rivers flowing through me, like floodgates opened.  Three days late, on the waning moon, it came with a vengeance.  To the point where I had a wardrobe malfunction at work, THAT was embarrassing.  I mean, a little.  It happens, it's part of life, my clothes are from Goodwill so who cares if they're stained, and I'm not the first woman ever to bleed so it's not like this was a freak occurrence.  Life happens.  

I think people get too uptight over little things, like spilling coffee on their clothes.  I do this DAILY.  I really don't give a shit -- they were clean when I put them on, coffee spills happen, so what?  And hair.  What's the big deal about that?  I've never understood it.  I've seen people gingerly hold up a single strand of hair arm's length away from their body with a distasteful glare as if they're handling fecal matter or something.  I shed hair on myself daily, I touch it constantly, why is it suddenly gross if someone else's happens to be in my vicinity?  It's just HAIR, for heaven's sake.  I mean, do we really want to think about the amount of dead skin cells and microscopic bugs coating every surface imaginable?  People are weird.  I don't understand why I'M the strange one...

Oh yeah.  So I almost forgot to get to the point.  (Surprised?)  I already mentioned I'm emotional.  This started yesterday when I called my insurance to confirm that Sue is in network.  She is not, and I have to meet my $1,500 deductible BEFORE they will cover anything.  And when they DO, it's only 30%.  I started crying right there on the phone.  I don't usually connect well with counselors, and Sue is definitely one of a kind.  Where am I going to find another counselor like her?  NOWHERE!  So I'll pay what I have to pay, but I can't afford to until January.  Then today, I went over to Juliea's and we worked on a photo album for Sienna and her family.  Looking back at those pictures really hit hard.  I mean, they were beautiful, and sweet, and perfect.  It was just...well, remember when I said I was done with the grieving?  I was positive that I was beyond the sadness and that I had reached acceptance and would never feel heartbroken again.  I  thought I was healed.

I was wrong.  Shit, it's like, still RAW.  Looking at those pictures...Sienna and I seeing each other for the first time, looking into each other's eyes, the complete peace and trust in her eyes, the absolute joy and amazement in mine.  My teary-eyed smile, her cry.  Her gripping my finger while she nursed.  The serenity in her face as she laid on my chest, never suspecting that she would soon be torn from my arms and not know why.  That's what makes  me the most sad.  There was no way I could make her understand.  No way I could explain to her what was going on, prepare her.  The only thing she knew is  that she was with her mom, and then mom was gone.  That must have hurt.  I can't even stop crying now.  Don't get me wrong, going over and over and OVER that decision, I just can't think of any way either one of us would have been okay if I had kept her.  I know that.  But she doesn't.  And that hurts a lot.

So anyway, with that on my mind, I went to work.  It's true that the vibrations you put out attract matching vibrations.  I had my worst night on the phone yet.  I even had a call that was so frustrating because the account was so messed up and I couldn't figure out how to fix it, that I burst into tears as soon as I put the customer on hold and a supervisor came over to help me.  THAT was embarrassing.  I couldn't even stop, either.  I lost it for a good 30 seconds, and that's a long time when a customer is on hold.  

My sister texted me last night to let me know I was a month behind on car insurance.  No big deal, I'll pay her two paychecks in a row.  My holiday budget was already cramped but I rearranged things to make it work.  So, I was working on my budget for hours at work and had JUST gotten it perfected, sure that I am finally okay and I'll just barely scrape by.  I was doing great until child support started coming out, but then I adjusted to the new amount.  Now insurance is coming out and I have to adjust again.  I can still do it, though.  But then I got home and checked the mail and  there's a letter from the FOC "Income Review Unit".  Supposedly they are required to notify you when you qualify to request a review of child support when your income changes...funny, I never got one of those when my income went DOWN, why all of a sudden are they so eager to review it now that I'm making MORE?  I'm not requesting a review, so I know if it happens, it's because Brian requested it.  I think that may just push me to the breaking point. 

What is the universe telling me?  What am I supposed to DO?  What am I doing wrong???  Shit, I smoke one pack of cigarettes and drink one bottle of wine every week.  I pay all my bills.  I spend quality time with my kids.  Hell, I don't even have to list everything I'm doing, I've done it many times before.  My point is, I've never before lived a life so committed, focused, disciplined, and so on the straight and narrow as I am now at this point.  I haven't had sex in a month!!  I believe in karma, and I'm putting out nothing but my very best every day.  I understand that bad things do happen to good people because they are lessons we need to learn.  But I just have no clue what it is that I'm supposed to be learning right now.  I've paid my dues.  I've struggled long enough.  I've worked hard and I deserve a life of happiness and abundance.  I don't even want much -- I just want to be able to pay my bills, feed my family, and spend every possible moment I can with my kids.  I want to contribute to the greater good, spread love, help people.  I want to better myself.  These all seem like right choices, so why are they leading me to dead ends over and over again?  

I don't want to end this on a bad note, so I'm going to close by talking about all that I'm grateful for.  I'm grateful that I can afford to buy my kids presents this year, that I am getting contacts, that I'm getting my teeth fixed, that I have an amazing friend like Juliea, that I belong to a bad-ass circle of sisters, that I am living my life in a way I don't have to hide or be ashamed of, that I am healthy, that I do have a job, that my children are healthy and happy, for beautiful sunrises and cloud-streaked skies, for random warm days in December, for the tree Mike gave me, for the cookie ingredients Mom gave me to make with the kids, for beds for the kids and a couch, for optimism, for motivation, for all the love I have for my kids and that they have for me, for yoga, for music, for wisdom, compassion, forgiveness, and growth.  I am thankful that I am alive.  I am grateful for everything I have and for all the blessings on the way to me.  I am grateful that I learned how to take control of my own life and that I no longer feel like a helpless victim but a capable, decisive woman.  I am grateful for all those who didn't believe in me, most of all, because they are the ones who inspired me to work that much harder to prove them wrong.  :)

And it's whispered that soon, if we all call the tune, Then the piper will lead us to reason./And a new day will dawn for those who stand long, And the forests will echo with laughter...

So, I was playing music while I did yoga today and Stairway to Heaven came on.  I never really realized what a beautiful song that really is, I've heard it many times before but I never really LISTENED. It was pretty inspiring.  Speaking of beautiful, check out today's stone!  Is that gorgeous, or what?!  It's called Wavellite.  I think I'm going to have to find me some.  It's good for stimulating the third eye, focus, and balancing energies.  I just googled "Wavellite Jewelry" and found a really pretty pendant, but it's $110.  Apparently it's pretty rare.

Isn't it weird that in nature, whatever is rare is prized and considered most valuable?  Yet in life, if you don't fit in, you are considered LESS valuable by your peers.  Why do humans not prize the rare within our own species?  Hmmmm.  Food for thought.   

Work went pretty well tonight, it's technically Wednesday now and I'm super excited for the weekend.  I have all kinds of fun ideas to share with the kids.  First, I want to put up the tree.  I want to have a craft night and make ornaments to decorate it with and possibly string popcorn and cranberries.  I also plan to take the kids to the pottery place to paint cookie jars for gifts, which we will fill with cookies on Yule weekend.  Wayland is also having an Art Hop holiday weekend with a parade, Santa meet and greets, a pancake breakfast at the fire barn, live music, a tree lighting ceremony, art, and kids' crafts.  It's going to be such a great time!  I can't wait to make some awesome memories!

Tomorrow I need to remember to schedule my eye doctor appointment.  It's been fun rocking the glasses for a while, but I'm definitely ready to get my contacts back.  Gee, my hair has been fixed, my teeth are being fixed, and I'm about to ditch the glasses -- I feel like I'm getting ready to emerge from this cocoon of blandness as a radiant butterfly again.  You know those movies where the star is a homely girl with drab hair, glasses, and braces...then suddenly she gets contacts and a makeover, and people suddenly notice her?  I kinda feel like that's what's going on here.  I am going to be my most beautiful, healthy self that I can be.  Besides THAT, I weighed myself at my mom's and I only have 8 more pounds of baby weight to lose.  And to be fair, I was pretty skinny when I got pregnant.  Score!!

I have counseling tomorrow and I'm looking forward to that.  I planned on cleaning my apartment today, but I'm going to have to do that Friday.  I'm going to see Juliea on Thursday and get that CD of photos from her at the same time.  Today I didn't really feel very motivated to clean.  I did the dishes, took out the trash, wiped down the counters, and swept on Sunday night but I haven't done much else since then.  I need to get a hold of a vacuum and should definitely try to get a dresser to put all these clothes in, it looks like a laundry bomb exploded in my living room.

Well, as you can see, I don't really have anything enlightening or important to talk about.  I think I'm going to pour some wine and watch this show about the Kennedy assassination that I recorded on my DVR.  Adios!

But if you only have love for your own race, then you only leave space to discriminate, and to discriminate only generates hate...

Well, those lyrics have absolutely nothing to do with anything I'm going to talk about.  It was just one of the songs that came on during the drive home and I happen to really like it, so there it is.

So, today!  Well, I had a dentist appointment today, the first of many more to come.  Today's visit was just a very thorough examination, as I haven't been to the dentist in over ten years except to have a tooth pulled.  The thing about Medicaid for adults is that there really isn't much coverage for things like fillings and any of the other crap I need to have done.  I got good news, though -- my teeth are salvageable, and we're going to get them fixed right up.  Before he fixes anything, the dentist is going to schedule a couple cleanings.  The bottom front teeth got really crowded together after my braces came off and there are areas that are hard to clean because they're all basically on top of each other.  I thought they were dying, but it turns out they have just been accumulating a yucky deposit that has become discolored from all the damn coffee I drink.  I do have a few cavities, but it's not too late for fillings.  And FINALLY, my front tooth is going to get fixed again so I can stop looking like a backwoods hillbilly.  

Having a chipped tooth in the front for the past year has really helped screen out superficial people, though.  If someone decides to judge a person based on their dental situation without knowing their story, that person is probably not the type of person I want to associate with anyway.  Who knows what people assume when they see my broken tooth?  Maybe they think I'm a crackhead.  Maybe they think I don't care about my teeth.  People have no idea that I broke a shitload of teeth in my car accident and that I'm lucky they were able to save them.  As I always say, at least I'm alive -- and that's more than they expected.  I'll take a jacked up jaw over an early grave any day.  :)  Also, I apparently grind my teeth.  I was a little surprised to hear that, since no one has ever mentioned it to me before.  Perhaps this is a new development?  The dentist said it's a subconscious thing and that many people do it while they're sleeping.  I just think it's odd that no one I've slept with has ever noticed it before, but it's probably because everyone falls asleep before I do.

There is new drama now in my life.  Tristan spent this past weekend at his dad's, then Blair and Rachel picked him up and brought him to my place.  I noticed that he had a black eye and a scratch on his nose, so I asked him what happened.  He told me he fell off his sister's bed so I left it at that.  This morning, Rachel texted me asking if I had seen it and I told her I had.  She asked what Tristan had told me, and I told her.  She said he had told her that he ran into a wall.  Since the stories didn't match up, they were a little concerned.  I hope nothing happened, but considering his father's history, it's easy to have doubts.  One part of me, though, seriously doubts that he'd be stupid enough to hit Tristan knowing that he'd be totally fucking himself over.  He is angry and he is violent, but I have to think that even HE knows he couldn't get away with  that.  And before you wonder why we allow my son to spend time with an angry violent abuser, well you can thank the court system for that.  Honestly FOC is really a big fucking joke.  And Barry County court is the most incompetent, inept excuse for a legal system that I could ever imagine.  

I mean, really.  I paid $3,000 for a lawyer.  He followed all appropriate steps to get me sole custody, which the woman in the courtroom confirmed.  She stated that day that I had custody and if Andrew wanted to change it, he'd have to file a motion.  Fast forward to now, and they mysteriously have no record of that day, that hearing, or any modification to custody.  Are their heads really so far up their asses that all of this was just LOST?  So guess who suffers now -- an innocent child.  All because someone couldn't do their job.  It hardly seems fair.

Okay, it's time for me to reel in the bitterness.  I know everything happens for a reason and I have to trust the process.  But, as Sue said, some processes are hard to trust!  

I had the weirdest, most realistic and disturbing dreams last night.  It's a new moon now, but I usually only get weird dreams around the full moon.  I don't think there was really any message, but I remember in one dream I was so scared.  The feelings were so real.  It doesn't really make sense because what happened in the dream is not something I fear or even think about in my daily life.  I also had a good one, though.  I dreamed that I found a cooperative housing place right here in Allegan county, and that all the girls from  the sister circle and myself were moving in.  It was so real that I had to Google it when I woke up, just to see if it really existed.  Alas, it does not.  That would be so cool,  though!

Well, I'm really tired.  I just don't feel up to doing any more writing right now.  Good night!

We are sisters on a journey, singing now as one, remembering the ancient ways, the women and the wisdom...

I have had a transformative experience.  I have been blessed with the continual flow of abundance and happiness into my life, and it amazes me to watch each part of the journey unfold.  I really feel like I am manifesting my dreams, and it feels so good to feel like I am living intentionally.  I am consciously choosing my future with every decision I make, and I feel so empowered.  

So, check this out.  Remember last week when I was late for work?  The highway going North was closed, so I got on South instead and consulted my GPS.  It took me on some back roads and side streets to get back to 131 North, but on the way, I passed a structure which looked like a Buddhist temple.  I told myself I'd remember the name, but I forgot about it.  After the sweat last night (which I'll definitely explain in more detail shortly), I felt like I synched right up to the universe.  I wasn't even to the highway yet and I started thinking about the vegan coconut bars Maria had made.  I remembered how they were delicious, but they hurt my teeth.  That thought reminded me of my dentist appointment on Monday...then, BAM, I'm passing a sign that says, "Dentist" in front of a dentist's office at that very moment.  Then, I got on the highway and thought about how sweaty I was.  I laughed to myself as I remembered Juliea saying that it would be funny if they got pulled over, all sweaty and in their robes on the way home.  Just then, a police car passed me.  Crazy, right?

So anyway, this morning I slept in too late and didn't do the 5k.  I was waiting for my mom to get to her house and got on the computer to kill some time.  I was reflecting on last night, how I had placed my mala beads on the altar to be blessed.  Just then, I remembered that temple I had passed on Monday and decided to google it.  Yes, there is a Buddhist temple, not even ten minutes away from me, right here in Wayland.  They have Zen meditation on Sunday nights from 5pm to 7pm and all are welcome.  I was overcome with awe and gratitude, I am divinely guided.  I am so excited to go!!!

So, let me rewind for a second.  Thursday (Thanksgiving) was pretty great.  My brother didn't come up and my dad didn't ignore me.  Family relations seemed less strained, maybe still a bit rough around the edges but it was a million times better than last year.  Rachel and I had a mild disagreement on Friday morning, but we let it go and went ice skating with the kids.  It was Jewel's first time, and she doesn't like to try new things.  The only reason she did it was because Tristan was doing it, but to her surprise, she liked it!  Hearing her excitement at learning something new just warmed my heart.  I was so proud when she started grinning ear to ear, "I'm doing it, Mom!  I'm skating!!"  I love seeing her experience that sense of accomplishment.  It was definitely a good day.  While Rachel arrived a bit late on Thursday, I was thankful that she came at all.  The roads had started to get bad and I was afraid she'd decide not to show.  I had a great time with the whole family and the kids especially.

Friday morning we got up early and had a big breakfast together, then did the ice skating thing.  After that, I went straight to work.  It was a very, very, very bad day for me.  Most of the people who had been there for any amount of time had requested the day off, so it was pretty much just us trainees staffing the call center for Black Friday.  There was also limited support, as even our trainer had taken a vacation day.  I had a few very stressful calls and my numbers were absolutely atrocious.  I couldn't even get in the mood to work, really -- and besides, I was soooooooooo tired from staying up late and waking up early.  

Afterwards, I came home and went to sleep, but I had to wake up early to get a dish to pass for the sweat.  I ended up picking up brie, crackers, and grapes at Meijer.  Everyone else had actually spent time making delicious vegan concoctions, but I had just been so tired and couldn't make the time to put anything together.  I got to the woman's house in Cedar Springs and it was amaaaaaaaaazing.  I went down a long, winding driveway which ended at her home right up against a sparkling lake.  We went inside the house first and had some snacks, then we each went in a circle and shared with the group what we were releasing and what we were empowering.  This woman has been facilitating women's retreats for over 30 years and she is such a bright, sparkling, vivacious soul.  She's 60 and still goes out dancing until 3 AM and tends to her 40 acres by herself.  She's amazing.

She took us down a wooded path until we reached a clearing encircled by juniper trees that her mother had planted.  All around were little stone deities, statuettes of Kwan Yin, Buddha, Virgin Mary, faeries, and angels.  The snow accenting the branches of the evergreens and the clouds streaking the sky really made for a picturesque moment in time.  We made a pile of stones and built a fire around it to heat up the rocks.  We circled around the fire and sang while some drummed.  At the same moment, most of us looked up after finishing a song and saw -- I kid you not -- and eagle soaring above.  I recalled my session with Sue on Wednesday, during which I learned the Garuda mudra.  It is the gesture of the eagle, used for balancing polarities and creating harmony within.  I'll show you:

And so another coincidence just happened...when I googled Garuda Mudra just now to get that picture, I saw the one I pasted above and remembered that it was for the thyroid.  There was a part of the meditation where I visualized each half of the thyroid, one side for resting and relaxing, the other for energizing and motivating.  I was to picture them in perfect balance and harmony.  The reason this recollection was so astounding is that a big part of our talk on Saturday revolved around thyroid issues.  Weird, right?!!!

So anyway, after the rocks were glowing red, we went into the little tent thing which was a dome-shaped structure of woven together grapevines which we piled blankets on top of.  In the center was a pit for the hot rocks.  We took off our clothes and circled around the center under the dome.  We did three rounds.  During the first, we did some singing and she gradually poured water on the rocks, creating steam.  I was a little warm when the round was over, but not terribly sweaty.  We went and stood naked around the fire while she put new rocks in, and I was pretty cold.  The second round was for releasing, and it was intense -- we each talked about what we were letting go, and after each of us, she poured a lot of water on the rocks.  My back was sweating, my lips were sweating.  The air was  thick, my towel was drenched.  I felt a little scared momentarily because I felt like I couldn't breathe.  Then, I started to think of the steam as purifying and breathed deeply through my nose, imagining the healing spreading through my throat and into my lungs.  I surrendered to the cleansing, I couldn't even tell the difference between the sweat and the tears anymore.  I felt emotionally open and vulnerable, which at first scared me.  But, like the breathing, the fear passed once I stopped resisting.  I just let it be.  I have to say, that was the most intense round.  

The third round was just about wrapping it up, expressing gratitude, and closing the circle.  I was sad that it ended but glad that it happened.  I really feel like I bonded with my sisters and removed a few layers of emotional crud that had been blocking my vision.  I felt more connection and clarity afterward.  I still feel it!  It was amazing.  I got home and slept like a baby -- I was running on very little sleep since Thursday morning and my body had just had enough.  So, I didn't do the 5k, but I did join my mom and sister for cookie baking today and it was good.  I accidentally created a new recipe, proving that sometimes a mistake is an opportunity to discover something new and better!

I was supposed to be making thumbprint cookies.  I had written the recipe down and I was beating the softened butter and eggs to a froth for 3 minutes.  Except after 3 minutes, it didn't look frothy, it looked chunky.  I looked at the recipe again and realized I was supposed to cream the butter and SUGAR, not the butter and eggs.  No big deal, I thought.  I'll just add the sugar.  Except I was supposed to use only the YOLKS, and it was too late to fix THAT.  So we decided I'd just turn it into snickerdoodle dough by adding 2 eggs, some crisco, and the rest of the snickerdoodle ingredients.  We already had snickerdoodles, though, and Mom had bought a bunch of nuts just for the thumbprints.  Sooooo, we rolled up the snickerdoodles into balls as usual but rolled them in crushed pecans instead of cinnamon and sugar.  Then, I pressed my thumb into each ball and put 1/2 teaspoon of jam in the indentations.  Voila!  Jamdoodles!  And let me tell you, they are AMAZING.  Score!

Oh yeah, so the final piece of good news -- while we were making cookies, Rachel texted me asking if I wanted to have Tristan overnight so they could go out to dinner with friends.  Well YES I do!  He's sleeping soundly in bed right now, such a sweet little boy.  He's getting big so fast, I just love to treasure each precious moment.  I packed him a lunch and wrote him a love note (he appreciates those now, and I don't have very many years until displays of affection from mommy aren't cool anymore...).  I'm going to make him pancakes in the morning and bring him to school.  Life is pretty good at this moment :)

This ain't the girl you used to know, no not anymore...

I'm a little tired tonight because it's already 3:30 and I'm just getting started.  I went and posted a review for Juliea on her doula page, and I tend to get a little wordy so it went a little long.  It's true to form, though -- at work, my average call length is longer than anyone else's on the team.  I pride myself in using 1,000 words to say what the average person could express in 10.  ;)

Everything today is FREAKING AMAZING!!  Making good choices and having a heart filled with gratitude are shaping my life, day by day, in spectacular new ways.  I feel like a new woman.  

First, Sienna's birth father contacted me on that dating website last night.  He made no attempt to disguise himself and I did reply to his first message.  He claimed to only want to know how Sienna was doing, so I provided a brief update.  We chatted for a minute and joked around, and I felt a little conflicted about even going down that path.  I knew it was wrong.  Then, he asked how Tristan was doing and I told him that he should be back with me by the end of the school year.  Immediately the nasty insults, assumptions, and discouragement began.  He told me I needed to get my shit together, accused me of focusing on everything but my kids, and at first I was baited and felt the need to defend myself.

But wait.  He doesn't know me anymore.  He can say whatever he wants to -- primarily because he knows what buttons to push.  But I don't have to listen to it, nor do I need to explain myself to HIM, of all people!  I know what I've done and I know what I'm about, where the hell has he been since June?  Nowhere even close enough to my life to be qualified to form an opinion about it.  

He doesn't know that I go to counseling every week, that I got my own place in Tristan's school district, that I got a steady well-paying job through which I have insurance on Tristan, that I have been to his field trip, conferences, and every single class party he has had.  He doesn't have any clue about my plan to save my commission checks in order to afford daycare, or if need be, a lawyer when the school year ends.  He is unaware that I already informed Rachel that Tristan would be returning home on the first day of summer vacation, or that my counselor offered to speak on my behalf if we need to go to court.  He doesn't know that I have already touched base with the CPS worker handling the guardianship in order to find out what I need to do to get him back.  How would he know that I have no roommate, no boyfriend, no drugs, no distractions?  He wouldn't, he doesn't, and his opinion means less to me than a Canadian penny.  (Sorry, it's really late, not so good with the analogies at this moment...)

Anyway, so I deleted my account on the website.  It takes two to tango, and I don't feel like dancing.  Get on with your sorry self, and leave me to my life which is a million percent better without you in it.  I knew at that moment that I was a stronger woman than I once was, because there was a point in time where I felt powerless to resist him.  That's bullshit.  

So, this morning on the way to work, I got a Facebook message from Sienna's mom telling me that they were chosen for this adoption finalization thing in their county to celebrate November which is apparently adoption month.  I am so happy for them, and they totally deserve it.  I looked up the article about them and it brought a tear to my eye.  The whole family looks perfect and happy and right, and I am so proud and so blessed to have been a part of making that happen.  THEN, Juliea informed me that she does have the pictures she took at the birth and she'll give me a disc on Saturday when we do the women's sweat lodge retreat.  I already know what I'm going to do with them, I'm going to make an awesome album photo gift for Sienna and her family as a Christmas gift.  You can do stuff like that with pictures on websites like Snapfish, I think.  I'll check it out, but I'm very excited to see what kind of awesome creation I can come up with.  I just know they'll love it so much, there were pictures of the very first moment Sienna's mom saw her.

Everything is just falling....into....place.  I got ranked #1 in our class which means I get first pick of the available shifts.  Since we're in training, we get whatever everyone else in the call center doesn't want.  So, while it's possible that I may NOT get what I want, I believe there's a great chance I'll get a day shift with weekends off.  Score!  Let me see you stop me NOW!!!  I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!