27 Weeks

I should have peed before I started writing this.  The doctors tell me to "push the water", but how will I possibly make time to pee even MORE than I do now???  I did it before I left work, drove to the library, and now I have to go again.  GRRRR!  Well, I'm going to just hold it and write this post.

The baby can see now, she's about 2 pounds, and moves around quite a bit.  I've noticed she doesn't really get active until after noon -- maybe she likes to sleep in.  As for myself, I've been eating much better but I still feel as if I'm expanding daily.  My upper thighs are starting to rub together now and it's really uncomfortable.  I really hope I don't have to struggle too much to lose the weight I'm gaining.  This week, breakfast is whole grain oatmeal mixed with Greek yogurt; I have Luna bars, Greek yogurt bars, and almonds for snacks; lunch is veggies, hummus, multi-grain pita chips, an apple or banana, and a Vitamin Water; and for dinner I try to find something healthy to eat.  The past three nights in a row, it's been a turkey sandwich because of Thanksgiving leftovers.  I think tonight I'll have something different.

All this talk about food is making my tummy rumble!  Speaking of my stomach, I notice that I've been getting a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions lately.  They don't hurt, but my whole stomach tightens up and gets rock hard.  I can't even bend at the waist when I'm having one and they feel really strange.  I'm sure this happened with my other two kids, but because I didn't know to expect them or understand what was happening when I had them, I didn't really take special notice.

Work is going really well.  I had a very frustrating day yesterday because I had forgotten everything I learned over the four day weekend.  I found my groove, though, and today was smooth sailing.  Three of my contracts got audited and I got 100% on two of them, 92% on the third.  I'll take it.  :)

Friday night, my starter went out.  At first I thought that my battery was dead and that I needed a jump, but when I finally found someone with jumper cables, I learned that it was not  the battery but the starter.  And you know, I never had any intention of seeing N again.  Earlier that day, I had taken my son to the movies and N showed up while we were playing in the arcade afterward.  It was a little awkward and I was worried about how my son would react, but for some reason he was overjoyed to see N.  I just played it cool and everything seemed to go fine, but I wasn't sure how this was going to impact my non-relationship with N.  Nothing had changed.

I'm big on interpreting the underlying messages of things that happen, of searching for some hidden meaning in the seemingly random events of our lives.  When my car broke down later that night, who was there for me?  He was -- and without complaint, expectation, or guilt trip.  I was completely broke because I had just paid a $222 fine to reinstate my license.  He covered everything, found a mechanic, and had it fixed in time for me to go to work on Monday.  Why???  I kept asking him why he would do that, and he said it was because he loves me.  I don't understand, though, how that could be true considering the lying and cheating that went on while we were together.  However, he didn't have to do any of that stuff, and I sure wouldn't do it for someone I didn't care about.  So I'm struggling to interpret what this could all mean.  It's hard to say that he DOESN'T love me, but it's hard to believe that he DOES.

I'm having similar contradictions in my mind when it comes to the baby.  I'm running out of time, and she won't just stay in there until I decide!  Bottom line, I can't see myself raising her and I can't see myself giving her up.  Both choices seem wrong now.  What happened?  I was so sure.  I was so convicted.  To be honest, I do still feel like adoption would be best for her.  I just don't know if I'm strong enough.  This is terrible!  I need to stop being so selfish.  I feel like I'm only thinking of myself and that's not fair at all.  After all, my daughter is with her dad and my son is with my brother.  Do I really think I can do any better with this one?

But reading all these stupid facts about newborns is getting me sentimental.  The baby knows the mother's scent and voice when she is born.  Will it be traumatizing to rip her from the only familiar person she has bonded to and place her in strange and unfamiliar territory?  I'm not sure if this last-minute hesitation is an indication that I should keep her, or just my hormones clouding my better judgement.  I need HELP!!!!!