My life has been such a rollercoaster lately. I can't even think straight, I have weird nightmares, I suddenly feel panicked or sad for no reason, and I burst into tears at the slightest provocation. I feel so intensely happy one minute, only to be gripped in the throes of sorrow the next, enraged over some real or perceived slight, then simply numb. I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I want.
I felt like I was over him, then I felt like I missed him, then I thought I wanted to be with him again. We got back together and I changed my mind, then I missed him and changed my mind again. I don't know how much of what I'm feeling is real and justified, and how much of it is manufactured by my own imagination. I never can tell if I'm just being paranoid or if my intuition is trying to tell me something. I feel so unstable right now. A couple nights ago, I came home from work and just cried and cried. The next day, I was on top of the world and nothing could touch me. The day after that, I cried all the way home and in bed until I fell asleep. The next day, I felt invincible again. Yesterday was a normal day and today I'm back to feeling scared, confused, and immobilized by sadness. What do I do???? I set up an appointment for counseling on Thursday, but I'm just not sure how long I can function like this. I'm not on any medication and I'm afraid to take anything that could hurt the baby.
Oh yeah, and about the baby. I'm having second thoughts about that, too! Everyone is so supportive and I was so sure that I was making the right choice. I started to wonder how I would feel if I had a baby and wanted to keep it, but the father placed it for adoption without my consent. Even though there are plenty of people who would support me and tell me it's okay to choose new parents for our baby even if he doesn't agree, I feel like that might be bad karma. I'm not the only parent. Do I really have a right to discount his opinion? On the other hand, what am I going to do if he has to be away for a few months and can't help me with the baby? What am I going to do if he can never come back? How would I feel if we were together raising our baby and he was cheating on me and bringing our daughter around his girlfriend? After all, what comes around goes around. He did it to her, why would I think he wouldn't do it to me?
But despite all that, I love him. I can't stop loving him! I think it would be good for both of us if I could just forget about him, but I can't. I don't think this is healthy to be so attached to someone who can, and has proven that they WOULD, hurt you immensely. Every time I think things are going to be different, I end up crushed. I WANT to believe everything is going to be okay. I WANT a reason to forgive him and start over. But things keep happening which make that impossible, and I can't deal with the alternative -- being alone! Eddie's a great guy, but I still felt empty when I was talking to him. I stopped because I didn't feel like it was fair to him that I was using him as a rebound to get over the person I really loved. He was starting to really like me and I already knew the feeling would never be mutual. What do I do?????
Anyway, in baby news...I can see my belly move when she moves now! It's entertaining. She's taking up more room now and it is a tad bit uncomfortable, but I only have four months left to go. I got (more) huge overnight, it seems -- one night, I wore my pajama bottoms. The next night, I washed them. The night after that, they were tight! It's probably just from being in the dryer, right? I hope! I think my weight gain has slowed down also, mostly because I've been working for nine straight days and I don't eat at work. I wake up, have coffee and bread, go to work, and eat something when I come home at about 9:30. Then I usually do my chore and pass out. I'll find out how I'm doing with that at my next appointment.
I have a bunch of things to accomplish before I leave the library and I only have an hour left, so I better go!
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