I'm going to start out with the good news. I start my new assignment for the temp agency tomorrow and I'll be making $14 an hour. It will go until at least January but might get extended. I got a call today from Project HEAL and they are going to give me an assessment on Monday. It's a transitional housing program for survivors of domestic violence, and it would be really helpful if I get approved because I'm having the worst luck finding a landlord who will rent to me. That's the bad news.
The housing advocate at the shelter gave me this long list of apartments and houses for rent, and I called the number on every single listing. Only one landlord is willing to rent to me, and he has an appointment today with my roommate. I got a copy of my credit report and it isn't good, so apartment complexes are pretty much out of the question. The waiting list is open for the Section 8 voucher, but it's a two year waiting list. I definitely feel like if I just let go and trust that the universe will guide me in the right direction, everything will come out okay. I'm a little stressed because I want to get out of the shelter and it isn't happening as quickly as I'd like it to, but I am maintaining a calm center and knowing that everything will be okay.
N thinks he's going to hurt me by telling me if I hadn't left, I wouldn't be homeless right now. I made my bed, so I must lie in it. Well, yeah -- but I don't care! If I had stayed, I'd have ended up drinking a bottle of antifreeze or jumping off a bridge somewhere! I say that sarcastically, but in reality I truly WAS suicidal. I was pushed to a point of despair beyond what I've ever approached in my life. I really didn't care if I died -- I used to pray that I would die during childbirth. Inevitably, though, I'd remember that my children do need me and I need to stay strong for them. Ultimately, they are the driving force behind everything I'm doing. I want to set a good example for my daughter and show her how a man should treat her. I want my son to grow up to respect women. I want to be happy and healthy so that I can be devoted to them, engaged in their lives, and a source of love and support that they can count on. This is all for my children.
Being at the shelter is difficult. I know that women in general have a reputation of being gossipy, but I feel that these women exceed the normal limits of drama. I don't really talk to anyone, and I'm sure they think I'm stuck up. But I hear what they say about the women in the shelter who ARE their so-called "friends"! Every night, they sit around at the table and talk shit. This girl smells funny, this girl still talks to her assailant, this girl should get kicked out because she's never back on time, that girl doesn't do her chores, this girl is a bad parent. BLAH BLAH BLAH! The less they know about me, the less fuel they have for their drama machine. Besides that, what I really need right now is to be surrounded by positivity. I imagine a sisterhood comprised of women who support one another and build each other up, not tear their sisters down behind their backs.
So, tonight I am going to the Red Road Sister Circle. It used to be called the Womb Wellness Sister Circle, but J changed the name. I went to one meeting a year ago and then I decided to get myself all wrapped up in N and I never showed up again. I really needed these ladies, but I took the wrong path and now I'm paying the price. It's okay, though. It's never too late to make better choices.
In pregnancy news...UGH!! I'm not feeling very attractive these days. Seemingly overnight, my face fattened up! Everything else seems about the same, but I have this giant puffy fat girl face and I can't even stand to see my own reflection. As soon as I get my own place, I really intend to make a sincere commitment to working out. I'm already trying to make healthier eating choices. While I was working, it was no problem. In the time between assignments, though, I've indulged in a lot of stress eating. Donuts, cheeseburgers, candy, chips, soda. super sweet coffees...you get the idea. I'm not even hungry, I'm just sad and bored. I feel a void within me and I can't fill it with drugs, alcohol, or casual sex so I'm resigned to stuffing it with calorie-laden snacks and fatty meals. Another bad choice that I'm paying for now. Like I said before, though -- it's never too late to make better choices! So that's exactly what I'm doing. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I'm going to make it COUNT.
No comments:
Post a Comment