26 Weeks

I really did it this time.  I am thrilled to declare that I have cut off all contact with N.  I don't even want to say, "For real this time!", because how many times have I said that?  I feel so strong.  I feel so disciplined.  I feel so committed to my personal evolution and dedicated to defending my worth as a woman.  I put my foot down and I demand no less than everything I deserve, and if someone can't deliver, they will not be allowed to exchange any kind of energy with me.  I need caring, positive, honest, loving, loyal people in my inner circle.  Anything less will not make the cut. After all, there are how many billions of men in the world?  I don't have to settle.  I'm not desperate.  If one doesn't meet my standards, why waste time?  NEXT.

I do realize that my new-found self-esteem borders on arrogance.  Hmmm, maybe arrogance isn't the right word.  I know I sound a little cocky, though, but make no mistake -- EVERYONE SHOULD DO THIS.  Everyone deserves to have exactly what fulfills him or her, exactly what he or she dreams of, and nothing less.  NO ONE should settle for a person, relationship, or situation that does not enhance his or her life in some way.

Work has been going well, but the housing search has been a little stressful.  I did have my assessment last night for Project HEAL and I'm very nervous to find out if I've been accepted into the program or not.  It seems like my best option right now, and time is running out at the shelter.  I did also get an email out of the blue from my disability lawyer.  Are we still pursuing that?  I didn't think I had a chance, so I never gave the forms to my doctor to fill out.  I am also working full time, which I thought excluded me.  Furthermore, I missed the court date today.  Despite all that, he seems to think I still have a case and he is going to schedule a show-cause hearing.  He also sent the forms to my doctor.  Hey, what have I got to lose?  Nothing, because I've already lost it all.

OKAY SIDE NOTE.  I can't even concentrate, you would not BELIEVE what I'm seeing right now!  This really makes me think twice about touching these keyboards at the library.  There's this kid sitting at the computer across from me who is compulsively picking his nose.  I mean, he is doing it over and over and OVER and WON'T STOP!!!  To make matters worse, he then resumes touching the keyboard or the mouse, then picks his nose some more, click click type, pick pick pick pick, click type type, pick pick pick...THAT IS SO FREAKING GROSS!!!!

Baby update time!  If I set a book on my stomach, you can see it move when she moves.  I woke up one morning and my face looked like a giant balloon.  I was so dejected, but then I realized that crying doesn't change anything!  How many calories could moping around possibly burn?  If I don't like it, I should change it.  So, I went right to the grocery store and bought protein shakes, protein bars, apples, bananas, Luna bars, and Greek yogurt.  I started right away the next day eating a banana and a protein shake for breakfast, a Luna bar on my first break, a yogurt and an apple for lunch, and a protein bar on my second break.  Okay so that means that I did it yesterday and today, so I can't exactly pat myself on the back yet.  But every journey starts with a single step, no?

I think my car is about to die.  So while I have so many things to be excited and hopeful about, these are things just looming on the horizon, still beyond reach.  The things in my current reality are a little more challenging, such as my car acting crazy like it wants to quit.  I can't afford this right now!  What will happen if it breaks down?  How will I get to work?  And if I lose my job, how will I EVER pay for an apartment?  My whole life hinges on my car NOT breaking down right now.  Oh, please please please please please!!!!  Not to mention that I have to make sure not to get pulled over or my car will get impounded and I'll go to jail, with the same end result of being totally screwed.  I wish I had saved up more money before I left.  Then again, maybe I would never have left.  Maybe I'd be dead right now.  Even if not, I definitely wouldn't be happy.  I can't say a lot for my situation at the moment, but strangely enough, I CAN say that I'm happy.  That counts for something, right?  That counts for EVERYTHING.