Shit, I can hardly breathe today. I have so much to do, but I just can't focus. I'm just holding on for dear life while this whirlwind tears through me. And I'm not sleeping now, the dark is too hard to beat...okay, those were Ellie Goulding's words, but they definitely apply. I can't think straight. As I mentioned, I can barely even breathe. I'm such a jumble that I try to just sleep as much as I can, but sleep eludes me and I'm forced to toss and turn in my bed as dark and scary thoughts parade through my brain.
I had counseling today, but I spent the whole time talking. I TRIED to slow down, but it was extremely difficult. The therapist could barely get a word in edgewise, and when she DID, she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. I don't feel any different than I did before I set foot in her office, and now I'm at a loss. What now?
I met with the housing advocate when I got back to the shelter. She said because I am working, DHS will help with first month's rent and deposit. Now I just have to find a place and have the temp agency and the landlord each fill out a form.
N actually did me a huge favor. The last time I saw him, things just felt different. I had already decided that I was no longer interested in trying to work things out with him because I am not comfortable with the relationship he has with his wife. He still wanted to get together after work, which I agreed to, but my feelings on that topic hadn't changed. If there was any chance that I'd change my mind, it disappeared when I was explaining why I was upset. You see, one of us would text the other at about 6:30 in the morning. One morning came that he didn't text me, so I texted him and he didn't reply until his first break. I thought at that time that things were good between us, especially because the last text he had sent the night before was, "I love you with all my heart beautiful. Never forget that." I was puzzled at being ignored, but didn't want to jump to conclusions. Anyway, it turned out that she had given him a ride to work that morning. I'm tired of taking a backseat to her when she's around. If you're with me, you're with ME. Just me, all the time. If you can't text me when you're around her, then fuck you, I can do better than THAT. So I told him that it felt like she came before me and that's why things just wouldn't work. To which he replied, "No one comes before anyone."
Really? Okay. If I don't come before your (supposed) EX, then I'm not hanging around. That was the final final FINAL straw for me. When he said that, I knew where I stood. And I don't want to stand there anymore or ever again. We had sex, but it felt different. It felt like he was disengaged. He held me, but that felt different too. It felt like he was closed off, like I couldn't reach him. That's when I knew he was gone, the imaginary silver cord connecting our souls together had been severed and there was nothing left there for me. He, of course, wrongly assumed that I was upset because I wanted him to text me more. No, I'm upset because you won't text me when you're around HER. And it already happened, so you can't fix it. The next day he texted me in the morning and on his break, but he had already gone cold and I could feel it. Where he used to say things like, "Hi beautiful, I'm thinking of you, how is your day?" or "I can't wait to see you and hold you tonight", etc, he was instead just like, "Hey. How's work?"
This was the best thing he could have done. If he had given me a shred of hope to cling to so I could pretend he loves me and we could be happy, maybe I would have foolishly chased that empty dream indefinitely. But one thing I can be grateful for is that he was finally real with me and that helped me start the process of getting over it. Yes, I cried a little as I tried to sleep last night. Yes, it still hurts a little -- but I'm hurting mostly because I'm alone and I wish I had someone to talk to. As soon as I started thinking about all the things he used to do that hurt me, the tears stopped and I realized how fortunate I was to have another chance to find real love. I think everyone deserves that.
The High Priestess is called Wisdom in my deck. She stands for being in touch with your inner wisdom, being connected to your intuition and honoring it. Having been through a rough trial, I have definitely gained wisdom and learned to respect myself and my instincts. They have been trying to guide me for eleven months and I have only ignored them. Now that I have made the mistake and suffered the consequences, I am wiser as a result.
PS -- After writing this blog entry, I went to check my Facebook. N's sister posted something yesterday which made me stop and think. It said, "Don't be mad when someone else starts to appreciate the person you took for granted. What you won't do, someone else will." HELL YES. He wouldn't respect me, but someone will. He wouldn't be honest with me, but someone will. He couldn't be faithful, but someone CAN. Conversely, I'm sure there is someone out there who will love him for everything he is. There are plenty of girls who like to be controlled and don't mind serving their boyfriends, and they will definitely do what I couldn't as far as being another piece of his personal property. :)))))))
No comments:
Post a Comment