STRENGTH

Strength is the perfect card for me.  Upon first glance, one might assume that the meaning is basic and refers only to the ability to be strong.  They may infer that it deals with mental fortitude, emotional strength, or physical prowess.  While these characteristics can sometimes play a part in the interpretation of this card, the meaning actually goes a lot deeper than one may realize.  It isn't about the ability to control anything through force or domination.  It's about a deeper strength, the realization that TRUE strength sometimes lies in patience and restraint.  It's about controlling your circumstances without BEING controlling.  My explanations always seem to fall short, though, because while I can FEEL the meaning of the cards, I still don't feel like I can accurately translate the inner understanding into words that seem adequate.  Since this card is so important to my current circumstances, I'm going to copy and paste part of Keen's profile of the Strength card.

"The Strength card is one of the most sophisticated cards in the Tarot deck, representing a higher level of consciousness that takes responsibility in order to master yourself and your world...You are in the midst of getting to know how to rule your world. You are not domineering in this control. Strength is a card that exerts its control through understanding and cooperation. You are in charge, but others do your bidding because you have made it worth their while and created a joyful context in which all of you interact.

The blessing this card brings in the future position is the reassurance that whatever is pestering you in life now will soon come under your control. Strength in the future position represents a loving dominance of circumstances that may seem beyond your power at the moment. Longtime challenges will be met and mastered if you keep with the path indicated by the cards leading up to Strength. The best part of this card is learned in getting to know and appreciate yourself – the woman in the Strength card has the animal under control, but it is the look of peace upon the lion that gives this card its greatest possibilities. There is no leash or shackle on the king of the beasts – your peacefulness and self-acceptance will arrive because you will see yourself as the world views you."

Pretty neat, huh?   It, to me, is the next logical step in my current life after attaining the inner wisdom of the High Priestess.  With that wisdom, I can make the right choices for my life.  Knowing that what is best is not always easy and having the patience and faith to wait for my responsibility to pay off takes a certain kind of strength, indeed.  Especially when it is so tempting to take the easy way out, to go down roads that I know lead nowhere, to look for a "quick fix".  For example, I have been lonely many nights.  I have cried and felt empty with no companion by my side.  My initial impulse was always to call N, to come crawling back like I've always done.  But I knew what  the result of that choice would be, so I summoned forth the inner strength required to stay the course and keep him out of my life.  Now, my life is becoming so beautiful that there is absolutely no chance in the world that I would throw it away for him. 

Today, I found out that I got approved for Project HEAL.  I will have an apartment for up to six months and pay 30% of my income toward rent.  The apartment is for myself and my children ONLY.  Counseling is provided, they offer guidance toward self-sufficiency and connections to resources, and they have rules.  Rules are just what I need right now.  Strange, isn't it?  I couldn't wait to turn 18 so I could do whatever I wanted and have NO rules, only to find myself craving some kind of structure.  Well, let's face it -- we all know what happens when I play by MY rules.

So, this is very off-topic, but I think my new healthy diet is disagreeing with my digestive system.  I feel nauseated and I have the worst gas EVER.  I can't think of any time in my life when I have ever experienced a problem like this.  I know that's probably too much information, but it's the truth!  Another weird thing is that my feet have been sweating.  It's cold outside, too.  I don't get it. 

There is a selfish part of me that wants to keep this baby, but I do feel inside that adoption is the right choice for her.  It's a little awkward when people I'm not close enough to to want to share the intimate details of my life ask things like, "Do you have any names picked out yet?"  I mean, I don't feel like it's exactly necessary to tell everyone, "No, but I have some wonderful parents picked out!"  People judge.  Anyway, it's not everyone's business!  But how do I answer questions like that???

I know I've been back and forth about my decision.  My conviction that adoption was the right choice never changed, I only wavered because I felt like including N's opinion was "the right thing to do".  Then I ask myself if he truly has her best interests at heart, if he honestly thinks this is the best choice.  Is his opposition to adoption motivated by love, or ego?  Does he love her, or does he love having a means to control me?  After all, let's face it.  I see who gets left with his daughters whenever he decides to go out and party, take someone out on a date, go shopping, or stay somewhere overnight.  I see who gets left holding the bag whenever he decides responsibility just doesn't suit him at the moment.  I KNOW who would be responsible for diaper changes, late night feedings, and soothing a sick or inconsolable baby. 

Yes, the decision impacts both of us.  But whose life would be most affected by raising a newborn?  Not his.  It would be either mine, or his wife's.  And there is NO WAY I'm having my daughter raised in THAT fucked up situation.  He's already proved he has no respect for his wife and that's never going to change.  Am I really going to let you send the message to my daughter that this is the way men should treat her?  HELL NO.  So judge me if you want to, but he has proved that he is not capable of making a rational decision when it concerns his child.  After all, he just spent HOW many hundreds of dollars on tattoos and drugs, but how much did he spend on baby things?  I'm due in three months.  Do we have a car seat?  Do we have a crib?  Do we have any diapers, clothes, baby soap, etc?  NO.  So really, how seriously should I really take him?