My life is falling apart. It should be going great, but everything is going wrong. I am terrified and pissed off and confused and frustrated, among probably a dozen other things. The adoption agency emailed me last week saying that if N won't appear at a court date 2.5 hours away, they can't really help me. I already know he won't, I told them that when I first contacted them! Now I have 10-12 weeks to figure out what the hell I am going to do. I listened to a voicemail from them as I was leaving work advising me that they are closing my case.
THEN, I got a text from my sister in law. It said that my son had a horrible day at school. Just as I was texting back a sympathetic response, I got another text from her saying, "I sure hope this isn't going to happen every week after he spends the weekend with you." BITCH. Then she says "Your actions are toxic for your son. I feel so bad for him. :(" Yeah, I feel bad for him to. I feel bad that he has to live with a judgemental hypocritical holier-than-thou fake-ass condescending two-faced backstabbing insensitive horrible creature like you. I feel bad that I have to see him cry every time I send him back to your house because I screwed up and couldn't give my son what he needed. I feel bad that I made choices that led me to a place where I had no choice left but to let you step in. I feel bad that I let him down because he should be with me. I feel bad that you broke the only toy he had from me on purpose. I feel bad that you threatened to take away Christmas if he didn't believe what you believe, even though he's only six and I would never support you brainwashing him. I feel bad that his role model right now is a stuck up bitch who thinks she's better than everybody else and has the depth of a potato chip.
Now, don't get me wrong. I probably deserved a taste of my own medicine. After all, every time I hear about something they are doing that I don't like, I flip out and attack her about it. I do realize it's easy to find fault with someone when they are doing the work and you aren't. I also realize that I couldn't do it any better. I know we're on the same side and nothing they do is personal...okay, maybe I DON'T know that. I feel like they're plotting against me. I feel like they're planning to take my child and lying to my face.
See, the problem is that she is so fake all the time, I can't put any trust in her. She's one of those girls who is super sweet to everyone's face, then talks shit about them behind their back. She called N a "dirty Mexican", she told my mom she was better than some friends she was meeting up with because she is thinner than they are, she's the type of bitch who makes condescending remarks about everyone who is different than she is because her shit smells like roses. So, is it possible that I'm being paranoid and imagining that they are going to try to take my son? Maybe, but I would never know. I can't trust people like her. Maybe I'm a little bit too much for people, wearing my heart on my sleeve and saying what I think. But people always know where they stand with me. The worst part is that she brings out the worst in my mom, who I used to think was such a wonderful, good person. The two of them get all catty and petty together and it makes me so disappointed in this woman I looked up to. I gave her so much more credit than that -- I don't want to believe she's just as narrow-minded and judgmental as my sister in law is. How did I gestate in this woman's womb???
I had a good weekend with the kids in my new apartment. N pulled some crazy stalker shit and followed me to my apartment Saturday night. He acts like it's no big deal but I feel seriously violated. If I wanted him to know where I lived, I would have told him. I have been completely robbed of my right to privacy and I never got a say in the matter. I am so angry. Not only that, but my sister in law is attributing my son's bad behavior at school today to that incident. I'm not saying she's not right, I'm just upset that she would think it was within the realm of my control. I was just as scared and upset about it as my son was, and I felt just as bad as she did that he had a bad day at school. Granted, meeting him at a McDonald's a couple towns over was probably not the best decision in retrospect, but I guarantee that I never thought this would happen. I thought I was making the safest choice at the time. I owed him money and I arranged to come outside and hand it to him while the kids were in the play place. They would never have had to see him. Of course, I'm stupid and I didn't anticipate that he would march his stupid ass into the playplace after I had specifically asked him not to. Of course I should always assume that if there is a way he can disrespect me, he will. That's ANOTHER person I gave too much credit to.
I have nobody. There is no one who is truly in my corner anymore. My mom used to be my best friend and I could talk to her about anything, but now that my sister in law is in the family, I feel like I don't know her anymore. I tried to talk to her today and all she could do is defend her. N only ever pretended to have my back but he's proved he has zero respect or consideration for me at all. My sister in law always gives me the song and dance about "we love you" but I can see right through that bullshit. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown and losing my mind. I'm falling off a giant cliff and there is nobody at the bottom to catch me. Yeah, well, woe is me. What difference does whining make? It is what it is.
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