I can see now why the suicide rate is highest during the holidays. First, there was Thanksgiving, where my dad didn't speak a word to me, wouldn't look me in the eye, and regarded me as if I were an inanimate piece of furniture. Then, there was Christmas at my grandparents' house. I was upset with my sister in law, left the room to calm down so I wouldn't tarnish the holiday spirit, and was followed by her and my brother. They proceeded to gang up on me although I stayed calm, until my brother started yelling at me about things we had (I thought) already resolved over Facebook. I stood up to walk away, he kept yelling, the rest of the family came in to see what the commotion was about, and then it was my mom and sister in law ganging up on me. Then my mom and my aunt. I couldn't stop crying for about 24 hours, but everyone else (including my brother) went on about their business as if nothing had happened. This event had me nearly suicidal.
We went to my uncle's this past Saturday and all of the women were sitting at a table tasting wine. I was in and out of the room chasing my children. I came back in and sat at the end of the table. My sister was at the other end -- my dear, sweet sister who has never said an unkind word to me -- next to my sister in law. My aunt remarked at how lucky it was that my sister in law finally had a sister (A sister, not TWO sisters...because we all know I don't count). She then said something about never having a sister, to which MY sister replied, "You can have mine...". Damn.
I lived my 20's thoughtlessly, believing that I would never suffer any consequences for my impulsive indulgences. I did whatever I wanted and could never conceive of the idea that someday I may pay the price for my carelessness. Now I'm 30, and that day has come. I have no one to blame but myself and I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me. Nonetheless, it's all hitting home at once. I feel wounded, rejected, inadequate, invisible. I could go on. I think back to all the choices I make and, for the first time, consider how my actions must have affected those close to me. How they must have impacted the way they feel about me. How they contributed to the sorry, miserable state I find myself now in. Yeah, well...cry me a river, right?
As if THAT were not enough, I was googling "entrustment ceremony" because I was thinking of doing something like this to commemorate the placing of my baby with her adoptive parents. I thought it would help to give me closure and to have positive feelings about the adoption. I happened to stumble upon this website which talked about the trauma of adoption to babies and the feeling of abandonment they can never recover from. Am I really making the right choice? I can't help but realize that she WOULD suffer if I were to keep her. Am I just trading one set of psychological wounds for another? Will I ever stop grieving after I do this? Will I regret it and miss my baby forever? The couple I chose will be wonderful parents, I have no doubt of that. But will my daughter resent me despite the fact that I thought of her and wanted her to have everything I couldn't give her? I'm sick with grief. I miss my son, I miss my family, I miss the illusion of love that has shattered and left me realizing that I was just a toy and never a cherished partner. I feel abandoned by everyone all at once, and now to expect me to give up one of the only three people in the whole wide world who would love me unconditionally and unwaveringly throughout my life...it's almost too much to bear.
This pregnancy has gone very well so far, but at 31 weeks, I'm starting to feel the pain. I could barely sleep last night because my back hurt so bad. The baby's elbows and knees are sharp and poky sometimes, and she's big enough to get up in my ribs. Still, it isn't that bad, and I only have two months left.
It is snowing out now, and I'm not very anxious to get back out in that weather. The drive here was pretty horrible. I HATE MICHIGAN!!!! I need to check out some books, though, to snuggle up with and read tonight. I will go for now...later!
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