Some people just never stop disappointing you. But then, after a while, you realize that you should have come to expect certain behavior from those people, and you are just as much to blame from any heartache you endure as a result of believing that they could ever change. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 9,623 times...I should be institutionalized for extreme mental shortcomings.
That's all I have to say on that.
I had my OB appointment today and I have reason to celebrate! I've actually lost 4 pounds since I was at my primary care doctor's office a couple weeks ago. This brings my grand total to 26 pounds, hooray for healthy eating!!!! I found some wonderful parents for the baby and I really have a feeling of peace about things now. It's going to hurt a lot, I'm trying to prepare for that eventuality. Being realistic, though, I have to realize that I don't really have a choice. I know I have to but I don't know how I'm going to. Everything just hurts today. Everyone in my life who pretends to care only wants to hurt me. Every situation that could potentially bring me joy instead brings me pain. I am all alone in a cold, cruel world and I don't want to DO this anymore! I can't trust anyone. I can't depend on anyone. Ohhhhhhhhh refocus refocus refocus.
This isn't meant to be a negative rant. I should consider it a gift that people have revealed their true selves to me. Yes, they have disappointed me, but at least now I see them for what they really are and I won't give them more credit than they deserve any longer. In some cases, I saw the truth long ago. It's amazing the rationalizations one will believe when she is lonely. REFOCUS!!!!!
Sister circle tomorrow night. God, I need this. I am so looking forward to some sisterly bonding. Then, Friday is the winter solstice and I'll have both of my kids. I have happy things to cling to, forget the rest. This whole entry is probably pretty cryptic but I don't have the energy to explain anything right now. My brother, my sister in law, my aunt, my mom, my dad, N...
Did I even talk about what happened at my grandma's? Well if I didn't, in short the whole family turned against me. But to dwell on sadness only creates more of the same. Jesus Christ, I'm really going to have a breakdown now. I think I've taken just about all I can take. It's at that point where you stretch the rubber band...and stretch...and streeeeeeetch...and....SNAP. I'm almost there. And what the hell is taking me so long, huh?????? I'M JUST IN EVERYONE'S WAY.
I need to go home and go to bed. I need to talk to....oh that's right, I don't even have anyone I can talk to. Just as well because as soon as you think you can trust someone or that someone cares, they betray you anyway. Now I see why N would rather have enemies. With an enemy, you EXPECT them to hurt you.
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