30 Weeks

I think I'm possessed.

No, seriously.  I'm not sure whether I should call my doctor or a priest.  I feel like I need to tell someone about this, but I'm worried that people would think I'm crazy and have me committed.  Hell, if someone told ME something like  this, I probably wouldn't believe it.  The other night, I was having this dream.  I was on a bus or something and all of a sudden, I realized I was dreaming.  (I love when that happens, because then I can do whatever I wish I could do in real life but am unable -- like flying or giving someone a piece of my mind.)  Anyway, I decided to take the opportunity to reach out to my spirit guides.  I'm not terribly sensitive to supernatural phenomena in my waking life, so I thought it would be cool to try to talk to them on the astral plane.

Well.  Just then, everything started to go black in front of me.  It was like someone with a giant finger dipped in black paint started smearing it around my field of vision.  I was filled with this intense fear and I had to force myself to wake up.  When I did, my body was VIBRATING.  I wasn't just shaking like you do when you're cold or afraid.  I literally felt electricity radiating from my spine and my body was buzzing, vibrating like a damn cell phone.  That was the scariest thing that ever happened to me in my life.  What does it mean?  Are my spirit guides evil?  Am I possessed by some demon?  Or was I just having some kind of seizure?  Either way, I'm not entirely sure what to do.

I wonder to myself lately, why does the person singing the soundtrack of my life these days have to be Taylor Swift?  I mean, I like her and everything, I just don't like how every song she comes out with seems to be about my life.  Is she stalking me?  LOL...of course I'm kidding.  White Horse describes how I felt when I realized I was going  to leave N and wanted to move on with my life.  We Are Never Getting Back Together describes the frustrating time after I left him during which he would come back, I'd take him back, I'd realize I was better off without him, and we'd break up again.  The latest one I've been hearing, I Knew You Were Trouble, describes exactly how I feel right now.  "And the saddest fear...comes creeping in...that you never loved me, or her, or anything..."  But anyway, I DID know he was trouble when he walked in.  And he WAS long gone when he met me...we never had a chance.  All it ever was, start to finish, was a game.  I'm not really sad about it anymore, just sad about the things I sacrificed for that horrible excuse for a loving relationship.  Live and learn, though, right?

After all, now I live for my kids.  I never appreciated the simple joys that could be found just in playing with, cuddling with, and talking to your kids.  Devoting all of myself to them for a change feels really good.  I look forward to the times we get to spend together and love planning fun things for us to do.  I wish I had been this excited about parenting before, but I suppose it sometimes takes losing something to get real perspective on what part that thing played in your life.  Sometimes you realize you never needed it after all (like with N), and sometimes you realize you never appreciated how wonderful it could be (like with my kids).  I have a long road ahead of me, but my head and my heart are in the right place now.  I know I'll get there.