Wow. It's really time I did a little bit of soul-searching. Right after I finished posting my last entry, my brother (who is typically a man of few words) sent me a message on Facebook basically telling me how since I was 15 I've been wreaking havoc on everyone's life. He informed me that he blames me for his hurting marriage, awkward family gatherings, and...some other stuff, I don't remember. He said that God was the only thing that got him through the bullshit I put everyone through. Now, it didn't exactly come as a shock to me to hear that other people suffered as a result of my tumultuous life. I just never thought about it at all until now.
I always thought that "bad people" KNEW they were bad and just didn't care. I thought some people chose to be good, others chose to be bad, and everyone was aware of which side of the fence he or she fell on. Now I wonder -- have I been a "bad person" this whole time, for the last 15 years, without ever realizing it??? Of course my mistakes were due to stupidity, ignorance, idealism, short-sightedness, etc...but never malice. I swear on everything I love that I never intended to hurt anyone. I'm a little shell-shocked right now, but I can't argue. Everything he said was true. So that's weighing on my mind.
On a very unrelated note, I thought my water broke today. I'm still not sure exactly what's going on or if I should call the doctor. I was at work and I went to scan a bunch of contracts. I felt something cold against my thigh and realized with alarm that my skirt had a pretty big wet spot. I'm not trying to give too much information or gross anyone out, but I knew I hadn't peed myself and it was more than just typical discharge. I was concerned because yesterday my back hurt so bad that I sat under the hot shower for an hour and went right to bed. Now my back hurts again, but it might be my kidney. The baby is too little, and I'm so unprepared! I can NOT be going into labor so soon.
I contacted the court to find out what to do with my petition for a PPO. I have to turn it in between 8 and 5 Monday-Friday and have an interview. Well, I work 45 minutes away from the courthouse all of those days! I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to call my family advocate to see if she has any ideas.
Speaking of work, it's going very well. I had a short meeting with my supervisor today and she is very pleased with my audit scores. (My average is 98%). Who knows, maybe I'll get hired in. Even if not, I'll be one of the first chosen for the next assignment. As long as I'm employed, I'm not really picky.
I really hope N has a change of heart about adoption. I'm talking to a local couple who seems very wonderful and they suggested I contact the agency they are going through. That agency apparently said they can help me. Well, I've heard THAT before. I just wish the one I was going through had told me a lot sooner that they couldn't do anything for me. It would have saved me time and hope.
I don't just want her to survive, to have just any life. If I didn't care about the QUALITY of her life, I'd just give her to N and his wife. At least I would know she would probably not be killed, but above that I have no confidence. Or I could take my mother's horrible suggestion and take advantage of the "Safe Haven Law" and just deposit my newborn on the front steps of a local police department and just hope she got placed in a good foster family. Are you freaking CRAZY??? I'll feel sorry for this baby if she doesn't get the opportunity to have a better life than what N or I am capable of giving her, but I would NEVER forgive myself if I just abandoned her at a police station like so much unwanted garbage. I want to feel confident that she is going to have everything I could have never given her. That's the whole point, isn't it?
Today's card, The Hermit, refers to my current place in life. I have withdrawn socially, taken on single solitude, and chosen this opportunity to look within and do some serious introspection. I just want to be alone with my thoughts. Yes, I am also a wee bit depressed (which is not typically a trait of The Hermit -- or, in my deck, Contemplation.) But this part of my journey I must walk alone. I have a lot to think about.
No comments:
Post a Comment